Guardian

Guardian

A Poem by bella

In my dreams, my heart, and every breath
I'm my own hero
my own Prince Charming
because in my dreams the princess saves herself

I want to own my own heart
keep it safe in a tower, locked behind a door
Only I have the key to
I'd rather imprison my heart
Than trust it with another

But I cannot
Because heroes are strong and brave
and I, I am taken down by words
prisoner to my pen I write this very poem with
Heroes have swords made from fire
and I have fear made from tears

But I will not
because the broken could never hold the weight
Of my heavy heart
Because I would lose the key
Like the pieces of my heart
I left scattered around the world

I'd have to shield myself from myself
while impaling myself with my own sword
I'd break my own heart, destroy what I should've saved
Because the broken cannot protect the shattered

Never forget
The broken cannot protect the shattered
The broken can't even fix themselves

© 2017 bella



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There's so much here that provokes my own feelings that I've experienced thru-out my life . . . about only wanting to rely on myself, trying to protect my sensitive heart, & especially I love the final stanza of shared wisdom. We can learn to embrace our brokenness while also using it as a tool to carve out a good life! *smile* (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 2 Months Ago


I really like this bella...the warrior knows what to wall and what not to wall off but the walls we build over time create other walls and before we know it, we have lost ourselves somewhat. Boundaries are important but we also know love will always find a way into our hearts be it whatever vein and Goddess only knows we need love more than ever in this world lately...saying that one can not pour from an empty vessel, so some boundaries are needed...enjoyed this piece :)

Posted 2 Months Ago


I really like this poem but there are a few things that stick out for me.

First the opening stanza. My poetry professor would likely ascribe as a throat clearing statement. It's nice on its own but doesn't necessarily contribute to the overall piece, something that writers write to get there piece off the ground and running. However, I don't think the entirety of the stanza is as such. I just believe there is some superfluity to what you're saying there. Perhaps if you merge parts of it and cut out others, the language would bear more weight. I really like the idea behind being your own Prince Charming. In poetry I mostly believe that brevity is best so if you condense the stanza into one poignant opening and attention grasping line I think it would do wonders for your piece. Consider something like,

"In my dreams I am Princess Charming."

Just an idea.

The next is more so a line that I believe should be rephrased for better rhythm and effect.

the line,
"prisoner to my pen I write this very poem with"
seems to gum up half way through. If it were changed to something like,
"prisoner to my [or 'the'] pen with which I write this poem,"
ending a line with "with" rarely is recommended anyway.

Next, a couple points of repetition. In stanza 4, is written, "Of my heavy heart," and two lines later is written, "Like the pieces of my heart." The repetition, rhythmically doesn't fit and their placement is a bit awkward and it is not entirely the word "heart," it has to do with the possessor "my." If the second "my" is thrown out and replaced with "the," or other some such, I believe not only there would be a better flow and rhythm but that word "the" could hold much more significance and gravitas than reiterating that particular heart is yours.

Onward, in stanza 6 there are repetitions of "myself" three times and then the half repetition of "my." At first I didn't care for it and almost recommended saying "while impaled with my own sword" but I read the original aloud and quite it that way. However, the third line states "I'd break my own heart." That repetition of "my" again feels misplaced and unnecessary. Again, I'd say to supplant that, not with "the" this time, but with "that" for basically the same reasons as before.

And, lastly, the repetition of "the broken cannot protect the shattered" takes away from the first iteration of the line. However, I believe the second iteration is where it would be best used and the first is premature and should be omitted.

And one last thing: Stating "Never forget" is a redundant and superfluous line. It's a bit distracting and patronizing as it tells the reader to pay attention to the following lines. An easier and more fluent segue would merely be "For the broken cannot..."

Any who, I really did enjoy the poem, despite my many words. I just have a lot to say when I get on a roll. Regardless of what I previously stated, do not take my advice as the ultimate authority what you ultimately should do and I do not want to imply that I am such an authority. You are the sole visionary of your piece of art, I am just trying to help you better realize and achieve it.

Thank for sharing your work of art! Please keep writing!

-Kenn

Posted 2 Months Ago


bella

2 Months Ago

Thank you for the feedback
The depth of this poem is painful and amazing.

"prisoner to my pen I write this very poem"

Genius line with so much truth, dear. :) Bravo!!! :D

Posted 3 Months Ago


I agree dear Bella.
"Never forget
The broken cannot protect the shattered
The broken can't even fix themselves"
Need time and separation to heal. I agree with the above lines. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 3 Months Ago


sweet words of love fall at your feet
the sword will keep u complete,do not falter from the pen

Posted 3 Months Ago



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Added on September 13, 2017
Last Updated on September 13, 2017

Author

bella
bella

MA



About
I'm really just trying to gain confidence as a poet and hopefully get better. I have a lot to say unfortunately. Just a Jewish girl trying to help people and writing poetry along the way. more..

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