Dialogue Snippet

Dialogue Snippet

A Story by Meeks
"

Still from the Human Theory. I've been working on this scene for a while, and finally decided that I should outline the important stuff, the dialogue first. This is the guts of a story.

"

(This is the part before, so you get the image and setting. They were standing in a field of wheat on top of a hill, midday.

I didn’t even notice that I am running down the hill myself. The rigid husks bending out of my way and the grain tapping on my metal as I charge down at a speed I couldn’t control anymore.

I haven’t ever tossed myself out of a plane or anything stupid like that, but I immediately knew the sensation was of falling. I was falling through an ocean, letting wave after wave hit me with its humid air, putting one foot in front of the other to keep from crashing down into the ground. My feet hit the ground hard each time, I heard the clank as I hopped up for yet another few meters down the hill, taking giant strides.

It was short. The hill flattened quickly to the point where I could almost control my pace, and I turned toward the spot where I last saw Abia. My momentum carried me almost all the way to him, and I skidded across the field, kicking up more dirt than I would like.

He was already sitting up and looking at me, and painful yet happy grimace on his face.  “Hey, you’re here,” his voice was enthusiastic but lacked his normal energy)



Robot: “Are you okay?

Abia:   “I think I twisted my ankle... You don't have a magic spray for fixing ankles?

“No, I don't do magic. Does your ankle hurt when I do this?

“Ow! Don't touch it, yes it does.

“Not good, can you stand? We need to get back to the car.

“I don't think so. Don't touch it, jeez!

“There are some painkillers back in the city, the faster we get there the better off you'll be... I can carry you, if you want.

“Ehm, no thanks, please... I can probably get back to the car, as long as we walk along the road. Just give me a moment.

“Sure, anything you want…. That’s why you don't run down hills.

“Hey, you followed me.

“I was running because you tripped and fell. Not because I wanted to.

“Sure, no need to get all defensive…

Robot: “I still don't get why you wanted to come here.

Abia:    “Yes you do, you just don't want to admit it.

“Why would I not want to admit to something?

“Because… People don't want to admit to a lot of things…

“Can you expand on that?...

“...Just forget it. You were right.

“...What about our agreement? No secrets, remember?

“Yeah, I was stupid for ever considering that… Fine! My parents didn't admit to a few things, okay?

“Continue.

“...Like, like god. I had to figure out that he wasn't real by myself, even though they knew.

“Were your parents religious?

“Yes. Or at least pretended to be… my dad was christian and mom was muslim, or so they said.

“And you -....Where are they now?

“Dead… Don't look at me like that, I didn't do it. It was a car crash, they deserved it….

“I’m sorry.

“Don't be. I’m probably better off without those drunkards.

“Are you sure they were pretending? I know many people who-

“-What do you even know about them? How about you mind your business.

“Sure, okay… How long ago did it happen?

“How about you get the car and drive it down here, hmm? And then we get in and go back to that stupid apartament.

“Okay.



© 2016 Meeks



Author's Note

Meeks
I tried to create a story guts first, so here it is.

PLEASE TELL ME if any of the dialogues sound slow, or unnatural. Or anything else, actually.

My Review

Would you like to review this Story?
Login | Register




Featured Review

Though this is a structure of the story;if more details are added,this could turn into a wonderful and exceptional writing.

I was paying more attention to the dialogues,I think they are alright,actually better than alright.But the ending dialogue should have been more surprising and the robot should be more 'Robotic'.But it's completely your choice,I'm just an attentive reader. :-)

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Meeks

1 Year Ago

Yeah, not really a satisfying way to end a conversation. It'll definately get better once I add the .. read more



Reviews

Like the natural, easy-flowing, unpretentious style of writing. Seems like a teasing excerpt from a novel which makes you want to read further into a plot.

I particularly enjoyed the way you've employed motion and movement to develop a certain narrative of flux and suggested denouement if any, for your script.

Best wishes for your other developments. M.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Meeks

1 Year Ago

Sorry, you'll have to explain the second paragraph for me...

This isn't really a styl.. read more
It all seems pretty normal to me, considering one is a robot. I enjoyed this exchange a lot, actually. You develop such strong emotion between the characters in only a few lines. Very well done.

Posted 1 Year Ago


I liked your story and enjoyed reading it and i liked your imagination...thanks for sharing...

Posted 1 Year Ago


This is good. I liked the imagery of course the detail at the top helped lol
the dialogs was good it had a good flow.
the first paragraph change couldn't to can't to keep the present tense if that's what you're going for with your character
the second paragraph maybe you could say "I have never" to keep his robotic nature and likely age rather than "I haven't ever."
other than that its good. I like it. I know I need to read it lol

Posted 1 Year Ago


Really good back and forth, Robot sounds like it has really good A.I. is just a snippet from longer story? why were they on a hill? what caused her to fall? flesh out some finer points. you' will get it there


Posted 1 Year Ago


Meeks

1 Year Ago

You guessed it. This is one of the important 'contact' scenes in a longer novella I'm writing, whic.. read more
Sean Reigner

1 Year Ago

You are welcome! And actually I have heard of cleverbot. was a while ago. I'll have to google it,read more
This is very good writing!! I like your story and where you're going with it, and I think once you continue it it'll turn out amazing. The part that confuses me is who said what. I know at the beginning of the story you started off with Robot, and Abia, and then a little later in the story you did it again. Maybe try and add a little more of who said what. Other than that it was really good!!

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Meeks

1 Year Ago

This is just the guts part of the story, it'll be more clarified once I write everything in between... read more
Nice job! The dialogue is executed very well. I have a couple of recommendations:
Be careful about expressions like sure or don't get it. For me it breaks the character of the robot (if that makes sense). And the part where Abia talks about his parents, especially the phrase "they deserved it " sort of doesn't feel right. It seems too dismissive to me. In case he is trying to conceal his affection for them, make it more obvious. If he really didn't like his parents, I would probably go for indifference rather than spite. Thanks for sharing!


Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Meeks

1 Year Ago

Yeah, characterization is always a problem, even though it should techincally be so easy with a robo.. read more
Archos

1 Year Ago

I think it does. Perhaps explaining his attitude towards them more would help.
Though this is a structure of the story;if more details are added,this could turn into a wonderful and exceptional writing.

I was paying more attention to the dialogues,I think they are alright,actually better than alright.But the ending dialogue should have been more surprising and the robot should be more 'Robotic'.But it's completely your choice,I'm just an attentive reader. :-)

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Meeks

1 Year Ago

Yeah, not really a satisfying way to end a conversation. It'll definately get better once I add the .. read more

Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

391 Views
8 Reviews
Rating
Added on January 9, 2016
Last Updated on January 9, 2016
Tags: sxd

Author

Meeks
Meeks

Poland



About
Hey guys! I'm a sixteen year old writer trying desperately to make something publish-worthy. In the meantime, I hand out useful critiques and comments. Currently trying to work on something diffe.. more..

Writing
Chapter 1 Chapter 1

A Chapter by Meeks


There Was There Was

A Book by Meeks



Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..


Sayonara Sayonara

A Poem by TheMalady


Nothing Dream Nothing Dream

A Chapter by annalysiar