The Intervention

The Intervention

A Story by Zahra
"

A flashfiction

"
Living in a placid neighborhood, Simone had never heard her doorbell ringing that rapaciously before. But then, it had been only a month since they got married and she moved here with Eric. Still, her stroll didn't copy the urgency of the rapping. Eric often jested that she was too laid back for her own good. She didn't care - besides, what could possibly go wrong in such a boring part of the world?

Simone had never before seen this woman standing at the door. 

"Mrs. Curtis? Rachel?"
"Er... It's Mrs. Simone Curtis."

Simone knew Eric had got divorced from his former wife four years ago. They never talked about her, and Simone didn't care.

"I am Patricia Smith." This woman who was probably in her early forties, was quite good-looking, but she had the expressions of someone who tries to look pleasant while not bothering to mask the antipathy they feel for you.

"Do you live in the neighborhood?"

"No."  The tiny trace of politeness evaporated. "I'm from your son's school." 

"Er... what?" Simone thought she misheard her.

"From your son's school. I'm his teacher. Here to talk about him. Or more like, about you." Every word was chewed, signalling Simone had better let it sink in.

"What do you mean?" It was probably a joke, "I think there's been some misunderstanding."

"Is it so?" There was no mistaking that distaste on her face, "I have been dealing with children long before you were even born. I see children and know what kind of parents they have in the blink of an eye. And you, Mrs. Curtis are an irresponsible parent."

"Wait. Stop that. We don't have..."

Simone wasn't sure what was it that suddenly quietened her.

Probably the fact that her intimidating visitor was now standing threateningly close to her. Eyes bulging and full of malice, as if all set to shoot laser beams at Simone.

"Listen carefully. We at the school are not happy the way your son is being handled at home. He comes with dirty clothes and greasy hair. He wanders away during class time and does not focus on learning. And don't think we cannot see that he is being abused, because we have eyes and we can see the bruises on his neck and face and every now and then."

Simone took a step backward. There was no doubting the miserable mental state of this woman who was accusing her of having abused a non-existent son.

"Please leave. I'll call my husband. I'll call the cops." Trying to sound as unmoved as possible, Simone rushed inside and shut close the door. 

Before she could turn to lock the door from inside, it burst open. That crazy woman stood smirking.

Simone wondered whether was losing her mind due to panic or was Patricia's head really elongated with both eyes stretched upwards. Her voice was more like a sound from a really old record as she spoke,

"One last thing, Mrs. Curtis, and tell that to your husband too; if your child is dead, that doesn't mean you are no longer responsible to take care of him."

© 2016 Zahra



Author's Note

Zahra
Thanks for reading. Writing merely to get rid of a block and also to learn more about the form. But would really appreciate any advice on how to make it better.

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Reviews

Wow...just...wow. Love, love, love surprise and "gotcha" endings and this piece delivered. This not only would get "rid of a block" but would probably get my a*s rid right outta my seat!

Posted 2 Months Ago


Oh my goodness Zahra, you really upped the creepy factor with this excellent piece. I loved it, tension, goosebumps, panic and all. You are doing so well, my friend...

Posted 2 Months Ago


Zahra

2 Months Ago

thank you Divya xo
Excellent. And speaking as an ex teacher that ending was not telegraphed in any way. A complete and visceral shock.
The composition of the story was extremly well tuned and the build of tension was again excellent whilst still not allowing the reader to anticipate. I am extremly impressed.

Posted 9 Months Ago


The dialogue was really good I have to say. Paragraphine was neat and tidy - not too long or short - just right; same also applies to the length of sentence usage. Shocking end to a well written piece.

Kudos to you.

Mark.

Posted 1 Year Ago


I love your vivid descriptions, especially, "the expressions of someone who tries to look pleasant while not bothering to mask the antipathy they feel for you", yes I know a few. The ending is penetrating, like a sharp shriek in my mind.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zahra

1 Year Ago

thank you Paloma :)
Holy cow....the ending just has me gasping for breath! This is very well written and I do hope you intend to write more...even if just a small sequel. Bravo! ~Sharon

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zahra

1 Year Ago

thank you so much!
Miss Sharon

1 Year Ago

You are very welcome! ~Sharon
Interesting so far. Valentine

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zahra

1 Year Ago

thanks so much :)
Oh my god!
The end blew my mind!
Engaging, vivid, thrilling and just awesome.
Keep writing please!

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zahra

1 Year Ago

thank you Jyoti :)
Jyoti_Ablaze

1 Year Ago

:) welcome!

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Added on September 11, 2016
Last Updated on September 11, 2016

Author

Zahra
Zahra

Pakistan



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