3

cup 1~ west nile virus

"Guard your mind at all cost"   (heard in my spirit, June '05)

 

This was an intense time for me, spiritually. When I moved to the little white house in Red Oak. That's when stuff started to really happen, one thing after the next, many dreams and visions, many warnings, many miracles. I was all on my own in a new place in a scary neighborhood, and all I had was God. I wasn't on great terms with my family and I avoided my neighbors, except for the one who killed the big fat snake in my yard, they were nice.

I heard this particular warning in my spirit and it was for real. It was major. And I got scared. I was like, ok, don't I always guard my mind?

Mark, the vitamin store manager, kept telling me about this one movie, saying that I really needed to see it. It was a psychological thriller and he said it would blow my mind. I kept turning him down, knowing deep down it wouldn't be good for me to see. One day he brought it to work, and one look at the cover confirmed my suspicions, that this was a movie I should most definitely NOT see. I made up some lame excuse, saying, "Mark as you know I live alone, so getting scared is not really in my best interest right now."

For some reason, he kept insisting I see it. One day I gave in. I admit it looked fascinating. I knew I wasn't "guarding my mind" at all, but I thought, it's just a movie, right? And I'm a big girl.

The night I watched it, all hell broke loose.

In my mind.

Not only that, but I distinctly recall getting bit by a mosquito, right in the middle of the movie, on my left leg. I had my back door open so my old dog could go in & out, and bugs were coming in. I remember swatting it and seeing blood. Don't laugh. Even if that wasn't "the" mosquito, it's all part of it.

 

You need to know how God is with me. It's not all roses and it's not a sweet walk in the park. He's hard on me sometimes because He always gives me warnings. For almost everything I do, I'm already clued in. I cannot get away with anything, and consequences are severe. He's blessed me in some amazing ways and I have a responsibility to share it, and I need to walk in it. I have to keep my life clean. It's not an option. And people laugh when I get up and leave the room if something trashy comes on tv, or cover my eyes or ears when evil junk is flashed on the tv. I cannot have those sounds and images in my head. It's not to be righteous. It's to protect my mind. I'm strong, but also pretty darn fragile. I hang in the balance.

The movie....

It messed with my head so bad that I was disturbed for weeks to come, crying in the day, not sleeping at night, terrified and questioning my sanity. Ask me what it was & I'll tell you if you want to know. I brought it back to Mark in tears, telling him how messed up it was, and he said how sorry he was, that he had no idea it would affect me like that. I said, "Mark you only know bits and pieces of my life, you don't know it all, and this movie cuts deep with me." He was really sorry and I was sort of mad at him.

I did not guard my mind. Not just with the movie, but other things as well, that are sure to bubble up to the surface as I write. But the movie was the kick-off. It sealed my fate.

Disobedience led to my brain getting infected. Are you spiritual at all? Do you understand me? That what I have to give on this earth is spiritual in nature? I'm impotent in so many areas of my life, but I have a lot to give in this area, so do you see how I would be attacked there? Do you see how my my mind is a prime target? My mind, that God ministers to and through with dreams and visions and words of knowledge. I have to keep it pure, if not for me, then for Him. I know there are others like me out there, I see them, I see their blogs. But I can't make connections, I don't want to come close. Too much. Earlier this year I met a young woman like me. In her early 20's, same type of gifts. But talking with her was almost too intense, I can't explain why. I think folks like us are designed to operate alone. Either that or I need to get used to the whole thing and run with it.

That's another thing a minister said to me, in '04:

"God says to you, I have given you a ministry and you need to RUN WITH IT!"

He also said for me not to be afraid of what God is doing with me and not to be afraid/ashamed of who I am.

I'm working on it.