My Future as a Bachelor

One of my many humorous essays. And guys, you know where I'm coming from this article.

My Future as a Bachelor       

A report by Walker Andreasen

 

            I was thinking earlier about how my future might be out on my own. No rules and - no rules. But more so I was thinking about how I will save money as a poor stereotypical bachelor living off top ramen and wondered to myself how I might be able to live off top ramen and mac & cheese, when I came up with a few ideas that might be useful:

            First of all, I will have no need of a dresser or a hamper. That’s why I have a washer and dryer. The dryer is the dresser, and the washer is the hamper. A very effective and simple system, I think. When the washer is full, the dryer should be empty and the only clothes that are not in the washer are the ones that are currently on my persons. Run the washer and when it’s done, throw everything in the dryer. Huzzah! It’s done! No more having to take everything out and fold it and put it away like our parents always used to nag at us about. Remember? No rules.

            Secondly, I find no need of glasses in my ‘pad’. My reasoning is simple enough: I am a man and have no need of such trifles. I am more than capable of drinking milk straight from the carton as well as my orange juice. Hence, there is no need for glasses in the morning. Lunch will most likely consist of eating somewhere that sells Mt. Dew so again, no need of small, liquid holding containers. And lastly dinner; dinner will either consist of A) top ramen and/or mac and cheese or B) the same place I had lunch. And if I eat at my ‘pad’, my dinner will consist of either milk or orange juice so, once more, no need for glassware.

            Writing this something just came into my mind, a dilemma if you will, that consists of dating. You’re probably asking yourself, “Walker, what if you have a date and she wants to have dinner at your place?” Easy answer: no. I will not woo a woman at my place of residence. That is no doubt silly and terribly not romantic. Wooing women consist of: fancy dinners at Denny’s, strolls to the park or sitting in the back of your truck in the Wal-Mart parking lot serenading your fine catch for the evening with your lovely voice and splendid six to twelve stringed instrument. Once more, no need for glasses. Happy day!

            Finally, my future money saving bachelor life will consist of, you got it, furniture. Every bachelor’s pad needs adequate furnishings. Twin sized mattresses directly on the floor, a giant wooden spool that serves as the counter, table, coffee table and ironing board. And of course, the $15,000 entertainment center that includes XBOX 360 with various mindless killing games, 56 inch flat screen plasma television with surround sound system composed of 18 Bose speakers and three woofers, DVD/VHS/BluRay combo player, the ultimate gaming computer hooked up directly to your mother of all screens, the perfect gaming chair that has a place for your controller, drink, convenient microwave oven and mini fridge built in for when the 6 hours of game play just can’t be paused, a dock for your iPod and as a bonus feature, it massages your back while your play.

            But yet I can’t quite figure out why can’t afford top ramen…

 

                        For now,

                                    Walker Andreasen