Him Again

A never ending story...

Love is abnormal, it makes you hate the person you love, and it makes you love the person you hate. I know; it’s fucked up. Tell me about it, but it’s one of life's flaws that it throws at you. In most cases it’s not necessarily a “flaw” it’s a gift. For me, I don’t see it as either, I see it as an experience.  A massive life experience that every person has to go through to realise what they want in life, and if that’s love then great… if not, then great.  You decide.

Some girls have boyfriends all their lives; I was the one girl that never did. I just sat back and listened as I heard story after story of walking hand in hand while watching the sunset at the horrible beaches, first butterflies, first dates, first kisses, first loves. I always smiled because I was happy for them. I really was. But the hopeless romantic in me ached, falling apart a little bit more with each confession of a friend, each recollection of something that sometimes I thought I'd never have. It’s not their fault. They’re all beautiful girls, my friends. With hearts to match. They have the flirty glances, easy icebreakers, and the hard-to-get aura. And me? I smile through conversations where I know I can’t contribute anything to except stories that aren’t mine, experiences I never had. Eventually, I stopped attempting to pay attention all together. So I just sat there, hoping that one day someone will see my heart and my mind that way… beautifully. And finally my day came.

 I still play the last moment over and over in my head. He rode away on his bike, I just sat there. I was screaming 'Wait, dont go!' on the inside, begging Him. I wanted to cry. I want to cry every time I see Him. I wanted to say something, anything. But all I did was just sit there in silence while the pain took over. Then I think back to how happy he made me, how he made me a better person. I’m scared that my feelings for Him will come in the way of me ever being happy. When I’m happy, I don’t see why I’m happy. It sounds rather confusing, trust me it is. But in my last story I mentioned that I never used to allow myself to be happy, well that is exactly what I am doing again. Making myself hate myself, bit by bit. Telling myself that I am doing something wrong when really, I’m not. I had been feeling trapped for a while. Our relationship was never going anywhere, anywhere as in, the next steps of a relationship, I wanted to move in, start a family. I would tell myself that I am trying to live a fairy-tale then I would stop myself from feeling the love I had for Him. But I realised, forgiveness is nothing when you are in love. You forgive everything they do instantly, even if you as are stubborn as I am and go in the huff for a while but I would always forgive him on the spot and not tell him. I couldn’t help it; I forgave everything he had done, everything he was doing, everything he was going to do. Because that’s what you do when you’re in love. You forgive and forget. Its hard to love someone who has never had someone there. When we broke up, I was distraught. And yes, it was hard; every little thing reminded me of him. And I constantly had to remind myself that I was doing the right thing in order to focus on my future. But what is my future if I don’t have a future without Him? The worst part of it is that I cant talk about Him, because if I do, that means its real and that hurts.

You know the type of love that you see in movies, the good old romantic movies, the classics? That is what our love was like, is like. But it’s not, our love is much stronger than that, It always will be. I used to ask people what love felt like. They're reply would make no sense, and now I know that everyone loves differently. Our love was different, like I said before, none of this romantic movie crap, “I would take a bullet for you, my love” No. I would literally have died for him and him me. I would have happily drunk poison, stood in front of a car… anything, In order for him to live.  We only ever wanted to exist in each other’s presence; I would have happily lived a life with just Him and I in it, our own little world. That’s the type of love we had, unconditional, a devoted never-ending, painful love. And now He’s gone, and it’s all my fault.

You see yourself listening to sad music. I’ve never understood this, when watching romantic movies, etc. I’ve never once understood why the girls listen to sad music. Now I know, you do it to let out your emotions. For people like me, a cold hearted maniac… I need some form of release, and my only ever form of release in the whole world was Him, and now I don’t have Him. So music drew out my tears, even happy music. It makes you feel alive, and people who are going through heart break don’t want to feel alive, and that’s the sad thing, that’s what makes us realise: No. I do want to be alive, I do want to remember I have loved, and it was a great love that I will never forget, I wore my heart on my sleeve and don’t intend to ever again.For me it had to happen, it still is happening, but only on the inside. No one else is getting to see what I am feeling about Him. No one can see.  I sometimes wish I had never fallen in love because the aftermath is what kills you, you can’t remember what you felt like before, and you just have this constant feeling of agony inside of you that you can’t let go of, because that’s the only feeling you have of the love you had before, so you don’t want to let go.  That’s one of the hardest things about being in love.

When we try to move on from love, the term “moving on” doesn’t necessarily mean you “move on” and forget about all the good things. It just means you have to accept what happened and continue on with living your life normally. But then how can I continue on living life normally when my normal life was with Him in it? I don’t think I can, I am trying my hardest but somehow it’s just not working. I feel myself wanting to speak to him, wanting to see him, wanting him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok, wanting him to love me like the way he used to.You can have guys wanting you from left right and centre but when it's that one that doesn't want you... None of the other guys matter. They are just... There.   I just… want Him.  One thing we used to talk about quite a lot would be death. Morbid, I know, but it’s not really, we both aren’t afraid of death. So it was easy for us to talk about each other dying. We would grow old together, live a life like the little old couple from the Disney movie “Up”. We even decided that we’d have our own sofa chairs like them too. We would talk about when it came to one of us dying and that we would be waiting for each other on the other side. Now I’m terrified that he won’t be waiting on the other side like we had planned. Because I would wait a million lifetimes for him to die in order for us to be together. 

You might think to yourself, what is this girl blabbing on about heart break when she is the one who broke up with Him?! You're right, I am blabbing on. But I’m blabbing on because in reality no one will ever know what I am going through, no one will ever feel the way I do because I am the one who is breaking my own heart. I have my family telling me, I have done the right thing, why would I want to put myself through so much pain? I don’t know the answer, and I don’t think I ever will. People who have had their heart broken are distraught, I understand that completely, because they weren’t the ones who made the decision to let go. But when you’re the one that’s breaking your own heart… it’s so much harder because you have to realise what you’ve given up and what you’ve let go of without actually letting go. It’s one of these life experiences that people try to warn you about. But you have to experience it yourself for it to become your reality.

We planned a lot of things together, as couples do. We planned our next few days, our next few months, and our next few years. Then we planned our future; it had a lot in it, we planned big! Our travelling adventures was a must, we had it all sorted out.  Our house was to have a Zen room, our quiet area, we both wanted the exact same furniture, carpets, and everything was down to a T. If we were to ever have a child we had the perfect name picked out, and the child would have his surname, because no other surname would go as perfectly with the name as His did. Then there was our wedding. The day of our dreams. We both wanted the same thing. Just us two, our mother, father and sister to be there and that's it. Small, simple… classic. We knew what he was going to wear and I knew what I was going to wear. We wanted it to be a traditional Scottish wedding.  We decided on this vow, even though I know he would add his own little arms and legs onto it, but this was…  is our vows:

'Ye are Blood of my Blood, and Bone of my Bone.
I give ye my Body, that we Two might be One.
I give ye my Spirit, 'til our Life shall be Done.'

It means;

‘You are blood of my veins, you are bone of my bone.
Yours is my body, that we may be one.
Yours is my soul until our worlds end.’

What couple do that at the age of 20? None that I know of, that’s why I know it was something special we have. I don’t want to ever let go of that, even if I’m not showing that I am still unquestionably in love with Him, I still am.  We were made for each other.

Every person has a someone out there that was meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soul mate, the one you can tell your dreams to. They’ll smile at you, but they’ll never laugh at your heart. They’ll brush the hair out of your eyes. Send you flowers when you least expect it. They’ll stare at you during the cinema, even though they have paid about £15 to see it. They’ll call to say goodnight, or just because they are thinking of you and want to hear your voice. They’ll look you in the eyes and tell you that you are the most beautiful person in the entire world, and for the first time in your life, you’ll believe it.  They won’t care how big your thighs are, if you have a big arse or wobbly bits. They notice your smile, the way your lips move when you are talking, your hysterical way of watching a scary film, the weird way you run, your little obsessions over highlanders (just me?), in your exaggerated gestures and the way you pronounce their name. They fall for you because of what you are on the inside, not the outside.  He was my someone, he made me realise I was a beautiful person inside and out. And that’s rather rare to come by. This world is tortured with insecurity, every girl out there always has 100 flaws, or so they seem to think. Even every guy will have his insecurities. And we need people to tell us we are beautiful because truth be told, everyone is. 

It f***s me up knowing that I am still in love with Him. I have this constant fear, that one day He is going to discover that I’m not as great as He once thought I was. I just feel like I can’t have a good time without wishing he was there, experiencing it with me. Or if I do have a good time I have the need to tell him all about it. I can’t picture anything without Him. I can’t be with anyone else because all I do is wish I was still with Him. He is my biggest weakness and always will be. I love him. I love him. I love him.

 

He treated me like a pink starburst.

Author's Note

Any review is a good review in my eyes, I would just like some general feedback of everything.