mongrel blood

mongrel blood

A Poem by fred

xenophobia....i'm against it


Mongrel blood

( an account almost totally devoid of historical accuracy)


Lets start with the kilted Celts

Who came bartering for the pelts

Of fluffy bunnies and cute otters

(they terrified Beatrix Potter)

to string like purses from their belts

Cos’ they hadn’t invented pockets.


Thereby hangs their reputation

For being the meanest nation

Then, when asked to recompense for Pillage

These fatherless barterers gave us porridge!!


Today we’ve no pillage, and very little plunder,

no one I know, worships a god of thunder.

And in the world of haute couture

the cow horn hat has no allure.

But if you are on a low fat diet

Thank the Vikings for the yoghurt,

Which is proving so successful

in lowering your cholesterol.


The hirsute Jutes invented jokes

When told that his boots

Were on the wrong feet

A jocular Jute replied!face straight

But these are the only feet Ive got

Showing scant regard for scandal

The fashion conscious Vandals

Modelled open toed sandals

white socks round their ankles

And as for the Angles

they were the really scary ones

They would horde round to your homes

wielding scissors ….brandishing combs

oh Man! they were…



Before we go any further I must make an apology

To anyone among you who hasn’t studied etymology

But did you know that Sassenach

Is just a Scotsman saying Saxon?

Only that mate of Burt Bacharach

Could make a rhyme of that one!!!


I know Alfred was a Great king

but he was no Mr Kipling

One day while sitting on the throne

He’d left the oven all alone….

burned the Battenberg and the Scones

And if you think that’s shameful

Its painful.. ……….

what he did to his macaroons!



When the Venerable Bede bet Lady Godiva

That she daren’t ride all through the town

Wearing absolutely nothing but her birthday gown

She promptly replied………….. “I’ll do it for a fiver”


that’s how the Saxons lost their sovereignty

Because while they were all ogling in Coventry

William of Normandy

started weaving tapestry


Bad news for Harold of course

On that hill….. on that horse

Will he wear that crown tomorrow?

Not now!…..not with an eye full of arrow


An Italian incursion via Gaul

Brought the most famous invaders of all

You know them?…….. they built a wall

And although It wasn’t very tall at all

it did what it said on the tin

it kept the savage Picts penned in


(ahh! yes The painted Picts

who are often blamed for zits

But my research says nits

A head can always be scratched

But a spot must not be Pict)


They left some very straight roads

And a most particular kind of nose

More importantly at the time

They introduced wine

Boadicea drank Asti by the case

apples and pears cabbages and peas

Aqueducts baths and Water wheels

Irrigation, sanitation

And a sketch for Monty Python


all that mongrel blood, now mingled among us

crossed the ocean with the mayflower mariners

travelled west with the pioneer waggoners

went digging for gold with the Klondike 49ers.


By now you can see I’m desperate for a conclusion

But that B****Y blood just wont stop moving!














© 2013 fred

Author's Note

I had to choose a category
So I filed it under poetry
But if you don’t mind
I’d rather call it rhyme

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Aspects of institutions

Although individual, formal organizations, commonly identified as "institutions," may be deliberately and intentionally created by people, the development and functioning of institutions in society in general may be regarded as an instance of emergence; that is, institutions arise, develop and function in a pattern of social self-organization, which goes beyond the conscious intentions of the individual humans involved.
As mechanisms of social interaction, institutions are manifest in both formal organizations, such as the U.S. Congress, or the Roman Catholic Church, and, also, in informal social order and organization, reflecting human psychology, culture, habits and customs, and encompassing subjective experience of meaningful enactments. Most important institutions, considered abstractly, have both objective and subjective aspects: examples include money and marriage. The institution of money encompasses many formal organizations, including banks and government treasury departments and stock exchanges, which may be termed, "institutions," as well as subjective experiences, which guide people in their pursuit of personal well-being. Powerful institutions are able to imbue a paper currency with certain value, and to induce millions into cooperative production and trade in pursuit of economic ends abstractly denominated in that currency's units.[citation needed] The subjective experience of money is so pervasive and persuasive that economists talk of the "money illusion" and try to disabuse their students of it, in preparation for learning economic analysis.[citation needed]

Posted 5 Years Ago

Love it! "The history of the world, rewritten", lol:-)

Posted 5 Years Ago


5 Years Ago

glad you liked it ..patricia
You're lucky you're getting a review at all, sir, because I am laughing so hard right now I'm crying...this was just one sight gag after another and to put it to rhyme, holy cats...well done. Somebody on My Brit's side says "apples and pears" instead of stairs...can't remember who exactly, or if that was what you meant it as, but it made me laugh twice as hard. Great stuff!

Posted 5 Years Ago


5 Years Ago

thanks so much i didnt really mean it but i'll take lol

5 Years Ago

Always my pleasure!
LOL love itt

Posted 5 Years Ago


5 Years Ago

love that you love it thanks shoug
Rhyme works for me. Very funny; laughter is a blessed release.

Posted 5 Years Ago

I laughed to my bone marrow... Lots of gags!

Posted 5 Years Ago

Hysterically funny, my friend! All the stanzas were great!

Posted 5 Years Ago


5 Years Ago

thanks barbara glad you liked it
I can`t remember it now, but I vaguely recall a book called "1066 and all that". If this is your slant on rewriting history it ain`t half bad, mate. I loved "But a spot must not be Pict" Good on yer, cobber! P.

Posted 5 Years Ago

i'm glad there's a disclaimer on the historical accuracy, otherwise i might fall into it. the rhyme scheme makes it engaging to read.

Posted 5 Years Ago

Love it, an early "rewritten" history of the British Isles you've got going there. I have always been intrigued by Boadicea- she was kick a*s and probably cool enough for Monty Python.

Posted 5 Years Ago

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11 Reviews
Added on March 15, 2013
Last Updated on March 15, 2013



northampton, United Kingdom

Hi, I came here to read other writers aiming to be inspired,( I can write in short bursts but the periods of hiatus are long) and I’m aiming high, perhaps too high. At the greatest quatrain ever.. more..


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