12

As I drove down the highway, my heart began to pound again. I felt a sense of urgency and I had no idea why. I felt the need to hurry.

I never speed. It's hard for me to speed. But on this day, I started to fly down the highway. I needed to do this. I felt like it was a race against time, and there was no way I could have ever explained it. I had to do this. I had to write these visions out and I had to print them out. 10 copies, that's what God said. He even informed me as to who should get a copy. A few were folks I hadn't seen or spoken to in a while, and one of them didn't even know this side of me, so I'm sure when they got it, and read it, they were like, "what?"

 

So I make it out across town to use my sister's computer. Then I grabbed my keys to leave. She asked me why on earth am I leaving so soon? I just got here! And I said, "Val something is up, I shouldn't have even come out here tonight...I don't know, but I have to get home..."

I flew back down the highway, and once in my town, I did two things before going home: first thing I did was go by the post office and mail the things I printed. This was important, I knew that it was now, that if I waited, I wouldn't get it done. Then, I drove by my friend's house, who knew what I was doing, I had told her earlier that I was printing it out, and when I was done that I'd give her a copy. So I drove over there and she met me in the driveway. I gave her a copy and as we stood there and spoke, I got more and more nervous, and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I don't know, but I had to get home. She prayed for a minute for me, then looked at me and said, "Amy I just hear in my spirit,  "FEAR NOT."  I started to cry a little. My comforting friend. For real. So I got into my car to pull out, when her grandkids come running at me to tell me hello. I think those two gave me the only smile on my face all day. I just wanted to do something nice for them, something, anything. I couldn't come up with any funny or nice words, so I thought, maybe I have something cool I can give them. All I could find was a bookmark I had made a long time ago, with a hand-painted cross on it. I gave it to my friend's granddaughter. Then I looked for something for the boy but my options for that were severely limited. As cool as I am, I just don't always have the evidence to back it up. I told him that I was sorry, I just didn't have anything. That's when he said, "Oh! Wait Miss Amy! I have something for YOU!!" And he ran into the garage. A second later he returned with this plastic gold token, it hung on a purple ribbon to be worn around your neck. The token had praying hands on one side and a cross on the other. I took it and teared up and thanked him sincerely. Kids are amazing.

I told them bye and my friend reminded me to "FEAR NOT" once more as I pulled out of the driveway. I wrapped the token around my gearshift and it served as my reminder to trust in God, no matter what. It lived on my gearshift for a while, then when I came out to my mom's after my mental blowout, it hung from the switch on the floor lamp in my room. It's important. I don't take these things lightly. You know what? When a child gives you something, keep it. Because kids are sincere. They give from the heart.

 

I made it home, and ten minutes later Leah arrived. Her friends had dropped her off. She came and sat beside me on the couch. She looked at me. Her eyes were huge and round. She hugged me. And then she broke down crying. And then she began to panic. And then she started wailing, saying, "Mommy I did something...Mommy I did something bad...Mommy help me...."

 

 

 

My daughter decided to end her life that day.

When I left the apartment earlier, her friend only stayed a few minutes after that, then Leah was alone. She said that she was standing in the kitchen, and out of the blue, literally from out of nowhere, she felt the overwhelming urge to overdose. She says it was a like a dark, oppressive cloud that just came over her, it weighed her down and she said it was heavy and scary and all she could think about was taking her own life. She felt like she couldn't take one more breath, that it was time to go. She has tried to describe this feeling to me, and I sort of understand it, but not really.

She says she just opened up the cabinet and she started with the Tylenol, taking about 11 of them. Then she moved on to the Advil, about 8 of them. Then regular aspirin, and as if that were not enough, she also took several Benadryl and then a variety of supplements, just anything. And then her friends got there, so she left.

All of this came out later, the details of what was going through her mind and what all she took. But when she first told me that she had overdosed, she was panicking and frightened out of her mind. She was hugging me and begging me to help her, saying that she didn't want to die...

I have no knowledge of how to overdose, and I was so shocked by all of this, that it took me a few minutes to process the reality of it all. Instead of immediately calling 911, I called my friend and told her what was happening, and she said by all means call 911, this was bad.

I don't function well in these kinds of situations. For some reason I freeze up and I can't think. It took all I had to call for an ambulance that night. However I did have the presence of mind to give her a few charcoal capsules.

They came and took her away. My friend came and got me & drove me. (I literally cannot drive under stress, trust me, it won't work.) I called Leah's dad and told him what was happening, and he met us up there.

 

When the paramedics were at my apartment, there was a cop with them. And there were a few questions about drugs. I had to tell these guys, no, she's not on anything except a year's supply of Tylenol.

They took her to the ER where they started an IV that was going to flush her out. She was pale and her lips were blue and she was shaking. She began to vomit black and purple. This lasted all night long.

I stayed by her side and told her how much I love her. I stroked her hair and held her hand. But you know what? More than anything else, I was angry at her. But I had to keep that in. Now was definetely not the time.

She cried and kept telling me how sorry she was. How stupid she was. How scared she was. At one point she said, "Mommy am I going to die?"

As we spoke in the ER, I was able to ask her some things, and that's when I found out about the feeling that came over her in the kitchen. This was all coming together in my mind. It was dawning on me what had just happened. You'd think I would be relieved to know that this was something God saw a year earlier, but no, at this point in time, as I watched my daughter lay in that bed, I was terrified. Knowing what had attacked her.

How could this be possible? What did it mean? More importantly, was this all my fault? Had I been careless, was there something I could have done to prevent it?

God provided all of these answers and more, over the next several months, and just recently He has flooded the whole thing with so much light that it's all clear now. My mystery is plain as day.

 

 

 

After the night in the ER, she was put in ICU for about 6 hours until they deemed her ok enough to go to a regular room. There was a nurse who sat in the doorway the entire time, with her back to us, at a computer. She looked at Leah frequently. The door remained propped open the whole time. I found out that Leah was on suicide watch. I said, "Even with me here?" Yes. I also noticed the suspicious looks on their faces when they found out she was there because of an overdose. At one point I was called in to discuss everything with the head nurse of the children's ward, in fact she was more than a nurse, she wore regular clothes and had a nice office and she told me to sit down and tell her what was going on. Looking back, I think they were checking me out to make sure my daughter didn't live in a bad environment.

I told the woman all about Leah, how she is this and that, straight A's, lots of friends, has struggled with depression before but this was totally unrelated. There were no signs of trouble when this happened, it really was out of the blue. Of course when discussing all of this I always omit spiritual things, I would never even think to talk like that around medical people. They have their job and I have mine.

I am well-balanced enough to understand that this life on earth is not just compromised of the spiritual. When an event takes place, several elements are involved. That's how I described it to Leah. She was confused as to what happened to her, so a few months later I told her parts of what was shown to me, but not in a disturbing way. I wanted her to understand that this was a matter of spiritual warfare, HOWEVER, we can only be attacked in the areas where we are vulnerable. The spiritual side is just one side. My daughter was in need of some good wholesome teenage counseling, and she got it. We found a perfect counselor for her, they clicked immediately and Leah began a weekly thing with her. This was needed anyway, and she was finally ready. She was able to get some good guidance as she sorted through her past. I had tried before, but didn't get anywhere. You know, as parents, one of the best things we can do for our kids is know your limits. Don't play like you know it all. We don't have all the answers. And we do make mistakes. And there are other people out there~ teachers, friends, relatives~ there are others who have strengths where you are weak. I have learned to receive advice. I also had to learn how to let go.

 

 

Her system was flushed, but she remained pale and drained and totally out of it. It was not my kid. Her dad & I did all we could to comfort her, but at the same time, we were so taken aback by the whole thing, we were silent in there more than anything. There were long periods of time where all you could hear was the clock ticking.

My mom came up there and sat by Leah's side while Tommy got some lunch and I took a walk. I didn't want to eat. I just needed to walk around and think. I wandered until I found an empty waiting room. I sat. I stared into space. I closed my eyes. I cleared my head. I said a quiet prayer to myself.

And then I knew what I had to do.

I reached into my right pocket. There was a folded up piece of paper in there. It was one of the copies of the thing I printed out, the visions I needed to share. I thought to myself, this is war.

I took the paper, folded it up small, and tucked it in between two couch cushions. Littered.

I decided that I would not stop serving my God, no matter what. I decided that I would not be intimidated. I decided that nothing would stop His will for my life. I was going to do what I had to do. And I knew at that moment that I was taking a risk. My daughter lay hooked up to an IV and she was still pale and sick. I knew this was a battle. And I also knew that victory belongs to us, if we have Christ.

I left my mark, hidden away in the couch, for some unsuspecting soul to find some other day. And then I went back to Leah's room. I asked my mom to please go away for a minute. I called Tommy to make sure he wasn't coming back just yet. I waited till the nurses were done with their last round of checks on Leah.

And then, I did it. I went and stood beside my daughter, taking her limp hand in mine. I held on to it tight and I told her how much I loved her. Her eyes were closing, she was trying to drift off into sleep. I put my hand on her head. I said a silent prayer to myself. I said, "Please help. Please help us, God."

I heard Him say in my spirit, "Just say the word."

I knew what He meant. I had been avoiding this.

I was to pray specifically about the demonic force that He showed me in the dream. I did not want to do this. But He said, just say the word. So I took Him up on it.

I prayed in a low voice, both hands on Leah. She trembled underneath my hands. I lifted my kid up to God. I started off with the Lord's Prayer. Then I said, "Lord set her free. Please set her free." That's all that could come out of me. My strength was limited.

As soon as I finished, Tommy walked in. Leah opened her eyes, and bolted up. She sat up and the color returned to her face almost instantly. She looked at me and smiled and said, "oh Mommy I feel SO MUCH BETTER!!"

I took a step back and stared at her. Tommy said "Well hi there, Little Bit! What took you so long to join us again?"

Oh boy.

You know if I had a quarter for every miracle I have experienced on this planet I would be rich. Oh, wait, I already am rich. I got me some Jesus!

 

 

In the warning dream, the demon snuck into the car on Leah's side as we were heading north on I-35, right as we approached Oak Cliff.

On the day she overdosed, I left the apartment at 4:00 and headed north on I-35, that would put me near Oak Cliff right around 4:25~4:30.

Leah's friend left minutes after I did, and that's when she did her thing. That's when the darkness came over her, when she was alone. She took a few minutes to write goodbye letters to everyone, then went into the kitchen and did what she did. This would have been right around the same time I was approaching Oak Cliff on the highway. It all fits together.

 

In the dream, my old self, my old identity, a familiar spirit, old vices, you name it, I don't know what to call it....in the dream, it had been trying to lure me back. When I resisted, it began a full pursuit against me. The painting says it all. Other things too, other issues that I had been dealing with as well. But I'll tell more about all that later. I'm just trying to stick to the point for now.

 

But that's not all. In the dream, J. was with me in the car. Over the years, I've had many "car dreams", and my car represents my life. Sometimes I'll have a flat tire in a dream, or a broken rear-view mirror, or the locks don't work, etc. These things help show me what areas of my life are in need of attention. Sometimes I'll have a good car dream, such as the vision I had in '05~ I saw me downshift into second gear and accelerate, I heard the car motor rumble and I was gaining momentum, but as I did this, I saw a female demon appear above the gear shift, screaming. Angry. As usual, I overlooked the fact that there was a demon in my car, and just patted myself on the back, focusing on the fact that I was accelerating. How does God put up with me? Will He ever run out of patience with me?

 

So the fact that J. was with me in the dream simply represented the fact that he was "with me" in spirit, connected, at that point in time. I had just told him something, and he was on my mind. I prayed for him on a regular basis. The dream was a warning that when these elements all come together, Leah would be attacked. It was about timing. And it served me well.

If I had not seen the warning, I would not have handled the situation like I did. I was scared, but at the same time, I had peace. I knew that God was in control.

 

When we arrived home, we had to stall Leah while I ran in to confiscate these letters she told us about. We decided to get them and give them to her new counselor. Leah was not happy about this, but oh well. So Tommy kept her occupied outside while I went into her room and grabbed them. I came back out, smuggled them over to Tommy, then we stood on my patio while Leah got all situated inside.

It was a beautiful day. I remember that. As Tommy & I talked, I noticed something behind him. On the metal railing. It was big, brown, and hairy. And it moved! I realized that I was looking at .....A TARANTULA!!!! I screamed at the top of my lungs and grabbed Tommy, who said I almost gave him a heart attack, he was jumping around, saying, "What?? What??" I screamed and pointed, I couldn't get the words out. He looked at it and said, "It's just a tarantula, you want me to kill it?"

What kind of question was that? I said I don't care what you do with it, just make it go away! He knocked it down with a stick, and you'd think it would run away, but it didn't. We looked over the railing to the ground below, and there it was. In the grass. Still. And it was HUGE. I had not seen a real live tarantula in years.

Tommy said it would go away, so he didn't finish it off. After saying goodbye to Leah, he left. I looked over the railing once more. Still there. In the same spot.

A while later, Leah & I left to pick up her prescription, and when we returned, it was STILL THERE. In the same spot. Freaking creepy spider. My furry sign from God that this in fact was real, that I was not imagining things. My warning had come to pass.

 

I thanked God for my sign and grabbed a brick and finished him off.

Two days later, as I was backing out of the driveway, I saw something underneath my car. I got out to see what it was. It was him. The spider. Dead, legs all neatly folded up like a crab. Under my car. Out of all the cars to end up under, it chose mine.

I really didn't want to kill it. I knew it meant no harm. But I did it for myself. When I dropped the brick on it, I heard in my spirit,

"It is finished."

 

 

...how bout THEM cookies?

You like my cookies??

 

but wait! there's more!

 

 

While Leah was in the hospital, I layed down on this bench thing that was in the room and closed my eyes. She was going home now, all was well. We were waiting on them to come unhook her from everything.

As I layed there, I had this vision: I saw myself at the top of a hill. I held a piece of fruit in my hand. I rolled the fruit down the hill, like you would roll a bowling ball. It went down, all the way down, but just as it was about to hit the very bottom, the valley, it lept over it~ it just sort of skipped over the lowest part, the place where you'd think it would get stuck. But it kept going, and began to roll, all on it's own, up the next hill. On it's own momentum. Defying gravity. It rolled up and up and to the top of the next hill, where there was a line of trees. The fruit rolled through the treeline and out of my view.

 

When I saw this I knew, she would be just fine. That God was taking care of her, and giving her strength. But I also knew, she would be leaving me once more.

But you know what? I have total peace. I know she is safe and sound with her dad, who loves her more than words can express. He told me today that he was listening to Bob Seger's "Like a Rock", and it brought back memories of him holding Leah up above his head, like he did when she was little. He said that he understands that song now, more than ever.

Thank God for Daddies. What would the world be like without them?

 

 

The day after we returned home, I was laying on the couch again, trying to get some much needed rest. My eyes were closed, and there was another vision. Wait, first I have to say, I had been crying about everything. Crying about Leah. Knowing she was growing up and away.

And then I saw it: Two visions, one right after the next. I was shown that I have two more children.

First I saw a teenage girl. She looked identical to me, but with dark hair. She looked at me with such intensity and curiosity I could feel it in my bones. She had on a sleeveless red sweater, so I saw her arms. They were my arms. She appeared to be in another place. I knew instantly that this was the child from 1988.

A girl.

I was amazed. But that one is too much to comprehend.

 

The second one was puzzling to me. I saw a teenage boy, but he was most definitely NOT in another place, he was right here, with me. He had my color hair, sort of wavy, and he had a smile on his face, as if he were laughing at me. I sensed laughter and I wanted to laugh with him! He was dressed all casual and stood with his hands in his pockets. God showed me that this was my son.

???

 

For months after this one, I naturallly assumed that I would have a step-kid or something. That may be the case, but this kid was not a step-kid. This was a mystery to me, seeing as how I had my tubes tied a year after Leah was born. And I never had any intentions of undoing them.

 

There's more. Over the years I've had many "baby" dreams, and it's always a boy that I'm holding.

I just assumed that this was symbolic for "new life" or something. (wrong!)

Then, in '05, a minister said to me, "God says to you Amy, that He wants to bring you to a place in life, where He can birth new life inside of you."

I took this to mean, healing and what-not. (wrong!)

 

Then, about a month ago, I had a vision of a baby boy, (cute! and blonde!) in a carrier on my mom's dining room table.

I assumed it was one of my sister's twins. (wrong!)

 

Then, the month following my ozone therapy, I started noticing some physical changes in me, things I haven't experienced since before I had my tubal.

I assumed my body was adjusting to getting all better & what-not. (so very very wrong!!)

 

Then, a few weeks ago, God straight-up pulled me out of bed and had me pray, that He had something to tell me.

 

I wrote it all down, word-for-word. I can't post it here, it's too precious.

 

But boy howdy, is He ever going to bless me!

 

God is the God of all comforts. He heals and restores! He really does!

...do you know how hard it is to keep all of this to myself? What am I supposed to do with it all???

 

 

Something I forgot to mention about the ozone therapy: right before they did it, I got sort of nervous and went to the bathroom. It's a thing that goes back to getting shots at the doctor's office as a child. I always found a way to buy more time by telling them I had to use the bathroom. To this day, it's an automatic physical reaction: enter doctor's office, need to pee. It's a real phenomenon and it remains with me to this very day. I even did it yesterday at the hospital when they were about to put an iv in my sister's hand. One look at the needle and I was heading to the potty.

Anyway. They were waiting for me, the ozone folks, but I said wait, I need to go. But the truth is, for once in my life, I didn't go. What I did instead, when I got into the bathroom, I needed to pray. It just came over me, and I found myself asking God to bless this treatment according to His will, that He will bless my body however He chooses with it.

 

 

Like a criminal who's handed 4 convictions, that's what I was. And I got to serve my time in style, with every luxury I could possibly want: no arms or legs,(no car, no money, no way to do anything but sit and write), somebody else worried about the money, and the ability to finally, once and for all, share the things that were inside me.

I am not a lazy slacker. I would not have survived mentally if I would have kept going like I was. And it's all about to crank back up again, my car is on the verge of being fixed, or at least legal to drive. And on that very day, and not a day later, I am saying goodbye to this computer AND I MEAN IT.

 

Are you bored yet? Or is this good stuff? I always wonder. I would love to know what people think about this wacked-out life of mine. But for some reason I can't talk about it in real life, so I never know. In fact most people have no idea what really goes on in my head, you know, casual acquaintences. But I have a feeling that's going to change, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't hide forever. I have to be a big girl and move forward.

Years ago I was told that God was "preparing me for the ministry". I was baffled at this, how? Me? As if I would EVER go to Bible college. You couldn't pay me a million bucks to sit and hear somebody else's instructions on how to serve God. He plucked me up when I was 17 and has taught me everything on His own, so it's very hard for me to trust people. This is why I have a hard time with church. But that's also on my list of things I need to change. But what would be even better than a formal church membership: being a part of a Bible study group. Home-grown. I see food. I see people and laughter. I see kids. And most importantly: I see my chocolate chip cookies. Yes. Mark my words. One day, I am going to be an active part of a Bible study group, and I am going to make my cookies every time, and I will get to hear it the rest of my life, how good they are. Living proof that I can cook.

That's exactly how I see myself  "ministering". I know I need to start interacting with other people more, especially Christians. I already know what the very highest calling of my life is. Spiritually speaking, it's not dreams or visions or words from God. You know what the most noble and selfless and important thing any human being can do for God is? Prayer. Intercessory prayer. That's it.

Prayer for other people, in my mind, is the highest endeavor and I think it's the most powerful thing a person is able to do. I am moving through and past all of this stuff, learning, and looking to the future of my life. I am only 38. So that makes me realize, there must be new and higher mountains to climb. I told God that I wanted to start focusing more and more on prayer. It's simple. It's free. You can do it from the comfort and safety of your home. And! Get this! It might keep you out of all kinds of trouble. I, for one, plan on avoiding more trouble.

 

 

Wait, there's more.

 

 

Oh I forgot to tell you about the 4th cup, my little nervous system failure. I deserved every bit of it. It happened as a result of my not spending enough time in prayer. He offered it to me. He warned me repeatedly that He had a lot to show me. He asked me to come into prayer over and over again. So it makes perfect sense that I would be allowed to crack up a little.

By the time I crash-landed at my mom's, I was a real mess. Swollen head, seizures, limping, dizziness and confusion, general stupidity, and last but not least, an emotional basket case. I cried when the wind blew. I cried when people talked to me. I cried when the cat looked at me.

All of this was one big blurry confusing mess. My head was filled with fog. How do I handle everything I went through, and now this~ a mental crisis. I am thankful for the timely seizure medication, it worked, and after 6 weeks on it, they never returned. The MRI's showed a small mass in my brain, which remains a mystery. They say it's not a tumor. They say it's not MS. They said it could be demylenating from the west nile, that viral brain infections can do the same thing MS does. They also say it could be scarring from the seizures. And then you have the doctors (including the very first neurologist that I saw) that insisted it looked like an old head injury. I said no, the only time I ever hit my head was in 1987, but I had a helmet on. But it's funny that the scarring (or whatever it is) is right were I hit my head. They asked me about it and I just went blank. How do you tell doctors that a helmet was put on your head just moments before you were sent crashing into the corner of a table? So I didn't. I chose not to. I just said yes, I have hit my head before, but I was wearing a helmet.

Who knows?

 

 

Now I have to tell you about the lizards and the snake.

 

 

When I told my little sister this, she said, "Man Amy you just don't get a break, do you?" No! I don't! That's what I've been trying to say all this time!

This is what I dreamed about two weeks ago:

I saw two pet lizards inside an aquarium, it was done up all cool, with rocks for them to climb on and plants and everything. One was light green and the other was striped, red and yellow I think it was.

I looked at these lizards and I knew the green one was me. Then, I placed a small black viper in there with them, knowing full well it would not be a good idea. Sort of like when I had a small aquarium a few years ago, had some Mollies. Then I got bored and wanted to see if Leah's Betta would get along with them. I had heard that Bettas can be mean, but the Mollies were bigger, so anyway, I tried it. Nothing happened at first, the Betta just sort of lurked in the bottom corner, so I was like, see? They do know how to get along with other fish!

I left the room for a little while, then came back, and the Betta was in this bizarre dominance thing with a Mollie. It just sort of hovered above it, looking down on it, like it had the other fish in some kind of trance. It was mentally controlling it. I am telling you, it was the weirdest thing I had ever seen happen in an aquarium. The Mollie was terrified. It didn't move. It was frozen with fear and they just hovered there, and as I watched this scene, I thought, maybe I should help the Mollie out. As soon as I took a step back to get the net, all hell broke loose, and next thing you know, the Betta is biting at the fins of not just that Mollie, but the others as well, it was darting all over the place and biting the other fish in a mad murderous aquatic frenzy.

I... I knew this was my fault. By the time I got the Betta out of there, a few Mollies had significant fin-damage. One of the fish I had to flush. He got bit on the back.

 

Just so you know about my little problem with getting bored and experimenting. It's a thing. Anyway, in this dream, the two lizards were just fine, that is until I tossed in the black venemous snake. It did the exact same thing the Betta did at first. It just sat there, all coiled up, and watched the lizards. I knew this was a bad snake when I put it in. In fact I have no idea why I put it in there. Although it was small (small enough to fit in the palm of your hand), it was deadly, and I knew it.

And whattya know, a few moments later, and it happened. The viper attacked the green lizard. It snuck up and sunk it's fangs into the lizard's back, and I watched in horror as the poor lizard cried out in total anguish, lifting it's head up and opening it's mouth and I knew it was in pain. This took place as the other lizard watched. I knew if I tried to do anything, I and the other lizard would get bit. Like what happened when I tried to reach in and fix the fish problem. Sometimes you are stuck. There was nothing I could do but watch this painful thing happen to the lizard.

Upon waking, I had a brief vision, I saw the old snake puzzle, it was blue and green and stretched out, waiting to be solved. I heard the words "Snake Puzzle."

 

So I sat up and cleared the fog from my head and looked up into space and without even thinking twice, said, "Ok God, I'm on it."

I am slowly but surely getting good at this. Less time pondering, more time thinking things through, for real. I've discovered there's a real difference.

 

 

All day long those lizards and that snake were on my mind. I prayed about it. But I still didn't get it.

Val & the boys went somewhere, leaving me here, all alone with my symbolic reptiles. I ate. I myspaced. I prayed. I layed in the sun on the trampoline. Then I came back inside and sat down and thought long and hard about it. I said, "God I can not figure this out."

Just as I said that, I noticed a book on the end table. It's called The Bible in Pictures For Little Eyes. Used to be Leah's. Now it was being read to these kids. And now, apparently, it was for my little eyes.

I picked it up. The pages are filled with colorful illustrations. I like it. In fact I think I'm going to read the whole thing. After my new anger management book that is. (about that, I should probably start a whole new page just for that book. We can all read it together. I will read, then report and offer my insight. In fact that's a really good idea, why should I have to learn all that alone?)

So I sat there and flipped through it. Then I got bored with it & put it back down, got up and walked away, that is until I heard in my spirit that He had something to show me in there.

I went over and picked it up again and just opened it up to a random page. Wait, let me go get it. Ok. Page 58 is the one I just so happened to open up to. And lo and behold, I saw a picture of these miserable Israelites, they were all getting bit by these poisonous snakes.

I was like, "what?"  For some reason I don't remember anything about this.

Here I'll just tell you what the page says.

 

Can you see all the snakes in this picture? Do you know why they are biting the people? It is because the people have been bad again. So God has sent these fiery snakes to bite the people, and many of them are dying. These people came to Moses. They said, "We have been bad. Please ask God to take away the snakes."

It then goes on to say how Moses helped them out.

 

So I looked it up in my Big Girl Bible. Turns out, God sent the snakes because the people were complaining. They had been wandering for years and they started to doubt everything and forget all of God's blessings and promises.

I prayed and God said, "Do not complain against Me."

 

But that wasn't all. There was more to this puzzle. There had to be, since this was a simple enough answer. That wasn't even a puzzle.

Well I guess it was, come to think of it, seeing as how God had to use a children's book just to get me clued in.

 

 

The very next day, I dreamed this:

I was walking through a long dark tunnel, but I knew I was at the end. Light was coming in, so I was able to see some of the hurdles and obstacles. As I turned the corner, almost at the exit, I saw a child running ahead of me.

This child was not afraid. He ran to and fro, looking under things, searching, exploring. He was curious and joyful. As he looked around, he looked under things, and I didn't know what he was searching for. He came to a rock and lifted it up, and when he did, a huge demon flew out from under it. I saw the face, it was the usual~ big, red, scary, angry. It flew out and up and over us, it was scary, but as soon as the boy saw it he ran and pushed a big red button. I think it was a panic button, or a stop button. Whatever it was, as soon as he pushed it, the demon disappeared.

I watched this and realized, all of this was like a game. The hurdles, the obstacles, the hide & seek and now the button. I realized that this child wanted to play and he was not afraid. When he pushed the button, the presence of God filled the place, and more light came in. The boy was eager for more, but when I realized there were demons to be found, I started to back track. As God spoke with the boy, I quietly started to turn around and go back down the tunnel, hoping I wouldn't be noticed. I was walking up a slight incline, back into the dark, when I heard the voice of God:

"...And I will not let the little one on the stairs go, until she finds one of her own."

 

I stopped in my tracks. He saw me sneaking off. I was busted. I most definitely did not want to play this game.

But since it was God talking, I decided to turn around and finish my course. As I walked toward the lighted exit, I knew I was about to find a demon, and it was really scary. That's when I woke up.

 

Oh, one more thing. The shape of the tunnel had the same bends and turns in it as the stretched out snake puzzle.

I realized, I was inside.

 

 

"...the little one on the stairs..."

 

The problem with that was, there were no stairs. I was on a ramp.

And then God brought to my mind a recent myspace page I did, the one with all my grandfather's letters on it. The background image I chose is one of my favorite paintings. It's a big snake, sliding down the stairs, in a mysterious house. Wait! I just realized....red doors!

Like in my bathroom dream!

 

Oh my...

Well about the picture, there is a big fat snake on the stairs. I was like, "What are You trying to say here, God?"

 

 Another day passed. I was troubled. Really troubled. I prayed. I cried. I could not solve this snake puzzle for the life of me. And now I was really starting to get creeped out.

 

See I was afraid to get the answer to the puzzle because of the whole demon thing. He said I couldn't go (this time come to a complete end) until I found one of my own, or on my own, I'm not sure which. I don't want to find any more demons.

But finally I broke down and I was like, Ok! Just tell me! Fine! Show me! I'm looking for one!

I was really scared. This is not the kind of prayer I like. God said, "get up and go look in the mirror."

 

I stayed put. I thought maybe I misheard Him.

He said it again.

So I did. I got up, trembling and afraid, and went into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, all prepared to see a huge floating glowing red demon behind me, or in the bathroom somewhere, or in the sink....

And I waited. I didn't see anything but me.

I said, "Ok God, I'm here, what are you going to show me?"

He said, "What do you see?"

And I said,

"All I see is myself!"

 

 

 

...and there you have it.

 

 

At first I was like, "God are You saying that I am a DEMON????"

 

For real. I have no idea why it takes me so long to figure things out.

As it turns out, SELF is the root problem. It all goes back to this. All of my troubles. All of my sins. All of the weaknesses. All of it.

The identity crisis I always had is a result of basing identity on SELF rather than who I am in Christ. When we receive Him, we are filled with new life, and our old self dies. Unless you are like me and don't allow it to die. I kept reviving mine. Giving it CPR. Giving it pep talks.

The vanity and pride are also symptoms that come from glorifying the SELF. Come to think of it, that's the whole reason that Satan got kicked out of heaven in the first place. He went from beautiful angel to belly-sliding snake almost overnight. Oh! Snake! There's another one!

Wait...

(ok I am done liking snakes now.)

 

Anyway. About SELF. Putting myself before God's will is what has caused me all this trouble in life. I might as well have opened my front door wide and yelled out to all the trouble in the world and invited it in. In fact that's just what I did.

All 4 cups of trouble were a direct result of putting myself first.

He told me to guard my mind, I disobeyed. He told me not to abuse His herbs, I disobeyed. He told me to not go back to my old idol of art, I disobeyed. He told me to come to Him and spend more time in prayer, I disobeyed.

I chose to put my SELF first. I filled my own measuring cup right on up. The gloss came right up perfectly to the line, 4 cups. And I poured it out, all by myself.

 

I remember a vision I had, shortly after the whole hospital thing with Leah. I saw a yellow triangle, and it said "Yield" on it, like the yield signs. It flipped around and around, like it didn't know which way to go.

God said, "Which way does it go?"

I answered Him and said, "A yield sign is down."

 

I knew this had meaning. Instead of praying, I assumed He meant, a yield sign was down, as in, down on the ground, removed from it's place. Like you can now proceed. You don't have to yield anymore.

I was all happy, thinking all kinds of warnings had been removed from my life.

 

As it turns out, He was saying, it was down, as in, needed to be put back up.

If I would have prayed about it, I would have been shown this. I have a problem with assuming things. I think I have gotten so good and understanding things. As it turns out, I need God each and every day of my life. 38 years of this life and I am just now getting it.

 

 

Before I wrap this up, I want to tell you one last thing.

 

Just a few days before Leah's hospital ordeal, I was laying in bed, eyes closed, just thinking about nothing at all, when lo and behold, out of the blue, a vision of Jesus! He was sort of in a serious mood.

I've seen Him before when He is laughing, I've seen Him hugging me and restoring my heart. But this time was different. He rode up to me on a horse! For real!

The horse did it's thing, where it shifts hooves & acts all ancy, snorting, ready to run off. Jesus looked at me and told me all kinds of things about my life, blessings and trials and miracles and difficulties of the past, present and future, it was just this amazing download of information that went straight to my soul, I couldn't tell you what all was said if I tried. After He showed me all of this, I cried and said, "Jesus I love you and I will follow You wherever You lead."

He said,

"Are you prepared to follow Me at any cost?"

I told Him yes.

That's all He said. No! Wait! He said one more thing to me before He turned and took off on the horse!

He said,

"I bring you love."

 

 

And that was it. He took off.

???

 

Oh and one more thing.

You know in the hospital when I littered that copy of the visions? As it turns out, I was being tested.

I think I passed.

 

(For now.)