JASMINE FLOWERS

JASMINE FLOWERS

A Story by Prateeksha Khot
"

All her life she lived her life for others until she decided to live for herself............

"

* PLEASE CLICK ON THE COVER TO READ IT *








© 2010 Prateeksha Khot



Author's Note

Prateeksha Khot
This was is for the BE CREATIVE CONTEST. If there are any suggestions please let me know. I would like to improve upon this draft.



30 April, 2010 : I have made some changes in the story. Hope it is better than the earlier version.

My Review

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Featured Review

A moving piece addressing many issues. I intend these remarks constructively; there's a proof reading error in the 5th paragraph where you write "Dead,[his] beloved husband" which can be easily missed because you were writing about him. Try to cut down on your use of starting sentances with She where you can, as this breaks up the flow which is unfortunate because there's alot of colourful descprition here. An example would be changing "She looked into the mirror at her reflection" at the start of paragraph 8 to something like, 'Looking in the mirror, she noticed her reflection' which could lead to more description. Perhaps you could describe the lady in the church in more detail and the jasmine flowers, their aroma. Just add a bit more description, in my opinion. You also make some poignant descriptions such as in the 7th paragraph you write "Without him, she was just a body without a soul." This is very emotive and your phrase "Her sister-in-law looked down with downcast eyes" shows her remorse. I'm being a bit picky, so please forgive me, I'd alter this slightly to 'Her sister-in-law looked with downcast eyes', there's no need to write "looked down". I hope this helps a little and adds to the flavour of this piece.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

wow!this was creative and moving, a truly great story:)You are very talented.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I read this last night and it wouldn't let the review go in.
I like this so much .. we all need our own lives even when we
are depended on by many.. this is a great story!

Peace
Chloe

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Probably your best work so far

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

its good

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is really good. I myself am a Indian, but im from a modern family where a widow will not, CAN not be treated like that. Yet I live in America and i realize life in India has been like this for a while. Its improving. Slowly but surely...if only it was improving faster...

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

moving and beautiful, amazing, keep writing and i hope you won the contest

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Beautifully Written! Congrats on your first place win.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is so beuatiful and moving.
I really enjoyed this story.
It's very well written

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

A moving piece addressing many issues. I intend these remarks constructively; there's a proof reading error in the 5th paragraph where you write "Dead,[his] beloved husband" which can be easily missed because you were writing about him. Try to cut down on your use of starting sentances with She where you can, as this breaks up the flow which is unfortunate because there's alot of colourful descprition here. An example would be changing "She looked into the mirror at her reflection" at the start of paragraph 8 to something like, 'Looking in the mirror, she noticed her reflection' which could lead to more description. Perhaps you could describe the lady in the church in more detail and the jasmine flowers, their aroma. Just add a bit more description, in my opinion. You also make some poignant descriptions such as in the 7th paragraph you write "Without him, she was just a body without a soul." This is very emotive and your phrase "Her sister-in-law looked down with downcast eyes" shows her remorse. I'm being a bit picky, so please forgive me, I'd alter this slightly to 'Her sister-in-law looked with downcast eyes', there's no need to write "looked down". I hope this helps a little and adds to the flavour of this piece.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

that was really great. beautiful and engrossing story

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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1578 Views
12 Reviews
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Shelved in 3 Libraries
Added on April 21, 2010
Last Updated on April 30, 2010
Tags: jasmine, flowers, widow, india, love, old age, bald, hair, cross, religious, school, teacher, marriage, relatives, remorse, killed, death, torture, torment, ill treatment, white, church, clothing, lady, kind, god, kids, alone
Previous Versions

Author

Prateeksha Khot
Prateeksha Khot

Mumbai, Maharashtra, India



About
A happy-go-lucky rebel, i like doing things my way : that is the different way. I am creative and like trying out new stuff : There's hardly anything in which I am not interested. Plus point ? : I HAV.. more..

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