Meadow Vista Local

Meadow Vista Local

A Poem by Monday Parker

The stumbling sick old dog

Sprawls in the shadow from his own cancerous lumps

Protecting like a pitbull the tattered headland home

Trees over grown

Limping with their own thickness

Painted chipped

Missing windows

Maps of spider webs surround their frames

Broken down cars

Yards and yards of garden hose

A bright orange construction cone

So many

Piles of things

But really it’s empty

Rooms cluttered

With filled crossword puzzles& Pictures of Africa

Where you went thirty years ago

But reference as yesterday morning

Like it will be tomorrow

Only we all know you’re not going back

To that open safari

That truck ride

Bumpy and dusty to the hole the lions drink from

You will stay caged in your lonesome memory boxes

Condemned to your aging arthritic hands

You’re cracking old veined knees

You will walk in circles wearing holes into your patched carpet

Smoking the weed from your wooden pipe

Falling apart with the house

Dying with the dog

Overgrown like the trees that begin

To swallow them all. 

 

 


© 2009 Monday Parker



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Reviews

damn have you been to my house? great write i see you have met david demers from ill
he is a sick piece of s**t! i have his ugly photo,his address and phone number i also have the e mail address of the officer that busted his sorry a*s the last time he visited our site,i pressed charges against him

Posted 2 Years Ago


 wordman

2 Years Ago

a troll on here for a couple years,i filed charges against him a few months ago the police went to h.. read more
Monday Parker

2 Years Ago

Oh... Did he comment on my poem?
 wordman

2 Years Ago

he was probably after me,trying to make people mad that comments on my poems
you are a great .. read more
woah this is old. you still write? "Pictures of Africa" is a nice line. I like the caps.

Posted 2 Years Ago


Monday Parker

2 Years Ago

Hello, Thanks for the read. Yes....This is an older one. I am still writing. Thank you for the add. .. read more
Inject Positivity

2 Years Ago

Mysterious one......Loved it......
This poem reminds me of walking through a horrid nursing home. Human beings aren't created to live that long, in my opinion

Posted 6 Years Ago


nostalgic and melancholy. your description is superb, if a bit overdone in places. i really, really like this one, and the feelings it gives. you weave a story with your words that i want to know more about. good job.

possibly, you may want to edit these two parts:

"With filled crossword puzzles& Pictures of Africa" might be "with filled crossword puzzles and pictures of Africa"
and also, here, "You're cracking old veined knees " would probably be "your cracking old-veined knees", unless you meant "you are cracking old veined knees" which wouldn't make much sense, but to each his/her own.

so yeah... i loved the feelings and i love the description. good job, as usual, and keep writing! you're an inspiration.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Well done. You are a woman of depth and perception. You describe the cycle of life at least the way it is for many. I felt the deterioration of flesh and matter under the press of time.

Again...well done.

Posted 8 Years Ago


You've got a lot of strong images in this piece, but your problem is that you have too many.

The stumbling sick old dog
Sprawls in the shadow from his own cancerous lumps
Protecting like a pitbull the tattered headland home
Trees over grown
Limping with their own thickness
Painted chipped
Missing windows
Maps of spider webs surround their frames
Broken down cars
Yards and yards of garden hose
A bright orange construction cone
So many

So many indeed. While all of these images carry the theme of old, broken down and rotten things, the only one ever really explored is the image of the stumbling, sick old dog. Slow it down, trim out the fat and truly explore some of the images you throw at the reader. As a general rule, try to avoid using the word 'You' in any poem. Addressing the reader directly isn't always the best approach, and I think the word you is ugly. It's distracting and takes you out of the setting momentarily.

Also, a few times you get extremely wordy in your poem. An example is:
You will walk in circles wearing holes into your patched carpet.
You could say that in a lot fewer words, and the more concise you are the closer you come to the jugular. It might be fun to rewrite this piece while being as Spartan as you could possibly be, only using what words you needed to convey your point, never more than 5 per line. Give it a try if you're interested, and be sure to share the results.

Cheers.

Posted 9 Years Ago


2 of 3 people found this review constructive.

Oh, this is an amazing poem! The sadness of one living so much in the past & so missing out on the present is only heightened by your amazing word choice and imagery!

I loved these lines:

Trees over grown
Limping with their own thickness

and

So many
Piles of things
But really it's empty

The second set of lines is the real heart of the poem, I think. You build up to it so beautifully with the images of all the things that can be seen and then segue so succinctly into what is unseen - the now, the present, the moment ... absolutely amazing! I am adding this to my library, fo sho!

Posted 9 Years Ago


This is one of the most descriptive poems I've read in some time. Pictures began to form in my mind as soon as I began reading. Very well done....you took me there, to the sad scene.
Bravo!

Posted 9 Years Ago


Your use of imagery is powerful because you do not simply use it to window dress your poem. The elements work together to provide a glimpse into a particular world, and how it feels to be in that world as well as to view it from afar. The poem full of mood, atmosphere. You refrain from telling me what to think or how to feel about the situation you describe, and wisely allow the events, situation and the emotion in your observations to lead the reader to come to their own understanding. Excellent writing! - EllisD

Posted 9 Years Ago



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1058 Views
15 Reviews
Shelved in 1 Library
Added on February 6, 2008
Last Updated on February 3, 2009

Author

Monday Parker
Monday Parker

Sacramento, CA



About
I am better with words.... more..

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