All Roads Lead to the Land of Illusions

This is pretty awful...

I feel like I want to go home now. The next four hours won't be worth my time if I fail anyway. I'm just waiting for it to come about and end me already. I'm so f*cking tired of this, and to make matters worse, I don't even have the energy to write my novel anymore.

The truth is, I have no idea what to do with my life. I took up a program on Civil Engineering because there's a nice ring to it, and as of now, my future doesn't look so bleak for a course like this. But there's a lingering sense of dread in the back of my mind: "What if I suddenly stop writing?"

Everyday computing for stresses in structures, analyzing patterns of traffic volume, and studying the dynamics of liquids within a pipeline... All this seems within my ability, but I wonder if it keeps me from doing what I love the most. I'm afraid of what it's doing to me even though it's not that bad. As the days go by, I feel like I want to go more and more insane, to the point where I'm not even myself anymore.

It frustrates me, and to think that it even affects my family. That's what I hate the most, actually, to make my family worry about me. I usually end up coming home later than eleven PM, and when I see them still up and concerned about me... It kills me a little inside. I don't think they trust me with what I'm doing even though I've been racking my brain off this program for three bitter years now. I won't blame them, but it pains me to see the look on their eyes every time I walk out the door.

And so here I am... The twenty-second of December, twenty-sixteen. Damn, I want to fap. I really, really, really want to fap right now, except I'm inside the school library and I don't have any tissues. 'Release' the frustration is what I do to alleviate the agony, but I won't be able to do it until I get home...

How pathetic.

I guess I'm going to Gensokyo tonight.