I took a drive.

October 17,2013

10:37 PM

You know those nights where your feelings and emotions seem to be all out of whack and the only solution to escape is to grab your car keys and take a long drive?

I took a drive tonight.

It was the perfect night to do so too, if there is such a thing.

It was one of those nights where the night fog lays a blanket so thick over your hometown that the roads you know so well..when covered in all that haze..make you second guess every instinct you have all together.

It was one of those nights where all of a sudden, bewildered you find your self blinking rapidly, heart pounding, to find your self in a place you assumed you would never see again.

And as you sit in your car trying to piece together how you covered that journey in the first place you realize that the journey, which appears as hazy as that night fog, though unplanned, may be exactly where you were meant to be in that moment.

I took a drive tonight and I ended up at your house.

I haven’t been here in months. Since that day in June actually right before you left to go back to school. Believe it or not a small part of me stupidly expected it to look different. With everything so broken between us I guess I assumed to find the house where everything began and ironically ended to somehow be broken too. But instead from first glance and to my disappointment everything is seemingly unchanged. How can everything be so different, but look so familiar at the same time? 

The site of that house is enough of a threat to make the protective wall i’v delicately built almost crack. I didn’t expect this to be so hard. I want to yell and scream at you for all the hurt you’ve caused. I want to say things to you that I know would make your eyes go wide with the realization that i’m not the innocent and forgiving girl that you once loved. You hurt me. And for the first time in 5 years the feeling i'm having toward you isn’t love, but anger. The type of anger thats burning hot and intense enough to make my hands shake. The type of anger that takes me by surprise and knocks me on my a*s. The type of anger that is unforgiving. I’v never felt this type of adrenaline all at once and I find myself having to take deep breaths to calm myself down. (All this over the site of a stupid house?!) There’s so much I want to say to you, but know better then anyone that the opportunity for closure comes at its own time. I’v realized a lot since we’ve broken up. About you, about the relationship we had, but more then anything about myself. I refuse to be broken by this relationship any longer and know eventually the site of this house won’t make me go weak in the knees, but be a mere stepping stone of my past that made me who I am whether I like it or not. And though I know I have a lot of ground to cover until that day it’s nice to know things for me wont always be so broken. This heartache is so new. The cut still glistening deep. But I know these things take time until eventually that cut is merely a scar...strong enough to make me forget the pain that put it there in the first place. So for now, with time on my side, I start my car determined to remember every step of this journey home into my own new beginning, without you

by my side.

-n.b.

Reviews

[Author Unknown]

Its really sad story but there's lessons learned as you just shared ...
Some minor typos
I’v realized a lot instead I've realized a lot
but more then anything instead but more than anything...

[Relic]

This is really powerful writing. There's a lot of truth here as well. Sometimes going back is a painful private journey we feel drawn to, as though we need to clense the spirits that have clung to us against our will. As for closure, I wonder if there's ever really closure for a period of our lives that is so hurtful or do we just sort of move on with the scars as a reminder. Anyway, I'm glad I read this. You wrote this really well with metaphors interspersed that grabbed my attention. Great job.

[nattibabe]

Thank you thank you! Definitely a more personal piece but I'm not going to lie it felt pretty good getting it all out in writing with out holding back. I think your right though. Situations like this I think always have a way of staying with us for the long run cause they were such an important part in growing up and figuring out who you are. Eventually time goes on and the memories fade but it's just getting to that closure that is so rough haha thanks again for the awsome review!

-n.b.

[Relic]

My pleasure.

[Wretched Knight]

Great writing! Loved the ending! I really saw you at that house!

[nattibabe]

Thank you so much for those kind words! Was orginally hesitant on how it would come off to others but, am really happy that people seem to be understanding it so well haha

-n.b.