People

Torn in the fight of morals and greed

They chose the side of the latter,

Contented in ignorance

And incessant chatter.

 

Wilting the neighbor's garden

Plucking every blooming flower,

Decimating every drop of life

Hunger consuming each other.

 

Embezzling someones' fortunes

To fill their own abyss,

They walk on this barren land

Each an empty pewter

Searching for oneself

in the emptiness of the other.

 

People.

Reviews

[Augustus]

Hello Sayrandhri
It is a good poem overall. I think the subject matter gives you enough room to try several poetic devices. I liked many of the metaphors that you have used, the pewter one at the end especially. I particularly like how you begin each stanza. And the progression of thought is very clear throughout. The sentiments conveyed towards the end of each stanza are also well conceived.

Critical comments: I think it is important to finish each stanza on an emphatic note. In this poem, the notions expressed in the last lines are praiseworthy, but the execution lacks finesse. For instance, you might want to consider replacing

"Searching for themselves
in the emptiness of each other."
by something like
"Each searching for oneself
In the emptiness of the other"

Also, I would consider rephrasing the last line of the second stanza. I understand what you want to say, but I think it can be written more clearly.
A final, minor point: In the first stanza, it would be better if you removed the word "the" from the last line and put it in front of "latter" in the second line.

But like I said, overall, I liked you poem for its subject matter and its metaphors. Keep writing!

[S]

The word Each was feeling repeated. So I removed it. And I will work on the ending of each para. Thank you so much. Any corrections are highly welcome.

[Augustus]

Yes it definitely sounds better without the repetition of "Each". :) Cheers!

[Rahul]

Hey, Sayrandhri .. i`m so happy to be on your pages. I love this beautiful write, so much pain and the misery`s hidden in your words, I can observe the brutality of people by your words .. I like the IInd--stanza very much, it`s well penned with the great flow of ink.

[S]

Thank you for always reviewing my poems. Its very encouraging. I'm glad you liked it :)

[Rahul]

Your welcome ;) Yeah, i`m glad to read your new poems ... these`re very nice, hey are you gonna upload few more poems? ;)

[S]

I am planning to.

[Thaddius]

very strong ending, like it. I think you could get rid of some of the general talk in the rest of it, make this great battle between good and evil more personal, specific, and thus, more universal.

[S]

I would try to do that, but it is often very difficult to remodel a poem than writing a new one altogether. :)
But I would definitely try to personalize it. :)

[Thaddius]

I totally agree. In no way should you mutilate this poem, which has a lot going for it.

[La Luna]

The story of how we came to be. Every line was perfect and powerful, i truly enjoyed reading this, thank you for sharing a lovely poem.

Luna..

[S]

Thank you so much for reviewing :)

[La Luna]

My pleasure :)

[Saddam]

They walk on this barren land
Each an empty pewter
Searching for themselves
in the emptiness of each other

very deep and good poetry dear poet. I Love reading more from you.

[S]

Thanks you :)

[The Quill]

amazing poem..last stanza is just extraordinary...
To fill their own abyss,
this line has much in it
great work ma'am

[S]

thank you :)

[Avinash]

Precisely does justice to the time we live in.

[S]

Glad that the thought resonated! :) Thank you for reviewing.

[Daydreamer]

Superb and absolutely deep portray of a common reality.
I had to pause to observe the beautiful and dark sides you've
reflected here in this short poem.
Wonderful!💚💛💜

[S]

Thank you Manal :)