I want to feel

I want to feel

I don’t feel enough,
Which isn’t to say I’m inadequate, just that I don’t feel enough.
My eyes are smiling, my throat is dry, my nose freezes over, but it’s not enough.
The arms of my mind reach into my soul,
reach and reach into the unfathomable depths,
Only to come up with sands,
sands that slip through the fingertips of my mind’s clutching embrace.

Come closer and you’ll see,
every painting on the wall is calling to me.
I want to wrap my arms around Monet,
Plaster my face onto the canvas,
Extend my fingers as far as they’ll go,
Closer and closer still until my cheek feels each brushstroke,
Acrylic vapours tickle and tears appear,
Falling into a whirlpool of colours.

But it’s not enough.
Elsewhere is my mind,
a blank wall, a winter’s landscape.
I crave melancholy,
An aching heart is my conduit to art,
I yearn for loss, for fear and anger and desire.
I can’t tell what’s real anymore,
if it’s two showers a day, folded sheets and graded papers.
Getting up and going to school everyday.
Or the girl before,
Aching and worn, but pressed up so sharply against art and beauty,
Taking it all in,
Moved and tumbled, humbled by voices and colours, words and images from men and women who strove to feel something.
To make me feel something.

Reviews

[SRMarx]

This imagery is so perfect for what you are trying to convey! I can relate feeling numb and struggling with needing to feel more. Thank you for sharing!

[chimetime]

I empathize with this very much. The numbness. People look like they feel something good or bad, and sometimes I can't swim or fly with them.

Giving critique, I can only suggest revision on two lines. They either gave me no impact or cluttered the mood with stale detail.

"but it's not enough" What is it?
"if it’s two showers a day, folded sheets and graded papers." Not sure why that is a bad thing