A Letter To My Father: Where Were You?

Just a good ol' letter to dear ol' dad, who's kinda a piece of s**t.

Dear Dad,

Where were you?

When I was in elementary school, and I had concerts for band, where were you? I know that we sounded bad but would it have been such a burden to at least show up?

Where were you when I looked mom in the eyes and cried and said: “I don’t think I’m straight”? Where were you the entire time I was scared and confused about who I was?

Dad, where were you? When I was in Junior High and I tried to kill myself for the first time, where were you? I was stuck in that bare, white, sanitized hospital for an entire week and the first time that they let me outside I saw the grass, and the blue sky, and I started to cry. You told me to cut that s**t out because you didn’t drive two hours for me to mess around, you came to talk about my bullshit. You got up and left. Where did you go? Back to your other 3 children, the other ones you had already abandoned? Or back to my two sisters, the ones that you were still trying to “raise”? Or was it to the bar?

Where were you when I was in 8th grade and decided it would be the time to rebel? Where were you when I sat alone in my room at night taking a razor blade and slicing open my skin? Where were you when I was doing any drug I could find? When I smoked and drank like a miniature version of you? When I walked into every other store and walked out a criminal? Where were you when I opened my heart and my legs to every boy and every girl that would give me the time of day?

Where were you the second time I was put into a bare, white, sanitized hospital? You didn’t even make the drive that time.

Where were you for my your daughter’s wedding?

Where were you for my your son’s funeral?

I’m sure they both would have liked if you had shown up. It doesn’t matter that you weren’t on speaking terms with either of them. I’m sure they both just wanted you there. To celebrate. To mourn.

Where were you my freshman year, when my teachers were calling you and mom once a week to report that not only had I gotten my act together, but I was the top of my class? Where were you for my first real choir concert? My first time marching a football game? My quiz bowl tournaments? My winning an essay contest, out of everybody in Ohio? My school’s production of Fiddler on the Roof? Did you even know that we put on Fiddler on the Roof?

Dad. Where have you been? It’s been a couple months since we’ve talked, and it’s been a month since I’ve come out as a man. It’s been a semester of school since I’ve still been the top of my class. Since my girlfriend broke up with me. Since my first time cheering. Since my relapses. Since my accomplishments. Since my solo as a trombonist at a football game. Since I got the honor roll. Again. Since I got a 99.5/100 on my essay for English, the best score in the entire sophomore class. Since I’ve been able to look in the mirror and honestly say that I want to be alive. My birthday was 3 days ago. Why didn’t you call? Where were you?

Where have you been? I know that I’m an amazing person. I am strong and brave, kind and caring. I love everyone, so much. I know I have a big heart. I’ve gotten my act together. I at the top of my class. My teachers all adore me. I’m a cheerleader, a musician, a singer, a quiz bowl student. I don’t even have a lunch period. There are 9 periods in my school's day, and I’m taking 9 classes. I’m working so hard. And I just wanted you to be there to see it. To be proud of me and to be able to call me an amazing son.

Dad. Where were you? And are you ever coming back?

Reviews

[Oliver Lee]

This is so well written and personal, I feel like you put your entire soul into this, and honestly, I f*****g relate to literally f*****g everything? I? this is so good bye

[Sachi Ruaya]

This intense writing really grinds on the reader's' emotions. I really enjoyed this. I am really glad I read this.

Great read!