Lydia & Johnson

**4TH SCENE JUST ADDED** First 3 scenes of a comedic play I made for fun. Thanks for reading!

[Scene 1]

(Curtains rise to Johnson sitting on the couch, playing video games. Lydia enters stage right, with groceries in her hands)

Lydia. This is what it looks like when your girlfriend could use some help.

Johnson. (His eyes glued to the television) Okay honey, I’ll be right there.

Lydia. Too late now. Thanks for the help.

Johnson. (Still in his gaming trance) Uhh…no problem.

Lydia. So how did the interview go?

Johnson. What did you say babe?

Lydia. I SAID how did the interview go?

Johnson. Umm…good?

(Lydia stops and turns to Johnson)

Lydia. Good as in you got the job?

(Johnson doesn’t turn to her)

Johnson. Yeah, sure.

(Lydia stomps over to the television and shuts it off)

Johnson. WHAT IS YOUR -

Lydia. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!?

Johnson. Lyd -

Lydia. I bust my a*s working two jobs, and you can’t get off your fat a*s for one lousy interview!??!

(Johnson lifts the dog, Snuggles, onto his lap)

Lydia. It’s been over six months since you were laid off, and you haven’t done s**t to get your act together since then. And you said you had a good chance of getting this job; how could you simply blow off the interview???

(Johnson continues to pet Snuggles, totally ignoring Lydia)

Lydia. So I guess you have no excuse, huh? (Lydia walks back towards the kitchen) Oh, I’m sorry; you were too busy playing video games!

(Without responding, Johnson turns on the television and continues to game. Lydia angrily slams the kitchen cabinets as she puts the groceries away)

Lydia. (Turning to Johnson) I fucked Davy Jones last Saturday!

(Johnson doesn’t respond)

Lydia. I said I fucked Davy Jones last week because my boyfriend is a f**k-up!

Johnson. Yeah, well, I fucked Snuggles this morning.

Lydia. You’re an a*****e. You can never take anything seriously, which is why I’m leaving you for Davy.

Johnson. (Johnson finally turns to Lydia) Well, then, let this be a first: I seriously fucked Snuggles this morning. I’m so sexually frustrated - which is ironic, because my girlfriend is a w***e - that I resorted to f*****g a dog this morning after you rejected me and went to your “job.”

(Lydia stares, blankly, in disbelief)

Johnson. Yeah, that’s right. (He gets up with Snuggles in his arms) And guess what - SHE WAS BETTER THAN YOU!

(Lydia grabs a knife and charges Johnson. Johnson runs off stage left with Snuggles still in his arms. Lydia follows. Curtains fall)

 

[Scene 2]

(Curtains rise to Lydia and Davy Jones sitting at Davy’s locker)

Lydia. Ughhh, what do I do? How would you get Snuggles back?

Davy Jones.  I don’t know, release the Kraken?

Lydia. HA-HA, you’re so funny!

(Davy Jones has a puzzled look on his face)

Davy Jones. (Under his breath) Well that’s what I would do…

Lydia. That chubby, perverted prick…I can’t believe him! Have you ever heard something so fucked up before?

Davy Jones. Ehh, I don’t know. Blackbeard’s monkey was looking pretty good the last time I saw him…

(Davy Jones strokes his tentacles as he day dreams)

Lydia. Davy?

(Davy Jones snaps out of his trance)

Davy Jones. Uhh, I guess that is pretty fucked up of him; dogs are gross. (To himself) Johnson has no taste…

Lydia. (Playfully hitting Davy) Stop it Davy! I’m in a serious situation here and you’re joking around. Don’t be like Johnson -

Davy Jones. (Snapping at Lydia) IS JOHNSON A WORLD-CLASS PIRATE!? IS JOHNSON A LEGEND OF THE SEA!?

Lydia. (Taken aback, confused) Sorry, Davy - I didn’t mean anything by it.

(Davy Jones continues to pace back and forth, ignoring Lydia)

Lydia. Okay, so seriously, how do I get Snuggles back?

(Davy Jones is rummaging through his locker)

Lydia. I mean, I can’t just pick up the phone and call the pervert.

Davy Jones. Hey Lydia, have you seen that Johnny Depp queer anywhere? I seemed to have misplaced him - he’s not in my locker.

Lydia. What are you talking about? Davy, are you even listening to me?

(Davy Jones is throwing things out of his locker, onto the floor)

Davy Jones. (Turning to Lydia) HAVE YOU BEEN IN MY LOCKER!? YOU STUPID LITTLE -

Lydia. No! Why would I go through your locker!?

(Davy stares at Lydia before slamming his locker closed)

Davy Jones. I don’t know. But if I find out you did, you’ll wish I only fucked your stupid ugly dog.

(Lydia, astounded, stands up and faces Davy Jones)

Lydia. I thought you were different, but I guess I made a mistake!

(Lydia makes her way to stage left)

Davy Jones. Well if you see Johnny Depp, (he stares hard at Lydia) you know where to find me.

(Lydia continues out stage left. Curtains fall)

 

[Scene 3]

(Curtains rise to psychiatrist, Denzel Washington, sitting in a dark corner of the bar. Johnson enters stage right and approaches Denzel)

Johnson. Dr. Washington?

Denzel. That’s my name.

Johnson. Hi, I’m Johnson - we spoke on the phone.

(Johnson extends his hand, but Denzel remains back in his seat, ignoring it. Johnson lets out an awkward chuckle and sits down)

Denzel. You want a drink, son?

Johnson. No, no thank you, I don’t drink.

Denzel. Hahahahaaaa! C’mon, what do you want?

(Denzel gestures to the waitress)

Johnson. No, seriously - I’ve been clean for nine months.

Denzel. I’ve been doing this for fifteen years; I think I know when a n***a needs a f****n’ drink! Consider this your new prescription.

(Johnson stops Denzel before he can order them drinks)

Johnson. With all due respect -

Denzel. ALL DUE RESPECT?! If you have respect, you have a drink when you sit down at another man’s table. Do you respect me? It isn’t sounding like you have respect for me right now.

Johnson. No, sir, I respect you, I respect you.

Denzel. Oh, so you respect me now?

(Johnson turns to the waitress and orders a beer)

Denzel. Mah n***a! That’s right - mah n***a!

(Johnson puts on a smile as Denzel laughs to himself)

Johnson. I was kind of surprised when you told me to meet you here. Where’s your office?

Denzel. You’re in da office, baby!

Johnson. No way, seriously?

Denzel. Why, is there something wrong with that? Are you implying that if I run my practice out of a bar, my work is illegitimate?

Johnson. No, Dr. Washington -

Denzel. Where’s your office, Johnson? Oh right, you don’t have one.

(The waitress returns with the drinks, cutting the tension. Johnson takes a long sip from his drink and Denzel smirks)

Denzel. Mah n***a!

(Johnson nods and tilts his drink forward, gesturing to Denzel)

Denzel. What is it you wanted to see me about? You said your girlfriend dumped you because you’re unemployed, right?

Johnson. Yeah, she bugged out after I missed a job interview, and proceeded to tell me how she cheated on me with a guy named Davy Jones.

Denzel. Davy Jones? Isn’t that from a movie or something?

Johnson. Yes! That’s why I’m confused - if she really cheated on me, why make up such a dumb name? Why not just say “Dave” or something; not “Davy Jones!”

Denzel. Well what did you do when she said that to you?

Johnson. I made up this crazy story about how I had sex with her dog. I told her I was sexually frustrated, and resorted to f*****g the dog…as if I couldn’t find anything better. I can’t believe she bought it!

Denzel. You sick motha f***a! You tapped dat a*s, didn’t you? I know you tapped dat a*s!

Johnson. No, f**k no! What do I look like a -

Denzel. Hahaha! You tapped dat a*s!

Johnson. Holy s**t, I didn’t f**k my girlfriend’s dog!

Denzel. You mean to tell me that you were living with this b***h for how long and you never tapped dat a*s? C’mon, you can tell me -

Johnson. No! I’m not a perverted freak…

(Denzel downs his drink and puts on his jacket)

Denzel. I think my time here is up. Once you’re ready to talk to me, you know where to find me. You got the tab; that’ll be enough for today’s visit.

(Denzel heads for the door, stage right)

Johnson. Alright fine, goodbye -

(Denzel stops and turns to Johnson)

Denzel. It’s not goodbye son - it’s see ya lata.

 (Denzel continues out stage right. Curtains fall)

[Scene 4]

(Curtains rise. Johnson enters the apartment from stage left. He becomes startled when he hears a scuffle in the bedroom)

Johnson. Hello? Lydia?

(Johnson inches closer to the bedroom door, trying to see what’s going on)

Davy Jones. (murmuring under his breath) Where are you Johnny? I know you’re in here…

(Johnson hears the commotion and opens the door expecting to find Lydia with another man)

Johnson. HEY! Who the f**k are you?!

(Davy, caught off guard, nearly trips over his tentacles as he turns to Johnson)

Davy Jones. Holy s**t…

(He bends over and rests his tentacles where his knees would be, had he had any)

Davy Jones. …you scared the s**t out of me! You must be Johnson-

(Davy reaches out a tentacle to shake Johnson’s hand)

Johnson. (waving his hands, dismissing Davy) Hold up, hold up, hold up…who are you again?

Davy Jones. I’m -

Johnson. And how do you know my name? And what the F**K were you doing in my underwear drawer?!

Davy Jones. (becoming agitated) Calm it down, dog molester; I’m Lydia’s friend, Davy.

Johnson. Davy? As in…Davy Jones? I thought that was a joke -

Davy Jones. What’s a joke is Lydia was dating you, Mr. T-bone Dangler -have you ever even sailed on a boat?

(Johnson, confused as f**k, shakes his head with his eyes closed, trying to get a grip on the situation)

Davy Jones. And by the way, what made you go for a dog, anyway? I know you’re not a world class pirate or anything, but I figured you had some taste, dating Lydia and all, but you then you go and f**k the ugliest of creatures; a dog.

Johnson. I DIDN’T F**K -

(Davy grabs Johnson by the throat and pins him up against the wall)

Davy Jones. Listen here, you little n****r "

Johnson. (in between his choked coughs) I’m not black!

Davy Jones. Then why is your name Johnson, huh?

Johnson. Because I -

Davy Jones. (tightening his grip) Shut up, I don’t care! Now listen up: you’re going to tell me exactly where you’re little make-up-wearing-f****t friend, Johnny Depp, is hiding. And you’re going to tell me right -

Lydia. DAVY! STOP IT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

(Davy lets go of Johnson’s neck as he turns to Lydia, dropping him to the floor)

Davy Jones. Lydia -

(Lydia rushes to Johnson’s aid, on the floor)

Lydia. Oh my God, are you okay, Johnson!? (She turns to Davy) WHAT DID YOU DO?! 

Davy Jones. (pointing to Johnson) He was trying to rape me!

Lydia. (she turns to Davy with an even deadlier expression than before) What?

Davy Jones. Yeah, that’s right! I came over here to apologize, and before I know it, Johnson is trying to lure me into the dog house, telling me to call him ‘Mr. T-Bone’.

(Lydia turns to Johnson for an answer, but all he could do is shake his head in denial)

Lydia. Johnson " (her voice beginning to rise) what’s going on?

Davy Jones. I didn’t mean to hurt him, but when he tried to grab me, I panicked!

(Johnson tries to say something, but when Lydia leans in to try to hear him, she interrupts)

Lydia. Is that alcohol on your breath? HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING AGAIN, JOHNSON?!

Johnson. (in a low, stratchy voice) No, I -

Lydia. How many times have we been over this? You promised me the last time that you would stop drinking…

Jonson. You don’t under-

(Lydia is now on her feet, standing next to Davy)

Lydia. I don’t want to hear it; get out - NOW!

(Lydia huddles under Davy’s tentacle as they watch Johnson struggle to get to his feet)

Davy Jones. Don’t forget the dog treats on the way out, T-Bone.

(Johnson shoots them a look of resentment as he exits stage left. Curtains fall to Lydia and Davy center stage)

Author's Note

Enjoy! .......apparently hyphens are replaced with quotation marks...