Screw This Fic Episode 4. KIKEN (possibly pt. 1)

Screw This Fic Episode 4. KIKEN (possibly pt. 1)

A Story by J. R.
"

In which I take a look at a web 'novel'

"
It's been a while, but I'm back with another review of a story that is so bad that it simply must be seen to be believed. This little stinker is called KIKEN and it's an attempt at a web novel, and a I use the word novel in the loosest sense of the word. This isn't a story so much as a series of words vomited onto a screen.

Let's dig in and see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

The story's in black.
My comments in red.










When does the Earth ever calm down?

Nothing kicks off a story quite like a hamfisted attempt at being philosophical


The Earth can never calm down! We as the world, are still panicking! Go on, try touching it, but you'll just make the panicking even worse.

What the f**k does this even mean? Are you trying to convey a message or this your way of letting everyone know you're having a brain embolism?


After all, this is a story of the world. A story that details an ever-panicking world, all due to one measly online game. Hubspace came to life during 2012, and brought disaster to the world.

Oh cool, a 2012 apocalypse story about an evil online video game, because when I think of apocalyptic destruction, I totally think of Everquest.


And if you want to know what type of disaster this is, that WAS disaster. NOTHING can be compared to this. If anything, this can be as devastating as the Earth ending within minutes because this shocked the world!And the future. Ever so constantly.

What the f**k are you even saying. Also, any explanation for why a damn video game can cause a disaster worse than everything that's ever happened?


But something else went on right after that.

KIKEN: CHIKYUUGAOWARUHANASHI

CHAPTER 1: The Panicking World

Holy f**k look at that title. Are those words or did you have a slap-fight with your keyboard?


"Ah crap, gonna be late!" A young boy said. He put on his polo, sprayed himself with deodorant and perfume which he knows he likes, put on his pants, tie and sweater vest.

what a riveting opening. Seriously, this isn't even trying.


His name was Kakeru Kouen, a young, tanned, red-head 15-year old. He suffers from chronic amnesia, but he knows everything. A lot.

Amnesia is writer-speak for "I ain't explaining s**t." It is the laziest f*****g tool of the trade, and this assclown doesn't even use it right. How the f**k can you have chronic memory loss and still "know everything" on a consistent basis?


"Ruffhouseman, not now." Kakeru commanded. He had a dog named Ruffhouseman, who he had as long as he could remember.

It would nice if you actually described the f*****g dog, or anything at all.


"Stay here, bro, okay?" Kakeru pleaded. He ran off to Hikariyama High School, in which he was a sophomore student.

This is barely a f*****g story. No detail, no characterization, just a list of events we feel no investment or interest in.


"Kouen-kun, your 5th tardy record this month! At least it was only five minutes this time!" Kakeru's homeroom teacher, Kawashita Arika explained. She was a deretsun-a very nice teacher who had her Misty Mays at first, she had a very aloof and cranky tsuntsun side.

Yeah, yeah, you know a few Japanese words. That's cool, now get them out of your f*****g story. You're writing for an English audience, nobody is going to know what a tsuntsun or deretsun-a is, instead you could use English words and phrases that mean the same thing, but that'd require effort and we certainly can't have that.


"Sorry, Kouen-kun, -hy do I always see you fall asleep deeper than normal?

The wording is so awkward. It's like listening to a lobotomy patient try to learn English a day after surgery.


" Kakeru shrugged his head. He looked down on Arika, but she ended up slapping him. "You were staring, weren't you! Be honest or you'll get a demerit!" Arika scolded him, while Kakeru's nose started to spew out blood.

People do not get nosebleeds when they stare at women's breasts. There was literally no reason to include this detail other than to let the reader know that this is s**t sprinkled with anime tropes.


"Oh my gosh, Kakeru-kun, your face is bleeding like a faucet!" Hikari said, noting Kakeru's bleeding nose. "In my defense, those two things were staring at me.

Yeah it's totally the teachers fault you were ogling her.


" Kakeru tried to restrain himself from staring, yet he was still in denial. "Oh gosh, just go through with work now." Hikari was stressed during the conversation between her and her student. "Okay Miss, sorry about what happened." Kakeru apolgized, "Darn, will this nosebleeding stop?" but Hikari kept grunting and she was still pretty angry, and Kakeru's worksheets were a wee bit bloody.


Finally, after having a war with other classes, the first three periods of the school day were over.

What is this about a war with other classes? Is this some kind of Battle Royale world where students kill each other or is the word 'war' used to describe a conflict between classes despite us being told nothing about them apart from this one line?


It was recess and Kakeru was rummaging though his bag for unfinished worksheets, specifically Math homework. He thought as he crammed his homework, "What the hell is Hubspace?" Kakeru kept hearing about the word, Hubspace, as it was frequently mentioned in the news. "Why is there such a thing, an online game that could destroy civilization?"

Good question, but I really doubt this story is going to answer properly.


Kakeru thought aloud. He knew that Hubspace was also related to Hikariyama Academy, so he decided to converse with students about it since they also liked discussing current events.

"Oi, Kakeru-sempai!" Another boy said. His name was Yuuichi Minagawa, big brother to a pair of twins and a little sister.

You could show him interacting with his siblings if you wanted to let us know he's a big brother. It's called Show Don't Tell, have you heard of it?


"You thinking about Hubspace too? My 'lil bro and 'lil sis are still investigating it." He was the most boisterous freshman you could ever find, with his grades excelling in PE and Health, while they were pretty low in Mathematics.

DON'T JUST SAY HE'S BOISTEROUS, SHOW HIM BEING BOISTEROUS.

You could also show him being good at PE and Health, just saying.


"Whabout you, kouhai?" Kakeru wondered, if ever Yuuichi was ever going to help him with all the Hubspace business Kakeru was doing. "Sorry, don't have time. Have track, band and basketball." Yuuichi said.

"Well, at least one person knows two siblings who are available 24 hours a day,..." Another boy whispered. He was blonde and pale, and his name was Derani Terasuma. "Remember the mission...?" Derani asked. Unlike Kakeru, Derani never suffered from amnesia, and was more bookish than him, since Kakeru was more of a sports buff. "What mission?" Kakeru asked. He was about to suffer from the amnesia he had.

That is not how amnesia works.


"Remember, logging into Hubspace without an NDE?" Derani asked. "Oh, right," Kakeru started to recall the time when he registered onto Hubspace.

But unusually, he didn't disappear. And yet, Kakeru didn't even recieve a near-death experience.

This would makes sense if you took the time to explain what the f**k Hubspace is, like maybe have a Prologue where some people are on Hubspace and something happens to them, but that would require effort.


"Well, anyway, got to go down. You just reminded me about some Hubspace-high 8th Graders." Kakeru remembered. The chronic amnesia had kept Kakeru from ever remembering anything important: maybe it was the cost of successfully registering onto Hubspace. As Kakeru went down, he kept whispering to himself, "The cost of life is more valuable, than any jewel in the world, so it is mandatory you interrogate every person related to Hubspace."

And again you're trying to sound meaningful. Stop doing that.


Suddenly, Kakeru saw two boys, one short, one tall, right in front of each other, simply standing and talking.

Amnesiac AND nearsighted! Boy it sucks to be you, Kakeru.


"Hichou. The Conflict, remember?" The tall one asked. His name was Shouhei Tomogawa. He was 14 years old, and in the 8th Grade of Hikariyama Middle School. Tall, toned, brown-haired, he was the dream jock of Hikariyama Middle School. Even the talented jocks looked up to him. Literally. Due to his height, Kakeru thought that Shouhei would bully the shorter kid. "Remember that in Hubspace, we will wage war on each other?

Oh look, conflict.


We made a promise. And we will draw people in." Shouhei followed. And as soon as Kakeru heard that, he passed out.

What


As soon as Kakeru woke up, 10 minutes later, the two kids were gone. But he remembered something for once. The whole conversation. Kakeru didn't want to.

He was 5 minutes late. He forgot his classes. What would Kakeru's teacher do with him if he was late?

Just tell her you passed out and have amnesia, she'll send you home with a note saying you have a case of contrived bullshit syndrome.


But Kakeru just said, "Maybe I'll just tell her I went to the bathroom for a little while." Then, as he walked, all of the traces of the conversation went to him. He remembered there being Tin Herons and Brass Kites. Were there such things as actual metallic birds?

It's really hard just staying focused on this s**t without my eyes glazing over, this isn't good for making fun of.


Maybe he can draw conclusions later.

"Okay, so as I said, Ancient India was the time period in which the Aryans conquered the Indus River. India was secluded, as it had its own..." the teacher went on. It was Humanities, one of Kakeru's best subjects other than PE. Humanities functioned like a more complex Social Studies.

Humanities is not a single class you assmuppet. It's a whole range of studies. If you're going to show this steaming pile to the internet, you could at the very least do some research on something other than breast sizes in Japanese cartoons.


As Yamato Doi-sensei talked about the cultural richness of the Hinduists and Ancient Indian civilization, Kakeru thought, "The Conflict. Maybe I'll have to do some more research on that." Kakeru's home life was paved with work. Work. Best case scenario, he can actually slack off.

I could point out yet another violation of "show don't tell" but I think you guys get the point.


That afternoon, Kakeru came back from school and was finished with his homework.

"Damn, more articles on Hubspace," Kakeru kept clicking on every article related to Hubspace that he could. "And most of them seem like fluff pieces."

This doesn't even look like it wasn't badly in English, it looks like it was written badly in another language and then run through babelfish a few dozen times.


But one recent article caught his eye: it was one published four months ago, by Yukari Hongaku. "So this one's Hubspace"The End of The World in One CD, huh," Kakeru muttered. "This one ain't a fluff piece after all!" Quickly scanning through it, Kakeru looked through a sea of words until he saw a fish. Infact, the fish was so big that Kakeru copied and saved the article, just in case he needed help. It reads...

"The Yumegorosu Corp. has already faced legal action more than once by the families of testers who have died while playing Hubspace, or at least put their lives at risk and danger for eternity. One such tester was Juuri Fujisaku, who still remains alive to this day and wonders the future of the game she tested.

If this game has killed people with the media being fully aware of it, why hasn't it been shut down?


"I remember getting an NDE playing Hubspace, and there were two crests, one gold, with a heron, and one silver, with a kite.." She said. "I didn't know what they were for, anyway: I just went on and played away." According to Ms. Fujisaku, Hubspace is a very good game, but can kill you just before playing it.

IF IT KILLS YOU IT IS NOT A GOOD GAME


Ms. Fujisaku leaked every detail, but she only allowed major details to be given away to the public. She states that the previously stimulus-reseponse theory of Hubspace is not wrong, in some cases, it happened to Fujisaku herself.

Also, Ms. Fujisaku says that a rare item costs at least 5,000 yen and is a one-use item only; that was the suspect's possible motive, for the November 2010 murders.

Fujisaku says that Player vs. Player matches are highly celebrated amongst Hubspacers. Skills and levels are temporarily raised, and people from all walks of life watch each battle. But with such amount of people can even make someone undergo a Hikikomori withdrawal phase, due to a great amount shame if ever they lose, constant ridicule and ostracizing thrust upon him."

But in another part of the article...

"Ms. Fujisaku said, "The people who play Hubspace are in some form of hypnosis: the game makes them sleepy, and as soon as they wake up, boom! They do whatever it is that Hubspace makes them do." She researched on her activities from when she tested the Alpha Version of Hubspace: Fujisaku couldn't help do in real life what she did in Hubspace, but she said that "it was all due to some unknown reason."

Never before have so many words meant so little. I have seen spambots write better than this.


November 2010 murders. Yokohama Ambushes. Those were the two reported incidents that were proof of the stimulus-response theory mentioned in the article. "The stimulus-response theory, huh? So the game is some sort of hypnotist, and a stimulus, wanting you to keep the balance of both the gaming world and the real world by causing whatever is caused in the former in the latter.

Wow." Kakeru summarized Ms. Fujisaku's response to the stimulus-response theory. For some strange reason, however, Kakeru never felt the need to balance both worlds.

And even he had registered onto Hubspace, too.

"Probably the chronic amnesia made up for the stimulus-response thing," Kakeru whispered.

Why does he even have amnesia in the first place...


He knew that Hubspace was playing with him, and his amnesia kept going on daily. His guardian was the author of the article, his Yukari-neechan. She was 7 years older than him, but Hikari looked a younger due to her petite frame. "And to think my cousin wrote this article, she's a pretty good writer herself!" Kakeru said, and wanted to praise the article of Hikari, but she was overworked herself, researching on Hubspace. Kakeru knew they connected. Then the phone rang.

"Kakeru-sempai, Tsugumu here!" Tsugumu answered. He was the younger brother of Yuuichi, and Tsugumu was a very energetic boy.

I'm  really tempted to just type random stuff here. This story is so bad that I'm having a hard time just looking at it.



"Oh, hey, Tsuu-kun, how're you?" Kakeru picked up the phone and asked the boy. "Oh, nothing much. Just wanna investigate Hubspace. Planning on writing about it." Tsugumu asked. "I've lost my writer's touch, but this, I've gotta see!" He was pretty excited to chronicle what was an apocalyptic war that took place in an online game just as bad as the Conflict. But then, Tsugumu's twin, Tsukiyo, decided to grab the phone.

"Hey, Kouen-sempai. It's Tsukiyo."

A story about an apocalyptic war and there is no tension. None.


Tsukiyo said. She was the younger sister of Yuuichi, and the older twin sister of Tsugumu. "I'm also gonna co-author the Hubspace chronicles. You are gonna be in it, and you're gonna tell us everything, haha!" Tsukiyo was excited to write about Hubspace herself. "So you wanna interview me, eh?" Kakeru asked. He would've told the Minagawa twins everything he knew after the Conflict he read about in his cousin's article. "Well, I gotta go, there is a time for everything to end." Tsukiyo hung up.

This person typed this, thought "Yeah, this is good enough to show the world" and then put it on the internet. You have to dig to find standards that low.


Meanwhile, something else went on back in the room of a hikikomori.

"Reality, I know I hate you, but why do I miss you?" The hikikomori-diagnosed man said. His name was Rukao Minami, and he suffered from a hikikomori withdrawal period as soon as he heard about an online game: and Rukao suffered from an addiction to the very game.

I'm not sure what hikikomori means and I'm pretty sure the word's being used improperly here.


"Heck, losing my touch with you made me end up... you know." Rukao looked around in his 1-bedroom apartment, complete with a TV, kitchen, bathroom, Wii, and a PC. "But still, how did I end up becoming attached to Hubspace?" He asked himself, sighing when his back landed on the bed.

His back landed on the bed. Not his whole body, just his back. That's an unfortunate medical condition right there.


But another thing happened in the dormitory of a Hikariyama University student.

"Here it is-Creation, Regeneration, and Destruction Became Hubspace." A woman adjusted her glasses. She was Nanako Shichijima, a 1st year Computer Science student. "Well, if I DID recieve that NDE, I may as well explain the events that stem from it!" Nanako said, as she remembers getting the near-death experience from registering an account onto Hubspace.

The characters are so bland. They don't have any personality or development, they're mixtures of anime cliches. You could replace the entire cast with hermit crabs and that would be an improvement.


She decided to do it for her Computer Science thesis paper, describing the structure, tech specs and the software which made many people worry. But Nanako would just keep writing.

A near death experience and she writes about the technical specs. This is like writing about the time you were robbed and going on about what color the robber's shoelaces were.



After getting a free period, Kakeru was in the Math room.

"Okay, the Conflict of Tin and Brass. The only information I gained from it was that it is a war between reformists (i.e. those who want to reform the game by creating a patch) and revolutionaries (i.e. those who want to eliminate the game on its own, therefore having no choice but to recreate it)."

The plot thickens and I could not give less of a s**t. This writing is so god damned dull and lifeless.


Kakeru wrote down. He was getting started on a personal essay detailing the Conflict, or as he calls it, the Conflict of Tin and Brass. "So you're getting started on an essay?" Derani passed by. "Well, its a good way to combat my amnesia," Kakeru replied.

I have read obituaries more fun than this.


But Kakeru went to the college campus of Hikariyama for some reason.
He knew Hubspacers were there.

He saw someone and decided to follow her for the rest of the day. She had a standard Hikariyama school badge, and she wore long socks to go with her already shrinking skirt and glasses on her head.

"Glasses on her head." She's not wearing them, she just has them on her head.



That girl was also putting her books into her locker, ready to go back to her dorm just like the rest of her class. Next thing you know, Kakeru was hiding behind a set of lockers, but as he was walking, the girl was walking too. She bumped into him. For a long time, the two looked at each other, but the chestnut-haired, bespectacled girl started getting up.

"Ohh, I am SO sorry-hey, you're a high schooler!" The girl asked. It was Nanako Shichijima, and she wanted to know why there was a high schooler in the university campus of Hikariyama. "Kakeru Kouen. I think you might be affiliated with a certain game called Hubspace." Kakeru asked, while Nanako brought him to a seperate room. "Come with me," Nanako insisted. The two went to a room where it was silent. Actually they went to her dorm. Many a student thought that Nanako and Kakeru had a relationship, but Nanako explained everything to Kakeru.

"So, why are you asking me about Hubspace?" Nanako asked. "Do you think you're some kind of secret agent here?" "Well, I've been researching, and rumors say that you'll use Hubspace for your thesis. And no, I'm not some kind of agent from any sort of government." Kakeru explained.

What government agency would employ a high schooler?


Nanako told him everything about it. About the time when her thesis' first draft was leaked to the point of victimizing Nanako, therefore drafting her into one of the groups found in Hubspace, particularly a group composed of revolutionaries and cynics.

REVOLUTIONARIES AND CYNICS ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS THEY CANNOT BE PART OF AN IDEOLOGICALLY MOTIVATED GROUP TOGETHER.



"So you're for the Brass Kites, huh?" Kakeru asked. "Maybe. That's all I can give you. Oh, and you will give no word of any sort of organization or person, not even a friend." Nanako pressured Kakeru, and he came out of the dorm as if he was frozen solid. Derani was there by the dorm's door, and said, "Was it the price of love there, or did she tell you something about the mission?" Kakeru just shrugged it off, walking ahead of Derani. "You can at least tell me something about what happened in there!" Derani yelled from one part of the corridor to no avail.

But a man peered out of a wall.

"Its Hubspace, I'm sure of it... I can sense the boy's feelings..." The man whispered.

And now we have the 'mysterious man saying cryptic s**t' cliche.


"Huh? Who's there?" Derani asked.

"Rukao Minami, nice to meet you. I know about Nanako and her association to Hubspace. And its not just her thesis." Rukao said. Next thing you know, Derani went pale. "Nanako...? Associated with Hubspace in more than one way? Other than her thesis? What's happening?" The boy thought. "As you may know, there is a conflict going on.

A poorly explained and very dull conflict at that.


And if you want to know what I am, I'm an esper who is still researching the stimulus-response theory associated with Hubspace." Rukao explained. "What's the association?" Derani asked. And he wanted to know. Badly.

"As you may know, there is only a finite combination of words in any language," Rukao explained, "But please bear with me." Rukao instructed. "Of course," Derani nodded. "I'd love to know what the hell caused this whole thing!" Derani wanted nothing more but to know, and tell Kakeru what happened. Or just in case his amnesia lapses in again, Kakeru can go through a re-cap again, which will be benificial to the two of them. But Derani decided not to, seeing as he had a feeling Kakeru didn't forget just yet, and the two share conflicting values and ideas!

"Hubspace, Herons, Kites... this is danger, for the panicking world! Kiken-na sekai da!"


Oh god it's over at last....

This was barely even a story. That's all I have to say...


© 2012 J. R.



Author's Note

J. R.
Should I cover the rest of this or move on? What do you think?

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Reviews

Oh my god...
No wonder you took so long with this one. I seriously could not have have sat through this without your commentary. Where did this guy learn to write? Anime School? Hent-High? Jesus Christ!
Now as to the question of whether you should cover the rest of this... Yes. Yes you should. Suffer for my entertainment J.R.! Suffer!

Posted 5 Years Ago



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Added on January 11, 2012
Last Updated on February 26, 2012
Tags: screw, this, fic, incompetent, writing, holy, fuck

Author

J. R.
J. R.

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I am an aspiring writer who is interested in improving as a writer and getting my work out to the world. . more..

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