October 22nd, 2012

Shattered like stained glass.

With all honesty, I have no idea what can possiblely describe the self hatred and disapproval I'm carrying towards myself right now. Ever since He's come around, I've changed. Once I was an innocent little girl who believed all boys had cooties and were 'yucky.' Now, I'm a crazy out of control teenager who needs to get her s**t together. I let people use me then throw me away like a dirty tissue. I let people walk all over me, and I don't let out a peep. I let people call me whatever and respond with a small giggle crying on the inside. Why? because I crave love. I crave any type of love I can find even if it's temporary. Love should be unconditional, no conditions, and just right. Sadly, I cannot grasp that.
I fear no matter what I do is wrong and I will no longer be loved. Do I know why I'm like this? Maybe. My father has never shown love to me. Even as a teenager I still believe he doesn't love me. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. Key word, maybe. I've never been the person to reach out to people and make new friends. I would much rather be in my own special safety square. I do have some best friends, but I can't completely be open to them. Just to rant on some more, wherever I tell Him to "tell no one" and "keep things just between us," He goes on and tells people. One of the people he tells is my best friend. She's a great person don't get me wrong, but secrets is definitely not her forte. She will tell and I will be labeled as a w***e, s**t, tramp, b***h, hoe, etc. Do those two idiots understand my reputation is on the line?

Truth is, there is a high chance I'm making the absolutely worst decision of my life this Thursday. Why? I want love. I want to feel loved, I want to be loved, I want to be forever loved. This whole screed up mess I'm in stated all the way back in May. May 27th to be exact, though I never thought it would escalate into what is happening to me now. All I wish is that everything will be fixed until it is too late because what I may give up is never coming back. All I wish is to be loved.

Author's Note

Ignore grammar problems please!!