i thought i saw you the other day

it got me wondering

what my skin is doing here

but first

let me be explicit

i f*****g hate you

and im so hungry

but not in the way i want to be

i think of how

one day my teeth will

no longer be in my mouth

how sometimes it already feels that way

how things are always changing color

and you were supposed to help me

figure it out

calm me down

and meds

i need new meds

and how

your eyes were so much

like my grandmothers were

what i imagine it would be like

if the sky made love to the forest

and people tell me i need to figure it out

whether or not i capitalize the letters “h” and “g”

when talking about God

or god

and i miss laying my head on your chest

how it always felt like a broken bird cage

uncomfortable

so f*****g uncomfortable

yet somehow,

the only place

i could fall asleep

and god d****t,

i want to feel heavy eyes again

and i want to vomit

vomit

vomit

over and over again

vomit that you never grabbed my hand

and never looked me in the eyes long enough

i have her eyes too

you know?

i want to spit up

every time you came inside me

and tell you how it never felt right

how your god wouldn’t be proud

that if He existed

he wouldn’t have made me this way

and you were wrong

for calling non believers lazy

we try so f*****g hard

every day to believe in something

in god

science

in ourselves

and we aren’t given forgiveness

or forwarding addresses

to those who have left us

and f**k

i forget sometimes

that you didn’t ask to leave

that He took you and

he is looking into your eyes now

and i hate you both for it

 

Reviews

[Franky]

This is super intense. I'm thinking a lost loved one whose loss has crushed you to the point of blaming God.

Very relatable. I'm sorry if this is from personal experience

[emmajoygreen]

A raw, ugly. utterly faithful fall of words, hatred of the living, the dead and the life as yet blistering your ravenous feelings - 'emotions' are too kind a word, whereas feelings dig into every pore of your body here, the fear, the emptiness, the isolation: the wracked intensity of ALL.

There are times when hatred is understandable - no matter who or what you are aiming it to: you need vengeance that, in time. will hit rock bottom then fidget you into life again. Sadly, it is how it is for some - illogical, yes - unseemly, yes.. but human.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

the body will rot, the soul will maintain, rise or fall. So they say, but i am in a similar boat as this speaker in the poem. Questioning where it all leads....do we believe in an Entity just hoping this mortal coil when we shed it will not be the end. That there may be something more out there is what we surmise. For what?
To make this life worth it even through all the pain----because everything happens for a reason?
I was reading this thinking of Joan Osborne..."what if god was one of us, a slob like one of us"
and there he was on the bus, and he told me it all was a myth...and i should have taken better care of my teeth.
your work impels replies to scamper from the pen of the reader.

[Paul Bell]

Isn't it strange how we blame people for dying, or maybe dying at the wrong time.
Certain people are needed, just needed to be there to put things right.
I suppose that's why we get angry with the dead, they really do control us at times.

[Pete]

this is so raw. great vent. off the beaten path but enjoyed the strong wording and imagery. clearly from deep within - has to be when mentioning puking. very emotional write. the whole thing is powerful but the ending is explosive ... :)

[LouisianaBird]

thank you!

[HadesRising]

Love this, you poured you're absolute heart out here, I applaud you for this amazing piece of poetic feeling and heart you poured out here, well done.

[LouisianaBird]

thank you!

[Perdition]

SO ...you've been doing some purging I see...adore this and I see you have not lost that fountain of emotion that escapes from every line like a winged bat from the cave of poetic hell. Beautiful write..."f*****g" love it~ Thanks again!!

[LouisianaBird]

Oh hey, hahah I guess you checked it out on your own accord...

thank you thank you

[Richard🖌]

Sighhh, Dear Poetess 🍂
We both know how unbelievably rare and immensely important finding that perfect special someone to love/to love us back is … most never find their soulmate in a lifetime.
And, when we do, to allow them to become part of our heart and entire being … then, to have them ripped from our very fibre for no understandable or sensible reason, can become almost more than one human being can bear … completely more than far too many can.
Well, truth is, Dear Lady-Poet, despite whatever elegance and skill my words may range into, I could never put it all as deeply touching or poetically eloquent as You have.
The sheer amazement in your originality and creative syntax reads so powerfully I am made to feel your own expressed angst and passion in my core
The vitriolic timbre of:
"you didn’t ask to leave,
He took you,
and he is looking into your eyes, now.
And, I hate you both for it"

Whew! What a thrilling writer you truly are … thank you; I'm smitten! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[LouisianaBird]

You're making me blush! Thank you :) You are so sweet.

[Richard🖌]

NOW, You've got Me blushing? ; )