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Creepy! I like it. You should spell-check before uploading it. The facilities here are meant for those who can spell well. (that ain't me!)

Stanza 2 "returning to|ever so haunt" is a little weak. It lacked enough smoothness to let the meaning penetrate. I do like the phrase, though.

Stanza 4 is explosive! If you can find a way to put a pause right before "breathless" you'll get even more impact.

The break between the second and third lines of the last real stanza is marvelous. "children fall" and you think of the ways children can get hurt falling. Then "victims of death" twists your mind around. Except for the plural on "victim" I love it. The colloquialism is "fall victim to" and although you can get away with "of", I'm not so sure about "victims".

All in all a great piece. Tweaks are all that's needed.


Re-review:
Definitely improved. Try using dots instead of underlines before breathless. Somehow dots have a way of slowing the eye down and make it feel more like waiting.
Susan

Posted 1 Year Ago