mongrel blood

xenophobia....i'm against it

Mongrel blood

( an account almost totally devoid of historical accuracy)

 

Lets start with the kilted Celts

Who came bartering for the pelts

Of fluffy bunnies and cute otters

(they terrified Beatrix Potter)

to string like purses from their belts

Cos’ they hadn’t invented pockets.

 

Thereby hangs their reputation

For being the meanest nation

Then, when asked to recompense for Pillage

These fatherless barterers gave us porridge!!

 

Today we’ve no pillage, and very little plunder,

no one I know, worships a god of thunder.

And in the world of haute couture

the cow horn hat has no allure.

But if you are on a low fat diet

Thank the Vikings for the yoghurt,

Which is proving so successful

in lowering your cholesterol.

 

The hirsute Jutes invented jokes

When told that his boots

Were on the wrong feet

A jocular Jute replied!…face straight

But these are the only feet I’ve got

Showing scant regard for scandal

The fashion conscious Vandals

Modelled open toed sandals

white socks round their ankles

And as for the Angles

they were the really scary ones

They would horde round to your homes

wielding scissors ….brandishing combs

oh Man! they were…

Barberians

======================

Before we go any further I must make an apology

To anyone among you who hasn’t studied etymology

But did you know that Sassenach

Is just a Scotsman saying Saxon?

Only that mate of Burt Bacharach

Could make a rhyme of that one!!!

==============

I know Alfred was a Great king

but he was no Mr Kipling

One day while sitting on the throne

He’d left the oven all alone….

burned the Battenberg and the Scones

And if you think that’s shameful

Its painful.. ……….

what he did to his macaroons!

　

　

When the Venerable Bede bet Lady Godiva

That she daren’t ride all through the town

Wearing absolutely nothing but her birthday gown

She promptly replied………….. “I’ll do it for a fiver”

 

that’s how the Saxons lost their sovereignty

Because while they were all ogling in Coventry

William of Normandy

started weaving tapestry

 

Bad news for Harold of course

On that hill….. on that horse

Will he wear that crown tomorrow?

Not now!…..not with an eye full of arrow

 

An Italian incursion via Gaul

Brought the most famous invaders of all

You know them?…….. they built a wall

And although It wasn’t very tall at all

it did what it said on the tin

it kept the savage Picts penned in

 

(ahh! yes The painted Picts

who are often blamed for zits

But my research says nits

A head can always be scratched

But a spot must not be Pict)

 

They left some very straight roads

And a most particular kind of nose

More importantly at the time

They introduced wine

Boadicea drank Asti by the case

apples and pears cabbages and peas

Aqueducts baths and Water wheels

Irrigation, sanitation

And a sketch for Monty Python

===================

all that mongrel blood, now mingled among us

crossed the ocean with the mayflower mariners

travelled west with the pioneer waggoners

went digging for gold with the Klondike 49ers.

==========

By now you can see I’m desperate for a conclusion

But that B****Y blood just wont stop moving!

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

Author's Note

I had to choose a category
So I filed it under poetry
But if you don’t mind
I’d rather call it rhyme

Reviews

[Dr. Wood ?]

BLOODY GREAT!
I may be biased but this is even better than the best one...keep em coming

[Pete Langley]

Self praise is no recommendation, Dave... you know that! P.

[Dr. Wood ?]

not self praising mate..just complimenting me brother

[Pete Langley]

Sorry, mate, I thought Fred was your alta-ego!!!