This Is My Home

This is my home

The only home I have ever known

Sure it seems small

But the story it tells, it tells all

When I was little

Life was oh so simple

Everyone took care of me

I was happy as can be

I was well fed

Kept a roof over my head

Not a tear was spilled

For every need was fulfilled

Years gone by

With rules to defy

I was a true teen

Kept a dangerous routine

Thought I was a hot shot

But I messed up a lot

I tried to be a rebel

But all it did was put me that cell

Mom was there to get me out

Surprisingly, she didn't scream and shout

"Just don't do it again"

And that was the end

Soon I was mature

But life was quite obscure

Young adult all alone

Staying in this old home

Living here still

I couldn't pay one bill

I didn't know what to do

For money, I had few

But mom came back

She set me on track

"I'll get you on your feet"

Mom reassured me

A sigh of a relief

For all I will achieve

Now I had a career

Every year was a great year

I met a kind man

He was my Superman

This man gave me a ring

It was like he gave me everything

He made me smile

Every thing was worth the while

Then my stomach started to grow

Mom began to glow

"You've got this"

She said with a kiss

I won't be as good as you

I know that is true

He was getting bigger

His spirit was vigor

My sweet son

My loved one

He made my mom grin

Creating a glee wihin

We were a family

Living happily

One day I got a call

One that made me really bawl

It was mom's doctor with news

Her spirit was overused

Her light was out

Mom's gone, no doubt

Now my home feels empty

My feet carry heavy

My son is out of college

He's gained all his knowledge

The sweet boy met a girl

Treated her like a pearl

My husband is on his death bed

With no words left unsaid

I'll love him eternally

For he loved me perfectly

So here comes the end of the wise years

I have already dried every tear

This home was good to us

We lived fantastic with plus

I look out to the starry sky

I suppose now I say bye

I thought it would be hard

But let down my guard

I'll see mom soon

The only mom I ever knew

Author's Note

All criticism accepted!

>I have edited some from what was previously reviewed. Sorry it took so long as I was on vacation

Reviews

[AliciaB]

However silly this may sound, you have played my heartstrings here. "Sure it seems small / But the story it tells, it tells all" - it most certainly does. The mother's lines, while simple, are moving in their kindness and love. With just a few lines of speaking and description, you make me care for this person and feel sincerely sad when she is lost. My other favorite lines: "This man gave me a ring / It was like he gave me everything." A touching and beautiful representation of this relationship. The ending of the poem is also simultaneously heartwarming and heartbreaking. You have evoked a lot of emotion in me with this simple yet sincere piece. Excellent work!

[Darian B.]

This one speaks beautifully, it's different from your usual poem but it is very artistic. This piece is sweet and sad, but overall beautiful. Well done

[JMaster1]

This is such a beautiful story , you described it with so much talent :)

I love it , I wish I had such a wonderful mom

[Ana Papaya]

At first I didn't expect the lead up to the sad ending but I suppose this is the circle of life.
A very moving poem.

[CassiopiaBlack]

It was very moving and I'm glad I could read it. My mom is everything to me and reading this almost made me cry. Something about moms just make them so much more important than anyone else that will come into your life

[TheRaven]

JayG has a lot of solid points on a lot of the simple wording that sort of lacks a real punch behind it because at points the rhymes feel like they rhyme for the sake of the rhyme rather than the true meaning you're trying to deliver. And the meaning of your poem is beautiful, and it should be beautiful. Sad, poignant, all of these things. Your sadness should never feel forced to me, at points it did. I don't want to criticize too hard on something like this because personal feelings are tricky: but at the same time I feel like the really important things in our lives; we should want to nail down the writing to our best ability. There's more here, there really is. A lot of serious potential. I think you could dig deeper than the surface of the iceberg you scratched. I do like the simplistic nature in certain areas, it almost gave me that... child-like perspective. Growing up and growing old. You really have that thematic premise building from beginning to end. It's just some of the lines fall far too flat.

[JayG]

The purpose of rhyming poetry isn't the rhyme, so just finding a way to end the line with a rhyme is not helping.

Your goal is to move the reader emotionally, And to do that you need to draw them in, not talk about things meaningful to you in rhyming couplets. When we do that two things happen.

First, the reader has no context to make things meaningful to them. When you say:
- - - -
As I got older
I seemed a bit bolder
- - - -
What does it tell the reader that will move THEM? What does "a little bit bolder mean? How old is "I got older?" You know. But you do so because you have images, memories, and ideas in your mind.

Pity your reader. For them, you have images, memories, and ideas in YOUR mind. Thewy have only whjat the words suggest based on their background.

I'd suggest a read of the excerpt for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. It's a good overview of the issues of structured poetry.

[Joshua Marshall]

It's a very nice poem. Simplistically beautiful.

[H.L. Cerveise]

I love it. You have told a life story in one poem. The words you used were enough that my mind and heart filled in the images in my mind and heart.

Well done.