Introspection

I get the lying part from my dad. Hes the best liar in town. The police loved this guy. They practically wanted to marry him. Oh what charisma and charm this anger had. It was so dreamy it could bite your head off when you weren't looking. So for me, I always had to stare at it. Right in those icy blue eyes. Totally vacant of spirit. I guess I saw some emotions, like desperation and fear. Despite his evil exterior my father was quite afraid. Perhaps he had no control over his behavior in the same way I had no control over my behavior. When you're possessed, you're possessed- to put it simply. I guess I get that from him too. Strong exterior, moldable, naive, sick, dependant interior. My dad was nothing without my mom. And I think he knows that and that's why hes still bitter and mean and uncooperative with her. Shes smart as a whip. Sharp as a razor. I could go on for ages and it still wouldn't be enough to pay homage to my mother. He was vague and said "drugs". He never specified. I've assumed at least whitegirl and Lucy and dank of course, but I don't think ill ever know. There are a lot of things I will never know about my dad and I think I've come to terms with it. I'm just not allowed through that gate and maybe for some good reason the universe is aware of but I'm not. And that's fine too. That's the difference between him and I, I'm taken by the universe and he fights it. Just like he fights anything that's ever been good for him. Drugs were my spirituality. I didn't love anything in the world the way I loved drugs. I was a drug. I was invincible and my soul would live forever because I did drugs. People that were my age that didn't do drugs were prudes and idiots and conformist and were unfulfilled because they couldn't access the "different realms" of each high. I'm so glad I escaped that mindset of being above everyone spiritually because of what I was putting my body and mind through. I have done so many regrettable things. I got so drunk at the Christmas party with all my band friends in college that I blacked out and allegedly made out with 4 of my friends. Which scares me mostly because I don't remember ANY of it and why were they making out with someone who wasn't actually conscious? I don't know. Iv'e put myself in very bad and vulnerable situations. I feel like I cant even say I ever got sexually assaulted by anyone because I brought it upon myself. People will say thats not true but I know my sins and I know my old ways and they were inviting bad things to happen. I walked to my rapists house. I walked a mile there and back. Walked there, got raped, he bought me alcohol for letting him rape me, and then I walked home crying and drank the whole bottle of Malibu by myself in my dorm when justice had left for the weekend and Brazil had to pick me up and I threw up in her car. I've stolen drugs from my friends too. When they weren't looking. I took advantage of every person that had the guts to trust me. And then reassure them I loved them and I would never do anything to harm them. One time my best friend invited me to like her cousins wedding, I took 4 clonazepam before going because no way in f**k was I doing anything sober. Ever. Then we started drinking beers there and I started falling over and being really loud and "why do they only have beer at this place" and I asked the bartender for liquor and they didn't have any. I blacked out but I remember coming to in my best friend's car that night, and I was terrified of her being mad at me for reasons I didn't remember. I felt so guilty and scared of losing her that I took 600 mg of benadryl and blacked the f**k out and had to go to rock springs. After I went to the ER. I was vomiting and falling, couldn't keep my balance, having body zaps, I remember when I got to the hospital they had all these IVs in my arms and I kept trying to get out of bed to find my phone that wasn't even there. Over and over and over. I kept asking the same questions because benadryl f***s up your short term memory so bad that people would ask me a question and I had to ask them to repeat it about 3 times each. It was very hard to do the intake assessment at rock springs because I couldn't even remember my birthday. The nurse at the ER told my mom I probably had schizophrenia. Like my addiction was so much more mental emotional and spiritual than physical, LUCKily. I was lucky. It went from being an escape to being a religion, mindset, way of life, a moral standard. I was completely sure the rest of my life would be like that and I was happy to be in this telepathically spiritual religious mindset cult that focused on substances. It was who I was as a human being and what I wanted to stand for. It was something i believed in philosophically and even politically. And I think it might've been at least somehow a little bit caused by the trauma and abuse I had experienced until I was 16. So naturally dealing with trying to even admit some of those things were real would definitely make me crave an out. I needed to leave reality. Clarinet did it for a while but then it wasn't enough. I couldn't get the same high id always gotten from playing or listening to music. So I turned to an out that would literally force me out of reality. And alcohol was my favorite drug for a year and then I actually smoked weed for the first time ans realized- I am wasting my time getting drunk when I can actually feel good about myself and laugh and eat and connect to others in a positive way? I was almost mad at myself for never smoking before then. Like obviously its so much better. And I was always pondering and dreaming about what other drugs felt like and what thoughts you might have or how your writing style changes. And I don't know it just opened me up in a way Alcohol couldn't accomplish. It made me thirsty to learn more. I was starving for spiritual knowledge per se, and this was the way to do it I was totally sure. I just think that in some cases it can trigger something bigger and more sinister just like any other substance would. Its unfortunate that such a docile, helpful, healing plant can happen to be that trigger in some people especially probably people with an addictive trait but it happens I speculate. I'm sure I'm not the only one to have had an experience like this.