Sometimes

Sometimes

A Story by Lynaelee
"

Words go unspoken. Friendships are put on hold. Things are assumed. Life goes on.

"
I have lived nearly three decades now.
I have lived without the man who truly loves me 
for almost a full decade.
Death claimed him far too early; 
he had not even seen a quarter of a century yet.
So yes, sometimes life is unfair and much too short. 

Nothing in my life has been given to me on a silver platter.
I have worked for every dime and penny I could scrape up.
I have saved what I could to survive.
Everyday, I try a little more to thrive.
So yes, sometimes life is hard.

I have cried, suffered, and dealt with unimaginable pain; 
something I would never wish upon anyone.
Some may say, I trudge through hell on a daily basis.
Sometimes, that's all people will ever know. 

I'm not perfect; far from it, in fact. 
I'll be the first to tell you that. 
People call me upbeat and positive.
This makes it easy to be in my presence.
They tell me that I have a great repertoire with people.
I'll agree; I have a natural bubbly personality.
However, I myself frequently suffer with 
self doubt, depression, and loneliness.
I hate crowds and cannot stand to around or in them.
I refuse to make an effort to extend the hand of friendship.
The exception is when I see someone purposely on the outside.

I have been told that I'm over friendly; 
something that is hard to do in customer service.
I try to constantly lift people up with words of 
encouragement, a friendly smile, or just a wave to say hello.
These things come naturally to me, but it wasn't always this way.
It is still easier to hide in plain sight.
It is still easier to not talk about my problems.
It is easier to say work is work and home is home, 
even though those lines constantly blur.
It is easier for me to put a smile on pretending everything is okay 
than it is to admit I'm crumbling faster than I can rebuild.
The worst part is that everyone believes the lie when I say 
'I'm doing okay.'

I can only give out so much light and hope.
It is not something that I can tell myself when 
I look in the mirror, even though I know it's true.
I can tell her she looks beautiful and mean it.
I can tell him that he does things that leave me in awe.
I can tell them that they did a great job and 
should be recognized for it.
Every single one of those lines uttered is the truth.
My daughters are picking up on this trait.
They will tell me I'm a good mom or that I'm beautiful.
I love hearing it, but it seems to fall flat. 
I can't look in the mirror and whisper the same words that 
I say to those around me and what I hear my children say to me.
Yet belief and conviction behind the words is not there; 
therefore, they become a lie. 

The best I get verbally is 'you're not so bad yourself'.
I've heard the phrase, 'uh-huh. Yeah. Thanks,' 
uttered more times than I can count. 
These phrases DO NOT make the cut when someone is suffering 
with self doubt, depression, suicidal thoughts, or anything dark.
They hurt more than anything and eventually, 
you feel totally empty inside.
If you want the light to reach deep into their souls, 
words need to be said and not read.
Yes, this is something I need to work on too; 
many around me are hurting.

While a text says 'I'm here and have too much going on to
 hear you speak,' it unfortunately doesn't say 'talk to me'.
Texting is my preferred method of talking to people, 
mainly because I absolutely hate being on the phone.
I also have a lot of frequent background noise, so I fear that I'm not 
giving the person on the other end the due respect they deserve.

Sometimes, people are crying out for help, but remain silent.
It is not up to you to save everybody, 
and you may never know if you save only one.
It doesn't take much to make a difference. 
Speak encouragement!
It can be something simple:
 I'm proud of you, 
you did good,
 you are a remarkable human being.
It can be something big: 
I love you, 
I think of you in the highest regards, 
you are the most beautiful person I have ever met.

Don't let your words go unsaid. 
Don't let your lack of attention 
be the one of the nails in their coffin.
Spread love, goodness, and kindness.
All it takes is a little bit of genuine concern
 and light to brighten their day.
Hope is the most powerful tool anyone has to 
fight against the darkness.
And sometimes, a smile is the key.

Will your true smile or kind words save someone?
Can they save me? 
Because the hope I have is for you;
I cannot save myself 

© 2017 Lynaelee



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This is so honest. And it would be pretending to answer the question on last part, 'yes', coz truth is we don't know. It's good to be optimistic most of the times, but being that way doesn't always make everything better. Guess, it's okay to accept that we're screwed sometimes. Even then, we have to keep going.

Anyway, refreshing read. :)

Posted 2 Weeks Ago


Lynaelee

2 Weeks Ago

Thank you for your review. I'm glad you found it refreshing

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Added on September 28, 2017
Last Updated on September 28, 2017

Author

Lynaelee
Lynaelee

About
Sometimes I feel like I need an outlet to express myself. I have never been good with verbal communication, but I have always found an out in writing. I hurt. I bleed. I make mistakes. I cry. Yes,.. more..

Writing
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