Night

A haiku about night. This is probably one of my favorites.

Indigo rising

Filled with forgotten wisdom

Glittering with stars

Author's Note

This is the first piece i could restore from memory after the Big Writer's Cafe F-Up. Most of my stuff that wasn't on file is looong gone.

Reviews

[Adamdust]

HI zephyr. welcome to the cafe. i read about your fantasy contest and lo! i found you write haiku: something i've been doing for ten years.
my review is huge, but don't get me wrong. i'm not spanking you, or giving you some slap on the wrist. I don't think what you wrote is bad or wrong, in fact, it's rather nice. the only reason why i write such a review is because what you wrote isn't haiku. It'll be much better if you reclassify the poem as short verse. i'll explain why though.

I can see why you wrote what you wrote, i don't blame you. The idea that a haiku is 5-7-5 gets a lot of poets thinking that this is the definite standard for producing a haiku. it's more complex than that. so long as the 5-7-5 myth prevails, poets will fill those syllable slots with whatever they feel like regarldless of fulfilling the haiku moment.

what is haiku:
haiku is more of perception of the world than it is a flowery poetic verse. it often deals with imagery of nature, or human nature, or a synthesis of both.
haiku deals in simple terms, about simple moments that have simple details.
it stresses nouns and shuns adjectives when possible, it often utilizes only one instance of punctuation. It shuns metaphor, simile and anything vague or abstract. it attempts to capture things in a way so as to recreate the moment in the mind of the reader as if to suggest that the haiku doesn't need to exist - if you see the moment in your mind and feel it's profound weight, or if you find an alarming coincidence you never thsaw before, or something is revealed about nature that is humorous, profound or is somehow still complex in its simplistic delivery - then you've done a good haiku. haiku is often called that "aha moment" or a "haiku moment" - it's when you see something simple, something nature, something revealing and you get a spontaneous zen! and then you write it down and every other excited dude in the village comes running to read it and then they see what you saw through their reading of it because it was written very simplistically.

the reason why this haiku is not a haiku:
there is no way ot perceive this moment. it's poetically subjective. it has a lot to do with the second line. lines 1 and 3 come a lot closer to getting on the right track.
the reason why line 2 doesn't work is because there is no way to say without a doubt what "forgotten wisdom" is. is forgotten wisdom literally something that "fills"? what does it fill? and how are these things not abstract, or vague.
Wisdom itself is a vague notion because it cannot be universally corroborated or assimilated as a communal experience. we all expereince different experiences and thus attain differing wisdoms. therefore, the reader of a haiku will find that they have no idea what you are talking about because they have an opposing frame of referrence.

then again, line one "indigo rises" - i know what you mean. you mean sky. or some change in the hue of the sky as it turns into night. but the idea behind haiku is that the reader doesn't have a chance to analyze these things and put pieces together. the haiku is a micropackaged experience. each word is chosen specifically for literal interpretation.

line 3, poetic. haiku isn't poetic like most western poetry. we tend to prettify things with flowing overkill adjectives and fancy schmancy outdated word phrasings because we think it makes something elegant. haiki is not an iron filigreed fence, its a simple wood fence.

it sounds liek your haiku wants to convey the following:

the starlight
of an early evening -
(--------------------)

but that third line (i chose it to be third) is a problem because wisdom isn't something you itemize, haiku itself is a wisdom. we want that third line to somehow open up the haiku solely because it is juxtaposed to the first two and it is done in a way to show something or reveal something about nature.

what the heck is forgotten wisdom (i'm trying to think this out). if someone has to think something out in haiku. then something isn't right: either the haiku needs work, or the reader is unfamiliar with the images.

you're probably wondering about that 5-7-5 thing. i'll explain it:
Japanese language constructs haiku by a sound limitation, but there construction also consistts of blank sounds that fill a small space. the only thing we have in english like that at all is punctuation, so in order to stress a 'pause' in the haiku reading event is the dash (sometimes the colon or semi-colon). Comparatively, it takes english speakers to approximate the same simplistically conveyed imagery as the japanese do in their 17 syllables with 12-14 syllables.

5-7-5 is still ok, but it should never be primary (only in my opinion)
the reason i encourage beginners in haiku to not conform to this rule:
your haiku is in english, not japanese
by doing 5-7-5, you run the risk of having produced a fine image that is complete and ready to go, except there is extra syllable space left over, so the poet fills it superfluously, thus defeating the nature of haiku with unnecessary words.

well, this is a start. i wrote 140 in my first 6 months on finding out about it. only to later learn in my time on the shiki internet forum that they were all not haiku. Needless to say i was a bit bummed. i'd wished someone told me before i made 140 of them.

this being said. if you're interested in more information, and good examples of good haiku, i formed a group called the frog pond. i found reputable online articles that deal with haiku and many of the issues i talked about above, i hope you find the interest in pursuing haiku.

cheers, my friend.

[Salvatore Buttaci]

Congratulations on winning the haiku contest!

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

Great Haiku! Congrats on your win.

[Kevin Vorshak]

I am not sure what the heck Adamdust is trying to say. Even if not haiku, it is definitely senryu and a well written one as well, whatever you call it. I think there may be too much thinking involved in this one. Personally, while I've not read any of your other writing, I found this to be engrossing and a thought provoking piece. I can see why it is a favorite of yours.

[A. L. Robinson]

This is just beautiful.
I love haikus, and this one is no exception.

Wonderfully written!
Great use of imagery!

[James K. Blaylock]

Awesome!

jkb

[Candle in the wind]

This is brilliant and so evocative it paints a picture.

I like this haiku. Its very calming and simple with a powerful impact.

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

I really like this haiku. I like the color theme , indigo ...rising .. like this cosmic sounding haiku.. so glad you remembered .. i lost lots of writing also .. learned a lesson the hard way.. save writings! lol .. was a fiasco ..

Chloe
xoxo

[Brenda Sue]

Very well written. Beautifully penned. Great job.

[Melanie Jane Boicourt S..]

I like this one. Good luck in the contest!
Love All,Mejasha