diving into the sea

diving into the sea

A Chapter by claudia
"

this is a really quik sketch about my first chapter, tell me if you like it or what you would do different, you can also give me english tips!! thanks for reading it^^

"

I stopped rowing until I came to the perfect place, you could see far into the clear water.  The water flowed softly to the land and I did slide my hand through the water, it felt wonderfully.  I took my diving clothes and pulled it over my swimming clothes.  I murmured Sammy goodbye (Sammy is my dog) and let me sink into the water. 
Sammy looked at the water from the boat until I disappeared. 
Underwater I completely absorbed into my surroundings and saw all the fish swimming by. 
It still amazes me that the fish accept the people in the water and do not bother while they are swimming.

 

 I swam deeper and recognized places where I had been before.  At one point there was a kind of image of a woman, perhaps it had once sunk down by a shipwreck. 
I swam deeper to discover the pieces where I had not been before. 
The deeper I swam the lighter it was, it seemed strange. 
At one point it was obvious I even saw air appear, was I just stupid and did I swim upstairs again or what? 
I swam further down with a strange feeling in my stomach and finally I came upstairs. 
surprised I looked  around me, what was this?  What is this for a place?  How did I ever get here? 
I wasn't able to get it and my thoughts spilled through my mind. 
I went down into the water and it was hard to breath, but someone grabbed my hand somewhere out of the unknown world. 
They pulled me up and put me down I wanted to resist but I did not succeed. 
There I was completely stiffened by a feeling that I could not place. 
The men wrapped a long piece of cloth around me and whispered something like "stupid girl, why did you  go into the water?"
I could not answer because I wasn't able to move my lips, I was taken in a transport thing that looked strange. 

My body reacted a little normal when I was in the transport thing. 
The men drove to a nice wooden house and put their vehicle next to it. 
All white grains whirled downwards, it looked like a kind of powder but in a more solid form. 
When it landed on my skin I shivered. The men quickly pulled me in and there they made a fire with branches of a tree. 
The men grabbed some clothes from the cupboard and threw it on the bed what was standing in the room and then walked away. 
I still shivered and I realized that maybe they were wearing those huge clothes for a good reason.  It was so more different here than at home ...



© 2018 claudia


My Review

Would you like to review this Chapter?
Login | Register




Featured Review

Thank you for writing and sharing. :)
Your first line could be improved to better hook readers into the story. Based on what I read, I think it should foreshadow what is to come. Look up "How to Write a Good First Line" by Diane Callahan on YouTube. Diane analyzes different kinds of first lines for different genres and breaks down the different types/characteristics that are used.
Based on what I read there doesn't seem to be a lot of action going on. I would see how the chapter reads if you cut out all the stuff before "I swam deeper and recongnized places where I had been before."
As you are outlining scenes, chapters, look into the basic South Park method of storytelling to help organize thoughts, scenes, and create action. The model they use is this "Goal-Obstacle-Change" or "And-But-Therefore". Based on my reading it seems that the goal of the main character is to explore the shipwreck. But, the main character is transported to another world. Therefore... what? Is the character trying to escape? Does the character want to explore the new world instead? Then add a little extra by asking the question, "What happens to further raise the tension?" And use that as your cliffhanger to keep the readers reading on to the next chapter.

Posted 7 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Thank you for writing and sharing. :)
Your first line could be improved to better hook readers into the story. Based on what I read, I think it should foreshadow what is to come. Look up "How to Write a Good First Line" by Diane Callahan on YouTube. Diane analyzes different kinds of first lines for different genres and breaks down the different types/characteristics that are used.
Based on what I read there doesn't seem to be a lot of action going on. I would see how the chapter reads if you cut out all the stuff before "I swam deeper and recongnized places where I had been before."
As you are outlining scenes, chapters, look into the basic South Park method of storytelling to help organize thoughts, scenes, and create action. The model they use is this "Goal-Obstacle-Change" or "And-But-Therefore". Based on my reading it seems that the goal of the main character is to explore the shipwreck. But, the main character is transported to another world. Therefore... what? Is the character trying to escape? Does the character want to explore the new world instead? Then add a little extra by asking the question, "What happens to further raise the tension?" And use that as your cliffhanger to keep the readers reading on to the next chapter.

Posted 7 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

202 Views
1 Review
Added on October 15, 2018
Last Updated on October 15, 2018
Tags: sea, sketch, shiver, transport, ground, bed, wooden house


Author

claudia
claudia

Netherlands



About
hello! I am Claudia (that's a nickname)and love to write short stories and i am curious about what you think of it:) more..

Writing