Wrath of the Blackened Rose

For all of you Halloween fanatics!!

 

The blackened rose of

all Hallow's Eve

With blood thirsty thorns

ready to bleed the life

out of thee

 

 

Rises out of the ground

every Halloween

Returning to trick

not to treat

 

 

One prick

by the poisonous thorns

Will bring

an indefinate amount of harm

 

 

Some may get by

with just a sickness

Other's are much less fortunate

ending up...... breathless

 

 

While trick or treating...

  Young____

                     innocent_____

                              children_____

                                            fall_____

a victim of death

by the wrath of the Blackened Rose

 

 

**BEWARE**

Reviews

[Susan S.]

Creepy! I like it. You should spell-check before uploading it. The facilities here are meant for those who can spell well. (that ain't me!)

Stanza 2 "returning to|ever so haunt" is a little weak. It lacked enough smoothness to let the meaning penetrate. I do like the phrase, though.

Stanza 4 is explosive! If you can find a way to put a pause right before "breathless" you'll get even more impact.

The break between the second and third lines of the last real stanza is marvelous. "children fall" and you think of the ways children can get hurt falling. Then "victims of death" twists your mind around. Except for the plural on "victim" I love it. The colloquialism is "fall victim to" and although you can get away with "of", I'm not so sure about "victims".

All in all a great piece. Tweaks are all that's needed.


Re-review:
Definitely improved. Try using dots instead of underlines before breathless. Somehow dots have a way of slowing the eye down and make it feel more like waiting.
Susan

[Sean M. Addams]

very cool piece liked the imagery in this alot... a very creepy but fun write ... overall nice job!!!

[Simplicity]

A great read. It flowed quite smoothly, in my opinion. Thanks for submitting it in the "Halloween Tributes" contest.

[A LaDy NaMeD D]

lol nice,
perfect for my contest.


Danni