Summer Morning

Pantoum form

My wife and son chase butterflies
in the mornings of summer days.
Beneath the South Florida skies,
I watch as my family plays.

In the mornings of summer days,
my worries glide off with the breeze.
I watch as my family plays,
while I relax beneath shade trees.

My worries glide off with the breeze.
They drift to join the building storm,
while I relax beneath shade trees,
on days when morning seems so warm.

They drift to join the building storm,
those pressures rattling their cage,
on days when morning seems so warm,
I wait for the thundering rage.

Those pressures rattling their cage,
where sea breeze meets the heat of day;
I wait for the thundering rage,
while all my cares just float away.

Where sea breeze meets the heat of day,
beneath the South Florida skies;
while all my cares just float away,
my wife and son chase butterflies.

Author's Note

This was my first attempt at the pantoum form. It took a while to get the ending how I wanted it. Please let me know what you think.

"PANTOUM

A poem in a fixed form, consisting of a varying number of four-line stanzas with lines rhyming alternately; the second and fourth lines of each stanza are repeated to form the first and third lines of the succeeding stanza, with the first and third lines of the first stanza forming the second and fourth of the last stanza, but in reverse order, so that the opening and closing lines of the poem are identical."
http://www.poeticbyway.com/

Reviews

[M. J. Smith]

Sometimes, finding beauty is as simple as pulling off the road and looking across the rolling hills for just a few moments. If we let her, Nature will show us what is most important in life: the simple things. Breathe, my friend. Beautiful images, wise thoughts, and an amazing setting. Loved it.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading! :)

[M. J. Smith]

You're welcome, Sir.

[D Connolly]

My 1st review didn't go?? OK, I'll try again. The layout of this is great! I love how you wrapped it up in the end so perfectly. Being from South Florida myself, I love how you described our predictable, moody afternoons so well; laying in the shade of a tree watching the butterflies float while the afternoon storm moves in from the Gulf is one of my favorite things! And I didn't know what a "pantoum" was, thank-you for teaching. Congratulations on a great write Matt
Dani

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Dani! :)
This write was all about trying out the pantoum form. It hurt my brain. Haha
Check out this site:
http://www.poeticbyway.com/
The glossary section is a lot of fun.
I live in broward county, right on the eastern edge of the everglades.
EAST COAST RULES!!

[D Connolly]

WEEEELLLL I'm a West Coast girl, soooo.... haha, maybe you and the fam can come check out the Gulf side keys some time and get a Salty Dog LOL

[mattavelli]

Just teasing. Haha
I was born in Tampa.

[VALORMORE DE PLUME]

Such a contrast of style and format. Repeating lines bog me down and feel stale in poetic hindsight. Also it appears tedious when poets feel the need to explain the meaning behind the poem and or the process invoking guidelines. I read the reviews and agree with most of the comments. There is nothing wrong with the myriad stylistic embracings. I simply emote, when pen meets paper, nonconformist that I am.

[mattavelli]

Haha, the vengeance de plume! :)
I agree, the repetition of a pantoum can turn a reader off.
And, My poems tend to speak for themselves, no need for explanations.
As for placing a description of the form in my note being a tedious thing, I think that says more about you than me, and explains your lack of rhythm and editing difficulties. -have fun! :p

[VALORMORE DE PLUME]

Smiling. Thanks.

[Robert Haigh]

A nicely worked Pantoum. Moody and atmospheric. I enjoyed the read.

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Robert! :)

[AquaWater5674]

I loved loved loved this poem
The last stanza..beautifully elegant..
Yet heart warming
Thoroughly enjoyed the dreamy rapture here
So Aptly captured
I can..
Just picture
Your wife and son chasing butterflies
Very Well Done
Ahh
Debbie

[mattavelli]

Thank you for reading, Debbie! :)

[ReedWrite]

Wow...I don't think I could ever do this.
It's beautiful...and done so well.
It flows...and the imagery is rich and alluring. I can almost feel that warm breeze...see this unfolding.
Beautifully done.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Reed! :)
The form was challenging for me. If I can do it, you can. Give it a shot. :)

[Joshua Kepfer]

This is beautiful. It's very hard to keep a strict format like you did and still have the poem mean something. This makes me want to go to Florida. Good job!

[mattavelli]

Hey, Joshua! :)
Thanks for reading. I like writing to fit a form, makes it fun.

[barleygirl]

Here's the weird coincidence . . . I just read Lydia's account of "Matthew" before this! So much excess water on your side of our country, while California bakes in the dryness & smoke of wildfires. I was into following "poetic forms" awhile back, but I lost my fervor for that. Normally I'm not crazy about formats that require repeating lines becuz it just seems like I'm reading the same poem over & over again, thru-out the piece. By contrast, you've crafted the repeating lines to actually fit naturally into the flow of your message, so that the repetition aspect isn't noticeable -- your message is what stands out. I love the sweet tender way you write about your family. I love the way this morphs from lovely play session to an upcoming threatening storm -- nice smooth progression. I like messages that twist into something different than how they start out to be. This poem is hitting on all cylinders.

[mattavelli]

Hello, Barleygirl! :)
Thank you for reading. This form gave me headaches and I set this one aside for a few months before choosing a few of the final lines, so I'm very glad you enjoyed it.
We have more water than land here on the edge of the Everglades. I haven't payed attention lately, but I recall California oranges for sale in our markets, so we're enjoying your water as well.
Hurricane Matthew swung through on this matthew's birthday. It was a treat. Even trump said my name on tv. Haha
I haven't heard much of your fires lately, but earlier in the year it was looking pretty bad, with multiple fires and windstorms. You had my concern. I hope things are improving.

[Dead Poetix]

ok, I may be way out on a limb here, and the pantoum is solid (it read great), but the interesting thing is the mix of iambic and almost dactylic stresses? I didn't really notice it until I realized I wanted to read "rattling" with three syllables, and then the mix from "butterflies" to "family" to "thundering" and back to "butterflies" I found striking. Yeah, that fourth stanza really comes off as stormy -- really buckles, which is awesome in contrast to the others. Rad.

[mattavelli]

Hello, Conor, thanks for the great feedback. :)
I speak "rattling" with three syllables, so I count it as three when I write. I began writing this in iambic meter, but the form was a puzzle for me and I rewrote some lines multiple times. I tried to keep it smooth. Haha

[Dead Poetix]

Ha! I knew it had to be three! I feel validated!

[aLittlePain]

You did a very nice job of that! The structure of the form reminds me a little of ghazal (where couplets are used) There's a real tactile feeling to this, your word choice is so crisp. Very nice. R xo

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading. :)

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

This was a really sweet and beautiful poem.
This was a poem you just read and you smile, this coming from a person who really dislikes kids even haha.
I really enjoyed this read, it was very poetic.
This has sweet emotions in it, and lots of meaning.
Its just a super sweet write haha.
I know I said sweet allot but it was.
It was a poem written straight from the heart, filled with adoration and love.
Well written indeed.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for the sweet review, Cimmy! :)
Kids are fun!

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

Your welcome :)
if you say so