Fog Above The Stream Of Time

Fog Above The Stream Of Time

A Poem by mattavelli
"

For the deep thoughts contest

"

Perhaps we've got it worked out wrong,
our blinding eyes and deaf'ning ears;
distractions from the primal song,
as mortals ponder what appears,
what senses gather, and adheres
to what's been said and penned and read;
those squeaks of mankind's rusting gears,
so sure to seize in slamming dread
when steady time turns back and sneers. 

This mind that sparks inside my head
is fueled by maybes, faith, and doubt.
I pass the time, have known the dead,
and question what it's all about.
Do gods write poems to my life,
their rhymes of joy, refrains of strife...
or's all a ball of chaos thread
that whips around, its nooses rife...
Perhaps the clues have been misread.

Perhaps those questions buff the mirror,
make sense of all this sensual,
and give a sense of drawing near
the answer, so eventual,
so sure to comfort, like a friend,
so sure to hold me and defend
the tower of this vanity,
where views stretch wide and all's made clear
to stardust claiming sanity.

I ask you, reader - where's the soul...
Is mine a parcel or the whole,
or something fresh, beloved and true...
Does what's in me touch what's in you...

Perhaps my thought's a'twist in rhyme.
Perhaps my soul's the passing time.


© 2016 mattavelli



Author's Note

mattavelli
Obscure enough?
Please let me know what you think.

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Reviews

Thought-provoking beyond description! Loved every line, the musicality sucked me in! Fantastic. I hate to break it to you that "sensual" is not a noun (and it's being used as a noun in the poem...."that's sensual" would make better sense....just a thought). Otherwise, fan-tas-tic! Well done!

Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Haha, but I'm refering to everything that is "of the senses".
If you dont get that from the .. read more
emipoemi

1 Year Ago

I'm not saying it's wrong to play with language. It's perfectly fine and advisable in poetry, but in.. read more
mattavelli

1 Year Ago

I understand your point, emi, but I'm not sure why you assume I'm missing some tricks. Sometimes whe.. read more
"to what's been said and penned and read;
those squeaks of mankind's rusting gears, "
really appreciate that ..and the peek inside the authors mind in the second verse makes this feel vulnerable .. a little Freud, so much behavior is sexual ..no doubt .. and i feel the relief of hope in the second part of the 3V .. so many differences ..yet need drawing together .. and you leave us with a breathtaking challenge .."where's the soul" ... i love it .. i can't think of anything more obscure (at the moment) than space and time .. they are relative ..and time not really in nature ;) you should have done better in the contest ..:)
E.

Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Thanks, Einstein! :)
I'm floored my your seamless flow in rhyme, it's outstanding! Beautiful thought provoking words, I hope you placed. R xo

Posted 2 Years Ago


mattavelli

2 Years Ago

Thank you, Ray. :)
Do you have a soul?
aLittlePain

2 Years Ago

You're welcome, I'd like to think I have a soul :)
Brilliant! Another Mattavelli ballade triumph! Only a twisted rhyme could dare to suggest the absence of soul. With sparks inside my head and chaos in my......well, never mine; I do hope you won the deep thoughts contest with this one.

Posted 2 Years Ago


mattavelli

2 Years Ago

Thanks, Roland. :)
No, I didn't place in the contest. I'll keep trying. Haha
Roland Petrov

2 Years Ago

I entered the Alice in Wonderland story contest. As things tuned out, I was the only entrant who act.. read more
Nice. What is thought, thinking of thought, the mind, the soul and the connections that we miss or haven't connected in the right way with to understand. It is like having all these parts that work for the most part, yet we have such little understanding of what essentially we are. It is always interesting to read others views and how their poetry unfolds into the structure it becomes. Maybe if we read enough wonderful poetry such as this is, then we might be able to join a few more of the dots in the never ending puzzle that we are. Personally, I hope the soul is eternal, for no particular reason other than it is a nice thought to think that it may one day be able to figure out what eludes us in this short space of time allotted to us. Brilliant work.

Posted 2 Years Ago


Lorry

2 Years Ago

It is indeed. Have you ever tread Elon Musk's opinion of it? sounds a little out there, but basicall.. read more
mattavelli

2 Years Ago

I'll skip that one. :p
Someone said, the faster you move through space, the slower you move t.. read more
Lorry

2 Years Ago

Yeah, I prefer your answer too :)
Obscure enough? I think so. I enjoy reading poems like this where the words are more felt than understood; it makes the writing almost dream-like. It's like the poem just reads itself, and the reader can just relax and let the poem take its course, as if the words themselves just carry the reader through its nuances of emotion. I loved reading this. I like how you paid attention to meter and rhyme in this. It's nice to see someone pay attention to the technical aspects of poetry. Well done.

-William Liston

Posted 2 Years Ago


mattavelli

2 Years Ago

Thanks for reading, William. :)
I enjoy giving my poems structure. It's boring for me to writ.. read more
Love this line...Perhaps those questions buff the mirror. Obscure indeed... I had to read it three times. This is really well done. AlicaB made some very good points... Especially about the "beloved" as "belov'd" turning it into two syllables. It reads better that way. I was particularly struck by these lines as well. as mortals ponder what appears, what senses gather, and adheres.
You definitely have style my frn. Wolf ,'', ^@@^

Posted 2 Years Ago


mattavelli

2 Years Ago

Thanks for reading, Wolf!
I tend to count syllables and manage rhythm by the way I speak. For.. read more
Wolf_Lord

2 Years Ago

Essentially and technically you are correct... However, lol.. most people perceive the word beloved .. read more
mattavelli

2 Years Ago

Thank you again, Wolf! :)
Haha, seems to me that I shouldn't change it if it's right. I try t.. read more
I love a poem that makes me think, but still offers the gift of literary beauty. This is stellar, in both regards. Such a pleasure to encounter such excellent use of rhyme, unforced and without any hint of the hackneyed. It points to your command of language and commitment to poetry.

Posted 2 Years Ago


mattavelli

2 Years Ago

Thank you for reading. :)
Well done. This is pure art. You are brilliant. A true gift.

Posted 2 Years Ago


I am deeply impressed by this poem. You display remarkable skill in terms of phrasing and rhyme, and yes, it is quite obscure - very much worthy of the title. :) Just a couple quick structuring things: in these lines, "as mortals ponder what appears, / what senses gather, and adheres / to what's been said...", I feel that, grammatically, it should be "adhere" instead of "adheres" (because we're talking about multiple "mortals".) I know that would mess up the rhyme a little, but if you're willing to settle for a near rhyme, I would recommend making that change - having solid grammar makes it even more impactful, I think. (And there is absolutely no shame in near rhyming.) Also, I might write "beloved" as "belov'd", as the way it's currently written makes me think of it as three syllables, which messes up the flow of that line. However, those minor details aside, this is overall an extremely well-written poem. Convoluted and thought-provoking, with some fantastic imagery. The paradoxes of "blinding eyes and deaf'ning ears" are very cool, as is the unique extended metaphor of "a ball of chaos thread." I also really like the wordplay in the line "make sense of all this sensual." There is some interesting alliteration sprinkled throughout, such as in "so sure to seize in slamming dread / when steady time turns back and sneers." My favorite lines, besides the "sense" one mentioned above, are "This mind that sparks inside my head / Is fueled by maybes, faith, and doubt" (nice play on the fire imagery with "sparks" and "fueled", and I very much relate to this); "to stardust claiming sanity" (nice alliteration, and very cool image - I love that line simply because it sounds awesome); and finally, "Does what's in me touch what's in you..." - because that is, really, the core purpose of what we as writers do. Overall, flawlessly constructed and brilliantly executed. Excellent work!

Posted 2 Years Ago


mattavelli

2 Years Ago

Hello, Alicia. :)
Thank you for reading and the suggestions.

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Added on April 15, 2016
Last Updated on April 20, 2016

Author

mattavelli
mattavelli

FL



About
LIFE IS A PARTY. DON'T BE A PINATA. ------------------- Hello, Welcome to My page. I'm Matt. I enjoy reading and writing poetry. If you have a poem that you'd like me to read, please let me know .. more..

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