Doubt

I threw out that rosary.
It was so easy,
slipping out of my iced hand,
flying into the dark of night.
Those red beads slowly fading-
like my faith did all those months ago.

How can that necklace leave so easily
but I can't shake off this-
looming Catholic guilt.
How can the self doubt not be shaken off?
How can it not just fly into the darkness?
It just sits above my head,
where that halo used to rest.
That was before the weight came,
the weight of reality,
snapping the halo in two.

Something had to take its place.
But this rising doubt,
while healthy in an intellect,
has suffocated me;
has halted any intellectual motion in my mind.
The doubt has turned on me;
the skepticism has betrayed me.
Now I doubt the most mundane,
I doubt others
and I doubt myself.

I used to hold myself to authenticity.
To be as honest and true as I was capable.
Now I cannot be so sure of this effort.
I see myself as the lingering puddle of September,
shallow and heavily trampled,
slowly dissipating in the fallen sunshine.

I strive on
through the long darkened hallway,
alone-
of course.
The others have left me;
the family has forgotten.
It's finally time to join the crowd,
and I give up on myself.

Reviews

[zainul]

The conversation is wonderful.
Please don't give up.
Strive on.
You will enjoy the reunion again.
The darkened hallway will be illuminated again.

[Ruth]

"I used to hold myself to authenticity.
To be as honest and true as I was capable.
Now I cannot be so sure of this effort.
I see myself as the lingering puddle of September,
shallow and heavily trampled,
slowly dissipating in the fallen sunshine."

Amazing! The puddle of September, this stanza has grabbed the emotions!

Such religions are always hard to maintain faith in when life has swung from the branch of the reality tree:) Especially when there has been events that render that faith abandoned xx