my death wish

i sit here,
drinking.
drinking time away.
heart breaking,
now
I smoke,
I drink,
feeling useless
and angry…
angry at myself
for nothing ive chosen to do.
a cigarette in my mouth,
scotch in one hand,
my pistol in the other.
i want to
save myself…
though its useless.
i can’t undo this
she can’t be replaced.
she hasn’t called in weeks
and i weep.
i have always hated myself,

 hated myself for what i had become,

as was thinking,
the bottle slipped from my fingers 
and I brought the gun to my mouth.
my trembling thumb
can barely bring the hammer back.
and then…
all that is good
begins to flow back into me.
its to late,
so great is my resolve that
i pull the trigger.
a ringing phone
meant to bring
an apology…
she’s too late.

Reviews

[Monday Parker]

Ugg the reality of this kinda makes me sick. This is so real and I feel like this could be anyone at the end of life's rope...Man there is so many places that this poem took me...First-I am watching him from the same room...I can almost see the look of surrender in his eyes...Then �When the phone rings with no answer...I can just imagine this woman hearing the news that her call came only minutes away from saving him, that a mistake she made can ever be fixed...That she will never really be able to tell him how she feels...Ah this poem was great. It kinda carried me away into visions of things not mentioned...Is that not what great writing is about? To inspire and give away to thought. Great job.....I really enjoyed reading this heartbreak

[rachel <3]

i have read this over and over, it broke my heart each time.
the pain is so raw it hurts.

[Little Amy Lee]

I loved this
You can feel the emotions while reading it.
great work

[bluessadmood]

oh its so interesting,but so sad at the end and right there the phone rings,what an end,but love should never be like that i know it can be bitter at times that it send us so desperate still i think love is different ,i really enjoyed this ,wonderful

[Nely Amorim]

This is a gripping read, and the powerful finish, I can't say i didn't feel afraid for you. I thank you humbly for entering this in my contest.

[Xfaerie corpseX]

Damn.

that would be my luck.

Love it.

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

Very well written story/poem. Thank you for sharing. Debileah

[Ari]

This is really well written, and I can certainly feel the pain. Good work.

[C.T. Bailey]

Now this is something. Very powerful and tremendous passion. It is puncutated with pain and hurt. You have pulled out the stops of emotion and just allowed it to flow, unencumbered. Very nice. A little chop at the end...rewrite the last 5 lines for a little better flow. This is the kind of writing that captures a readers emotions. Again...check spelling errors. A good work.
Todd