Untitled.

Untitled.

A Poem by apocalypse

Back to my void

My safe little place

A refuge from my scare

the cold stricken air


Disappointments galore

The warmth that smile wore

Wiped it away..

Dimmed my only bright ray


The tears that flow

Tagged unreal...

Didn't need another hand...

To wipe 'em away over again


I'm not lone

Nor gloom's touched my bone

But there's a hollow that haunts

I'm not strong no more


Need a presence to hold me strong

At least until I sing my swan song

And then as my destiny trashes

That presence shall hold my ashes


Its not weak i call

Not trying a pathetic crawl

No questions to go

For the answers won't flow


Save me pray

I don't bleed

Nor am I sinned

Just need some faith...to lead me on.


Somehow...my existence grows limp

With each mile i trudge

The fading beacon...

A failed summon.


The "stark truth" the challenge,

Tried euphemism.

A pacifying facade...

The concern they breed.


Don't need that though

Just a simple hand would do

To guide me on..and hold mine tight

Till I stand tall again


Not a savior

Nor a shield

Just an existence..even an intangible presence

Unfeigned...to bring me to believe


Just no more judging I beg

Done with that...

Drained off by that...

Nor acceptance I plead ...just a sturdy lead.


And then as I stand again..

I promise i will

Be back...

The faith will stay, and

My trust in you...


Just stay till then

Even when I falter

Just let me hide

Until a day that's brighter


© 2010 apocalypse



Author's Note

apocalypse
too long/no rhyme scheme followed/you got bored half-way/ellipses used abruptly/disjointed/too much of a mix/lack of flow...anything else left to point out ..go ahead ..lead it to PERFECTION ;)

My Review

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Featured Review

First off, welcome back. :3

Next, do you really like to list down the complaints? We could've done that. Just kidding. :D

1. In all honesty, I'm not a fan of poems that has more than 6 stanzas. :)) but that doesn't mean I didn't like this.
2. There were subtle rhymes thrown in and they didn't sound forced so you must be natural rhymer at some point.
3. Got bored half-way? *ignores the Perfectionist's review* Only a little.
4. Ellipses do get annoying but I think you like it in there for a dramatic effect.
5. Disjointed and clunky are the same words, right? There were some lines, I must say because the poem got too long.
6. There wer parts that flowed perfectly well but there were some that felt forced or had the feel of a filler.

Other concern:
Use of the language- it's amusing. :) Although there are lines that I found striking to an extent weird but they are grammatically correct so I cannot do much.
Spelling miss- this might be due to the technical glitch. Do scan through. It's quite easy to spot.

Since the technicals is done, off to content evaluation. We'd like to stay in our own bubble to secure ourselves and fend away all those negativity. Even nature has a way of doing that (ie Ostriches, hedgehogs, priaries, among many.) so I can say this perfectly natural. I find it salient that you are admitting that you need a helping hand and a friend. That fact is humbling on its purest sense.

Actually this one inspired me to write something.

Good job! See you on twitter-verse and facebook-sphere. Gah! What a joke. lol

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

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Vin
I like it! Especially loved the last stanze :) great write, well done!

-Beth

Posted 7 Years Ago


rhyme schemes and articulation and grammer doesn't make poems, it makes text-book chapters. i liked your expression and the idea behind, something a lot of people can connect to. its awesome :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


Just stay till then
Even when I falter
Just let me hide
Until a day that's brighter

Nice ending.. I liked reading it.. no quips from my side :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


First off, welcome back. :3

Next, do you really like to list down the complaints? We could've done that. Just kidding. :D

1. In all honesty, I'm not a fan of poems that has more than 6 stanzas. :)) but that doesn't mean I didn't like this.
2. There were subtle rhymes thrown in and they didn't sound forced so you must be natural rhymer at some point.
3. Got bored half-way? *ignores the Perfectionist's review* Only a little.
4. Ellipses do get annoying but I think you like it in there for a dramatic effect.
5. Disjointed and clunky are the same words, right? There were some lines, I must say because the poem got too long.
6. There wer parts that flowed perfectly well but there were some that felt forced or had the feel of a filler.

Other concern:
Use of the language- it's amusing. :) Although there are lines that I found striking to an extent weird but they are grammatically correct so I cannot do much.
Spelling miss- this might be due to the technical glitch. Do scan through. It's quite easy to spot.

Since the technicals is done, off to content evaluation. We'd like to stay in our own bubble to secure ourselves and fend away all those negativity. Even nature has a way of doing that (ie Ostriches, hedgehogs, priaries, among many.) so I can say this perfectly natural. I find it salient that you are admitting that you need a helping hand and a friend. That fact is humbling on its purest sense.

Actually this one inspired me to write something.

Good job! See you on twitter-verse and facebook-sphere. Gah! What a joke. lol

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

A poem is a poem, the thing is whatever projects emotions to the reader is marvelous. But I thought I already told you my theories on poems, maybe not...?
There's nothing wrong with the length, I found it somewhat refreshing...

Posted 7 Years Ago


Well, aside from being too long, you did just run through most of my list of complaints. I don't mind poems with no rhyme scheme, but the ones that have one half of the time and not the other half make me *twitch*.

You have a couple spelling errors (Its instead of It's, for one), but nothing serious. I wouldn't really say it feels like you got bored halfway through, but the beginning and the end are easily the strongest parts of this piece. The middle kind of sags, and that's really the longest part, so in that respect it is a little too long.

You could trim it if you like, but it's nothing to be ashamed of if you leave it as it is.

Posted 7 Years Ago


So full of emotion, I like this alot.
I love your second to last stanza.
This write touches the heart and soul.
It's amazing!

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on March 26, 2010
Last Updated on March 26, 2010

Author

apocalypse
apocalypse

jammu, India



About
Haven't exactly figured out the "What i am" aspect of me. Self-introspection doesn't happen to be one my best talents. I am intrigued by the morose nuances of life, but that doesn't make me any less.. more..

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A Poem by apocalypse



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