Ours is a battle

‘Twas on a temperate date

Your eyes sunk to the shade of your charade

I am a bellowing tide

A remorse of the world; forlorn, forgone

 

‘Twas on a temperate date

Your lips streamlined, nervous ease

I am a crackling torch fire

A throbbing pang of every lovelorn squire

 

‘Twas yet a temperate date

Your stare coalesced with your whiskey breath

I am a silenced ocean

A most perfect mise en scene

 

‘Twas yet a temperate date

Your kiss burned down bridges and deliriums

I am a cool candle flame

And you are the labyrinth in this game                

Author's Note

This was supposed to turn out a sonnet, but I got a little experimental. Still do notice the pattern and meters. And this is why I love my job; as long my boss sees me typing on my keyboard, he thinks it's work.

Reviews

[Laura Maidah]

I hate poems that start in 'twas a". I know I'm usually in for a snooze. This was steam and hellfire. Epic. Your stare coalesced with your whiskey breath.... sexy on lines. Can I make this a part of our new song? It's that good. And I am running out of s**t... I keep finding gold on this site. Lol.

[Amelie]

I too, sometimes hate it when the anglo- saxon crap in me dominates most of my stuff. But it happens all the hell time, quite my orientation. Oh thanks, and sure, I'm flattered. And I'll be damn stoked if you would ;)

[Laura Maidah]

The song's called "BeTheDirector". It has a few of your lines. I'll post it.Haha. I'm quick. Just changed a few lines.

[The_Jabberwock]

very intense and intimate. i loved this poem. 'a most perfect mise en scene' amaze

[Amelie]

Hi, thanks! I'm glad to know that :)

[.]

~ you are a volcano of talent... i relate to "Your stare coalesced with your whiskey breath" a lot... reminds me of the mister whiskey breath i miss a lot... haha...!! ... sweet poetry, sweet poetess... very inspiring... :)

[Amelie]

thankies. I can't help but smile this much- :))

[Corset]

"twas an epic evening to say the least, I love the old style type of poetry it lends such a romantic heat, and the repeats work very well in this work of art, I can feel the shimmering heartbreak as the world falls down around them.

[∠( ᐛ 」..]

Wow, this poem is amazing
Rating 100/100

[Amelie]

Oh thanks,thanks. That's flattering to know :)

[B-poet]

Very dearing and complex. Makes you really wonder about the cause and effect of our true desires and intentions.

[Amelie]

Glad to know that it made you ponder. Thank you :)

[Coyote Poetry]

Good flow of thoughts and i like the repetition. The mind allowed us to ponder thoughts and actions. I enjoyed the poem. Made me think this morning.
Coyote

[Amelie]

thank you :)

[R.A. Youngblood]

I like your playing with words like "Twas" or " 'en", and your flow.
I specially like the second stanza, i don't know, it's the most powerful to me!
Yeah lol, when i was at school on the subject of informatics, i was on the computer writing and thinking about the third stanza of my new song, and she thought i was a diligent child xD.. Thanks for sharing..Keep it up :D

[Amelie]

Thanks mucho R.A. The 3rd stanza is also my favorite.
Lol the perks of office jobs and computer classes :D

[R.A. Youngblood]

You're welcome! Yeah, lol
:P

[eglantine]

I

[Amelie]

I fear that what has been happening lately with my comments and reviews happened with this one.

[GunMetal]

I think this says it all. A speechless review.

[Amelie]

Hmmm. Now I'm asking myself, is it a good thing?or a bad thing?

[GunMetal]

"I" is the first letter in "incredible", so I would think of it like that.

[Amelie]

I'm still scratching my head, but I do hope.

[R.A. Youngblood]

LOL

[eglantine]

bwhahaha, there was def more, weird it didn't post... but sure, let's go with i for incredible

[GunMetal]

Precog ftw!

[Amelie]

@Eglantine: lol haha,nah I still wanna know the rest though. but I dunno maybe you'd feel a bit weird posting it after all of these.I would. precog lol.

[no sun]

You experiment well. Some very original phrases and style. Excellent write!

[Amelie]

thank you :)