Life, Awakened

A poem about the truth of life.

Beyond the charcoal hills

Lies an uncharted land of affliction

Sands of a soul

Rocks of a heart

Skies of a mind

Distorted units of time

Seem to pass the conscientious eye

With a force to be reckoned with

All of the circles of happiness

United into the square of life

The sands dissolve

The rocks collapse

The skies plummet

Time is flung to the right hand

Of a maker in the Heavens

Doubting the one who was ever so celestial

Pouring a wrath of suffering

Among those who dare to look up

What of this rage?

What of this anguish?

We are an artifact of the rudiments

We are creations refuse

Wash it clean, begin anew

We live curtly in actuality

We die inexorably in truth

What is the meaning?

Author's Note

Feedback?

Reviews

[Heather Marie]

I like the parallel imagery in the repeated lines, it really adds to the feel of the poem. I think you could have cut out a few lines to keep the symmetry, but it still flows nicely. =)

[Frantzuu]

THis is a beautifully written piece, great descriptions, and the details bring out the imagery so greattttt. You did a fantastic job with this!!

[Miss Coral]

Beautiful imagery and great rhythm.. wonderful piece. Nice job.

[MJ Durston]

Overall, nicely done. It flowed well, the images were there, the emotion was obvious. I felt like I could read your mind momentarily.

Something Bad: I didn't like that you began with description and ended with a question, I think it would have been more effective if you began with a question as well, not necessarily the same question. Its too confident in the beginning as opposed to the sincere confusion in the end.

Something Good: I like that you had a couple of sections where the lines were shorter, it added to the effects of your poem, the questions "what is this rage? What s this anguish?" Two completely different emotions that seem to represent the whole poem. You use descriptive words to create almsot every emotion imaginable and I'm not even sure that was the intention.

Keep Writing,
Melissa.

[Aimee Mahathy]

Oh wow, I liked this!
The rhythm in it was amazing. It wasn't strict or anything, but the natural rhythm created by your words was wonderful.
This had a very surreal feeling. I liked the sudden increase in speed when you mentioned time being "flung". That was great!