9

And then there's the spiders!

 

(I'm just giving you a moment. Are you wondering what on earth can I possibly say about spiders? Am I starting to creep you out? Welcome to my world!)

 

This is just a little bit o'trivia for you, so you'll understand the very LAST spider.

 

About a year after I got married, we separated. During that separation, J. & I spoke. One night he knocked on my window, but I had already fallen asleep. I heard the knocking and woke up, but he was already gone by the time I came to my senses.

The next morning I went outside and looked at the window. I don't remember why, but I do remember this: overnight, a HUGE spider had spun a web, almost completely covering the window. I have no idea if it was there when J. was there, or if it got there afterwards, all I know is, it was big, and scary, and I KNEW it meant something. Was it friend or foe? I felt like it was a big visual "NO". It represented my protection. Don't laugh. I know signs when I see them.

Oh and just let me say, there was never any unfaithfulness in my marriage. For all of our troubles, there was nothing shady. I would never. Neither would Tommy. I don't know why I've been asked that over the years, "was there any unfaithfullness?" Why do people assume that? You know what? For all my experience as a girlfriend and a wife, not ONCE have I been unfaithful to anyone. It's a thing. I can't. Even if I had no morals, I would never be unloyal to someone. I am so happy to say that I do have good qualities that I wasn't dragged over the hot flaming coals of life in order to gain.

I guess I should mention, Tommy & J. never really got along. For obvious reasons. One moment I was engaged to J., next thing you know, I'm walking down the aisle with Tommy. I don't even know how it happened.

I really need to hire a manager for my life.

 

 

Then of course there's the nice little brown recluse spider who came to my rescue, paralyzing my dad's vocal chords and preventing me from ever being yelled at again by him.

 

Then there's the strange email, right out of the blue, from a friend. She was Leah's boyfriend's mom. Sweetest woman ever. She always sent random emails and forward things with cute or uplifting sayings. On the morning of June 15, '05 (as you can see, that date is permanently seared into my brain), J & I were emailing back & forth, and then...I got an email from my friend. It was called "God sends protection from unexpected things" or something like that. I took the time to read it. It was a true story about a man who was hiding in a cave from his enemies.

In the story, the man hides in the cave overnight. He thought for sure he would be discovered since the cave was known, and as it turns out, his enemies DID come to the cave in the middle of the night, but passed it on by, didn't even take the time to go in, because after the man went in, a big spider came along and spun a web that covered the entrance to the cave, making the enemies think there could be nobody in there, seeing as how there was a gigantic web there.

This friend sent this email on the VERY DAY that I was shown the warning. And I knew it was God's gentle reminder, to not get back with J. Again, we had no intentions on it, but you know how things are.

Spiders. Oh this is almost too much.

 

And folks wonder why I was such a nervous wreck at work. They had no idea. And I'm not even halfway done! And I can't even tell you everything.

 

God is so mysterious. He gives me a lot of detective work to do. And a foggy mind that can't process anything till I see it in my own writing. I think that's why He gives me all these signs and clues to piece together, so I'll be forced to share it all.

 

Poor J. Best boyfriend ever. The reason is simple why I wasn't supposed to talk with him, I'm assuming God knew it would lead to more and that wasn't in His will for either of us. But the warning dream, this turned out to be something else entirely. The reason why he was with me in the dream is not what I thought it was.

I guess I should mention a little bit more about that. During this same time, I had a brief vision about J., something about his life. But I knew not to say anything. Yet. Just hold it.

 

..ugh. now I'm starting to get confused.

 

 

My daughter went into shock several more times after this. She was prescribed an Epi-Pen and received a full and complete allergy work-up, which said that she was pretty much allergic to EVERYTHING. For the next few years I got really good at dialing 911 and also really good at the awkwardness of spending the night in a hospital room with my ex-husband. You'd think I'd be used to it, but it's a strange thing. I would tell you about how his snoring kept me awake so he ended up sleeping in the small bathtub, which I conveniently have photo documentation of, but that would not be right.

The last time we spent the night by our daughter's side in the hospital was not due to an allergic reaction, though. We slept on the cold hard floor of her room in the ER, sometimes waking and staring at each other, baffled as to what was taking place, looking up at our kid who laid in the bed, all the color drained from her face, having her system cleared out from her intentional overdose. September 18, 2006. She was 15 years old.

 

 

"Pharmacopea"

...is what I heard in my spirit during prayer, a few weeks earlier.

 

I had no idea what God was talking about. I had heard the word before and sort of knew what it meant, but it was just one more thing to learn about, and it had nothing to do with me personally, in my book.

I had recently arranged the vitamin cabinet in my kitchen, organizing all the herbal supplements according to use. It was my own little pharmacy. And the cabinet was FULL. I got lots of free stuff from my work, and my daughter & I used them daily.

 

During this time I was really struggling with all kinds of depression and anxiety. It seemed like it was one thing after the next. I complained to God that He kept showing me things, but at the same time, expecting me to carry on with the normal workings of my life, and it was all too much. I was burdened and I was starting to crack.

 

I started to rely heavily on my herb collection. I had all kinds of mood blends and happy pills. I started popping them like crazy.

 

I never noticed the connection. I never put two and two together. I never took the time to ask God why He kept putting that word, "Pharmacopea" on my mind. Perhaps I should have looked into it and prayed about it and ask Him, am I guilty of something here? But I didn't want to know. As if I have a right to tell God how much He can show me.

 

Looking back now, the connection is there. All the way back to when my daughter was 13. Each time she went into shock, and each time she was put on anti-depressants, I too was suffering from depression and taking lots of herbs. Abusing lots of herbs.

 

You are held accountable for what you know.

I am not taking a stand against anti-depressants. All I can say is, for me personally, there was a spiritual issue taking place, and the thing is, even as we speak, it's not fully over. It has been a battle.

 

 

 

 

Looking back on the night the measuring cup was given to me, I can actually laugh. I was such a nervous wreck. It was given to me by the most high-quality individual I think I have ever met. I think that's why I tried so hard to connect with said individual. I saw strength, and I wanted some. I think I wanted some of his. I'm laughing, as I type. I am pathetic.

It was a forced date. It wasn't even a date. It was my own desperate attempt to spend time with a sane individual. I tried to pass off as normal but of course the truth came out, by the end of the night my mind had already sprung several leaks and I made a mess all over his truck. And all I got out of it was a big fat measuring cup. Big enough to hold all of it.

I was going to leave it. That, or throw it at him. But instead I grabbed it. It was a souvenier for me. To remember the one evening, in a period of, let's say, YEARS, that I hung out with someone who represented (at least to me) some real goodness. Not fake. Not sappy, soft, nerdy man crap. (I detest overly-affectionate guys who sweet talk me.) No, here was a guy who was just as rude on the surface as me, yet underneath was a wealth of something that I just had to investigate. I think I scared the living daylights out of him. It's true, I WAS desperate. For someone to talk to. And in my mind, it was him, whether he agreed to that or not. Why negotiate? Seriously. I've lived long enough in this tripped out existence of mine to know what's worth thinking twice about, and what's already a done deal. I made up my mind that I was going to know this character. I didn't give him the choice.

 

I don't really have a valid reason for including this trivia in here, but it's just one more thing that took place during this time. You have to get the whole picture. And again, I've discovered, what's details to me sometimes turn out to be bigger than what I thought. So I just have to tell it all, and hope it all comes together in the end. I'm working on it.

How God expects me to be tactful and tasteful is beyond me. So far I don't think I've made anybody mad. I try not to. My ex-husband has made a few sarcastic references to my writings but I quickly change the subject. I don't want to know what all he's read. Because I don't want to talk about it. Why should I have to? I already did! Here! In blogs! See? It's fair.

 

Ok. I have to move on to the next cup now. This one is embarrassing. Very personal. But thank goodness, not creepy like the other ones.

Good old freaking measuring cup.

Maybe I should have thrown it at him.