Until I Find Beautiful

I do not feel beautiful, at least not the kind that I want with all my being. This beauty is not merely physical..it's a beauty beyond what the eye can see.

Until I find beautiful 

I can still be other things

But all I dream 

All I want to be

To do

Is to fly on wings of beautiful

It wasn't something I knew I needed

Until I saw that the girls

In sixth grade

Who didn't have bumpy knees

Or messy ponytails

Got called on first

And though their eyes

Held nothing but a mirror

In which to make their hair

Their slight frames,

 Small, sleek movements,

Silver Juicy zippers,

Found favor in the eyes 

Of the beholder 

In a way that awkward, sprouting tree

Could not

My fathers 1981 Webster says 

That beautiful

Is "Having the qualities of beauty" 

And it said that beauty

Is "pretty" 

Or "qualities in a person or thing that give pleasure

To the senses"

Or "pleasurable to the mind or spirit"

I need to find it

For Joseph looked at me today

He said

"You are so 

Beautifull."

And I said

"Thank you."

But the "Thank you" hung cold in my mouth

Grimy, dirty

I wanted to spit it out

I am not 

Beautiful 

The way that beautiful 

Fills,

 Satisfies, 

Sings...

The way it kills you 

To leave it

The way it hurts to look away

From the softest sound, 

From the steam in the shower,

The way you cannot

Not

Take another bite

Of the laughter palpable 

In a room full of family 

The way the chip 

On the indigo teacup

Glistens in the sun

From the open window

At the bungalow

That is

Beautiful

Until I find beautiful

I need to learn to be still

To not let my shirt

Come off another time

Just to hear those words

That I won't yet let

Bounce from my eardrum

To stuff it in 

With the others in the closet

With the dresses that I'll wear

 When I'm tiny and pretty 

And with the suitcases 

That I'll use when I'm fine

I'm fine

I'm just not 

Beautiful

But until I find beautiful

I can still be other things

I can learn to paint my heart

And sing:

"Please give me wings

So I may fly...

So I may fly on wings

 Of 

Beautiful.."