A Bad Year's Desperation

There must be an angel out there

As corrupted as a money-hungry politician.

And angel whose crooked smirk

Could only represent that of one who gets

The utmost satisfaction from the havoc she reeks

On the meaningless lives of those below her.

A smirk symbolic of the same inferiority complex

That inhabits the brains of millions of schoolyard bullies

Stalking their victims by the order of their own self-esteem.

The silly sorrow of my unused apologies means

Nothing to this angel

For she gets her own confidence

From my pitiful dismay.

For her to accept my thoughtfulness

And self-loathing as punishment enough

Would bring an end to the unclever allusion

She keeps of herself.

Yet as I ponder this possibility,

I am met with many more logical answers

To the questions

That infest every inch of my mind.

Maybe its me.

Maybe its my own unclever allusion

Which keeps me ever-longing

For the happiness I feel I so deserve.

Maybe my witty nature

And fun-loving attitude

Are not as appealing to those

Around me as I’ve always thought them to be.

Or maybe my many flaws are more apparent to the world

Than I try to realize.

But no,

There has to be something out there for me.

The person I want to be.

The someone who feels the same.

The life I long to live.

One day my debt of emotional tourettes

Will be paid in full

And then,

And only then,

Will I truly find my oasis of true self-awareness.

Maybe then I’ll have control in the battle of wits

Between me and me.

But for now my mind races on

And I'm finding it harder

And harder

To keep up with the pack.

Author's Note

This one is a pretty old one but writing it felt good so tell me how it feels to read it.

Reviews

[D.Truelove]

This is the self doubt that everyone feels beautifully captured and put to paper. Very easy piece to relate to. I like the idea that even angels have their bullies among them. The teeter-totter of who the real enemy is, the outside influence or yourself is well told.

[misha]

Wow, great job.

[Ruth]

This is awesome!
There is corruption on many levels so why not in the celestial too?! I love that imagery!
A powerful piece love, sometimes it is all we can do to keep our head above the water!
xx

[Senseless whatever]

Good write. Self examination at its finest. Has an almost random feel but not quite. Very eloquent.

[Brad]

yeah, i've had years like this, and once in awhile, they come back to haunt me. the angel reference resonates with something reminescent of a personal hell...of angels gone bad

[Bard Constantine]

An enjoyable read. I liked how the mind sought an excuse in the form of a sneering angel, but the thoughts reassembled to a delve into inner dimensions. Which of course is were the true battle lies...

Great writing.

[FlawedByDesign]

Simple and familiar words padded on top of each other in an easy-flowing manner, telling a story of an intimate struggle. That simplicity adds to the telling of feelings and emotions, rendering them more powerful and a few "big" words ever could. Da Vinci once said that "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication".

Verses lined with questions with no answers in sight. You tell a good story.
The only thing that is a bit off to me, is the fact that almost half the poem speaks of the angel and very little is left to explore the other comparisons. With that much focus on the angel, the part could have been a poem on it's own.

Nicely done.

[Liz-z]

"For she gets her own confidence
From my pitiful dismay."
I liked those lines really.
"Maybe its me.

"Maybe its my own un clever allusion
Which keeps me ever-longing
For the happiness I feel I so deserve."
I also liked those...
Very unfamiliar writing, yet creative? I liked it, just the way it flowed was a bit strange to me.
Thanks for sharing.

[manchilld99]

This is a bit jagged and unclear. In a way, that is in keeping with the theme of being lost in an "unclever allusion" (or 'illusion') while seeking self-awareness. Your poem does portray effectively some of the confusion and ambivalence that accompanies self-doubt. It wouldn't hurt to rework this to see if you could still say what you mean while being a little more accessible to someone who doesn't already know.

[Vyctm]

I did not particularly like this poem. The flow of it seemed strange and the idea of it awkward.

[Ryan Falzon - Tymon]

Self-doubt is something we all suffer from one time to another. You've managed to capture this feeling very beautifully, congratulations and thank you for sharing.