WXBC Schedule 14.00 - 15.00 NFTA Finals

WXBC Schedule 14.00 - 15.00 NFTA Finals

A Story by Nigel Newman
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I had a lot to pack in and my gut feel is it's way too long. But see what you think. As always with satire, no offence intended!

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WXBC Schedule 14.00 - 15.00: NFTA Finals


Good afternoon to all our subscription viewers on this Columbus Day weekend and thanks for watching and supporting WXBC.  We sure do appreciate it. I’m Carina Lake and welcome to Day One of the National Annual Fly-Tipping Championships sponsored by Superior Burgers here in Duluth in beautiful Minnesota.  I’m here with past winner and NFTA, that's the National Fly-Tipping Association, president Hugh Kayres and hey, Hugh, whaddya think of the standard of finalists this year? 


Hello everyone. Carina, first up lemme say it's once again a real honor to be stagin' the National Fly-Tippin' Championships sponsored by Superior Burgers here in beautiful Duluth. And a big thanks, Carina, to you and y'all here at WXBC for coverin' us for the first time we sure do 'preciate it.   


It's our pleasure Hugh and we're all excited to have this WXBC exclusive!


Now you ask about this year's finalists. Well it’s a real high standard as always. There’s always a bunch of us chuckin’ and duckin’, droppin’ and sloppin’, crashin’ and trashin’. I reckon this’ll be a great competition.


Well I sure hope so. Now folks, these championships sponsored by Superior Burgers last 3 days over the long holiday weekend and you’ll be sure to see more tomorrow and Monday right here on WXBC. I promise you folks you’re in for a real WXBC treat so be sure to tune in again tomorrow!  But we’re guessing this is maybe the first time for some folks seeing a Fly-Tipping contest - it’s certainly mine. And as we’re all new to it and may be unfamiliar with the rules, Hugh why dontcha lay it on for us. And just what, exactly, is fly-tipping?


Carina there ain’t no rules in fly-tippin'. It means chuck and dump as much garbage and trash as you can as fast as you can and in the most off-the-grid spots nobody just can't reach and you’re the winner. 


OK you mean like throwing a soda can out of my car window at the stop light?


Sure. But Carina ain’t you seen old couches dumped in fields and so on? That’s gettin’ to the more serious stuff.


Sure Hugh, I’ve seen that.  I ride sometimes, and Frodo my horse started snicking away at something just last week. I looked a little closer, and do you know I think it was the inner drum from a tumble dryer? And this is miles from the nearest road! That’s some dedicated fly-tipping to dump it there.


Carina, we in NFTA pride ourselves, like our heart-blood almost, on how far and wide we can and do spread our trash.


Well you say that and Hugh, I can see you’re wearing the NFTA polo shirt with, what’s that - a motto? Jeff can you zoom in so the folks can read it.


Every new NFTA member recites our motto at their initiation.  It’s, like, uh, our uh, credo.  “Every lake and every highway. Every yard apart from my way."


Amazing! There’s so much I wanna ask but, hey, we gotta start on the competition, Hugh. We could talk all day this is so fascinating I’m sure the folks at home get this so much and are right on it. So, umm, yeah 3 days for the contest, Hugh - how does this work?


Well the NFTA Championship sponsored by Superior Burgers has three rounds. 


Round One - Today - is the small stuff - soda cans like you at your stop light, used condoms, grocery bags, food-wraps and their contents, panty-liners, that kinda stuff. Round Two tomorrow is industrials - car parts, old engines, broken fenders, fuel cans, lawnmowers - you know the s**t I mean.  Finally Round Three is the biggest and best - whole vehicles, large furniture, big fridges and freezers - too heavy or difficult to lift for most folk to tip anyplace far from the truck.  They got winners each day but the real award is overall Supreme Fly-tipper. First prize is a lifetime guarantee from all registered and affiliated members of the National Fly-Tippin' Association not to dump on your lawn or backyard.


Hugh that’s a real boon for the lucky winner! 


Yeah. Kinda. I mean there’s always unlicensed tippers, renegades, and members of rival associations who don’t give a s**t, but it’s a help for sure.  You also get a piece o’ paper says you’re top cheese. Some folks frame it.


Wow that’s wonderful Hugh. Do you still have yours?


No. Guess I threw it out. Probably in some levee now I guess.


Oh umm, OK. Well you’ll always know you won and were the best, and we’re certainly hoping for your insights today - Round One Small Stuff. Tell us more about the scoring.


See, it’s about speed and aim - top points go to how much they can throw in one minute but also for the stuff that stays hidden in hedges and tight corners for months, sometimes longer. Hell, I stowed a coke bottle 4/5 years back in the hedge 'longin to a city official I knowed where they live.  I walk past kinda sly now and then and that f****r is still right where I threw it.  


Wow that’s great wastin’ Hugh. Respect!


I mean that city official just ain’t got no pride in his house and surrounds to not even notice; where’s his pride? I done gone back several occasions and next time I might just leave my old Chevy clutch in his bushes. He ain’t checkin’ none.


Civic pride huh? Hugh you’d certainly expect better from a city official.  And look, folks wanna know and I’ve gotta ask it - how do you people in NFTA square all this with the tree-huggers, bunny-lovers, climate-changers - you know the sorta folk I mean.


Carina - Fact is we’re more environmentally aware than any of them types. NFTA got our own Research Professor up Lake Erie way who can explain this better 'n me, but basics are we cut out the wasteful expensive middle parts of the recyclin’ process. Carina have you any idea how many millions are spent in this country on land-fill? And these new high-falutin’ incineration plants - hell they produce worse gases than my bro’ after extra beans! Carina it’s a proven fact that products exposed to repeated cycles of sun and rain, hot and cold break down quicker than landfill - tickin’ time bomb, Carina - landfill’s a tickin’ time bomb.


Hugh that’s so good to know, and a lot of our viewers will be heaving a sigh of relief they don’t need to feel guilty next time Junior gets antsy and throws his diapers out the window on the freeway. Folks we’re OK - it’ll break down quicker!


Sure thing. And I should tell everybody that the NFTA website has FAQs on all this stuff so we got it all laid up for folks to see.

 

Thank you for that, Hugh, really useful to know.  Anyway back to today’s contest. Hugh, I know you’ve been sorta behind the scenes and you know what the organizers have got in mind.


Yeah.  And Carina lemme tell ya this is one tricky course them’s laid out - a real mother.  For this event today sponsored by Superior Burgers the contestants gotta hit drainage ditches, hedges, backyards, doorways and - my favorite - open windows of vehicles, ideally when they’re in motion but parked still scores pretty good.  They laid out a couple make-believe neighborhoods, streets, drains, backyards, lots, small park with a pond. Area 'bout the size o' two basketball courts - that's what we call the Tippin' Space. And like I said, the contestant has one minute. The organizers start each competitor with a stash of trash - we call it - in the center of the Tippin' Space, and the competitor takes from it and throws or tips or spills or whatever from that pile - the organizers gotta a shitload of shopping carts filled with small garbage for the stash of trash. It's all about who gets rid o' most and how smart and sneaky they do it. Oh, the carts are fixed to the ground, otherwise them f****rs would just darn throw the whole kit and caboodle.


One other thing. Judges also got the power to award extra points for ace-thet-ics; the cleaner and neater the Tippin' Space looks at the end of the minute, the less points you get!


Are there points for graffiti? 


No ma’am that’s not scored. But last year Tip Anywhere from Cleveland got extra ace-thet-ics points when a spray can he done throw hit the backyard wall and just damn exploded paint all over.  Man that f****r went everywhere!  Lilac Blue as I recall. In real life them folks in their backyard shouldda thanked Tip for saving them the trouble of paintin’ their wall, but ‘least in the contest he got extra.


OK everyone, so we understand the scoring.  Now the finalists.  Hugh, what can you tell us about them?


North-East is represented by Mike Trashfield from Hartford. Current New England champion. Mike’s a big guy and his thing is the big s**t so look out for Mike Monday, but he ain’t quick on his feet, so don’t ‘spect too much today.  New York to DC got Ed Shitriver from outta Philly. Youngster barely eighteen. I’m keepin’ my eye on Ed - a new up and comin’ player is my guess. South East is the Orlando Oilman Carl Slicksea - Carina, he was last year’s numero uno - 'nuff said! 


Hugh that’s wonderful, and more on competitors later, but right now from the deep south we got our first finalist, Chuck Ree Gardless from Biloxi - in fact, Hugh, did I hear right … he’s the County Sheriff thereabouts?  


Thass’ right


Well isn’t that, you know, kind of weird? A lawman breaking the law, so to speak. I mean we sure hope the authorities listen to your environmental case, but as it stands fly-tipping is presently against the code in every State.  I mean it’s sorta sanctioned OK in a tournament, I guess, but all these contestants must practice don’t they? Locally? Breaking the law every time they do so?


Sure they do.  Carina, lemme tell ya. Truth to tell, 'less you drop your s**t on the Mayor’s front lawn, all over the country there ain't a one po-leece officer from Kansas City to Kalamazoo gonna do jack-s**t about it. Police? Sheriff’s Department? Shoot, they’re some of the best at it, chuckin’ soda cans and cold fries while their sirens are blastin’.  


OK umm. I guess.


Carina, lemme say it better, they got bigger fish to fry - Capische? Chuck Ree’s a damn good guy AND a great tosser. ’Respect’ Man!


Well Hugh we’re indebted for your inside knowledge and telling it how it is for fly-tippers. So let’s see how Chuck Ree from Biloxi goes folks. He’s comin' right up. Will the Sheriff from Mississippi do the South proud? But first a short break.  Don’t go away folks - we'll see you right back here on WXBC with the NFTA Final sponsored by Superior Burgers - the fun is about to start!


=========================


Notes


‘Fly-tipping’ is a term for the dumping of garbage anywhere apart from recognised places. As far as I’m aware, there are no semi-official groups or assocations; nor is there anywhere a championship to find the ‘best’.  This problem is widespread in what is termed the third world. Mexico City and Manila are two of the worst. But the UK is pretty bad, and I’m ashamed sometimes to see the amount of litter on the streets of our towns and cities and in the roadside hedgerows.  However, I've based this story in the USA - there were a few reasons.  First, although it is cleaner, it seems that the US produces and consumes and throws away more resources per person than any other country on the planet, many of which will take thousands of years to break down.   Secondly I wanted the characters to be folk who make me either laugh or squirm whom I think I can caricature reasonably well. So we have a second-rate TV presenter and a confident redneck type with perhaps moderate education at best, who probably votes Republican. Finally, I couldn't escape the thought that, if there ever was a Fly-tipping Championship, some minority TV channel in the US would certainly cover it. 


A satirical piece like this has to be underpinned by plausibility. In that regard, I am very grateful to a number of WC regulars for help. I have mostly either gone with their suggestions or changed the phrasing to overcome the problematic parts. However, just as a professional writer would say, all remaining errors and shortcomings are entirely mine!



© 2017 Nigel Newman



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Reviews

Witty, no downright funny, with a serious ironic message. Wit and wisdom what more could you ask for?

Posted 2 Months Ago


I like the set up of this radio show. Your writing moves seamlessly and I did enjoy the phonetics of your fly-tipper. You did a great job creating a conversation where you can truly hear the difference between both characters. What a well written tragic comedy!
This is a little too realistic for me though! What a shame fly-tipping exists. Can't blame the people of 3rd world countries - they must feel like the rest of the world treats them basically as garbage so why not spread it around? Love your outside take on Americans, too. It is disgusting the amount of waste the "average American" produces. We are speedballing towards disaster. Something's gotta give...
Great piece Nigel! Really got me thinking.

Posted 2 Months Ago


Nigel Newman

2 Months Ago

Thanks Marie. I had fun with it, but as you say, it's a sad thing to see, and also to realise that .. read more
A.marie.speaks

2 Months Ago

Yes, it really is pitiful to see how many people don't give a damn.
Delightfully written! Hope it's not prescient. :))

Beccy.

Posted 3 Months Ago


Nigel Newman

3 Months Ago

Becky thanks. Prescient? Well, I would not put anything past the TV companies. We already have net.. read more
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You have put across a very important message in a very humorous way.One thing that I absolutely love about your style is you speak in first person making extensive use of bumbling conversation which actually lets the reader live your stories.Absolutely loved it✌✌👌👌👍

Posted 3 Months Ago


Nigel Newman

3 Months Ago

Brinda Hi. For reasons I can't fully explain, this is the first time I've seen your comments on this.. read more
Hilarious premise for an eco-satire. "Fly-tipping" can become as popular as NASCAR races! Very humorous characters and their names just slay. Speaks to a most serious global problem and your humor/satire is a great vehicle to get the point across. Kudos!




Posted 3 Months Ago


Nigel Newman

3 Months Ago

Annette thanks. Funnily enough the UK organisation SAGA, aimed at over-50s, had an editorial about .. read more

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Added on June 21, 2017
Last Updated on July 9, 2017

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Nigel Newman
Nigel Newman

Bristol, United Kingdom



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