A Shallow Minded Creature

A Shallow Minded Creature

A Poem by Phoebe Taylor
"

A battle against one's self.

"
Every day gets harder, is there any point of staying? 
Should I fall down to my knees and keep on praying?
I don't know what to do, my life's a great stinking mess.
I want to erase my memory, forget it all, as I smile less and less.
I can't release the past or present, will I ever have a future?
To be honest I'm not sure if I want to find out,
I'm scared and alone please just help me out.

I can't bare this on my own much longer,
I'm becoming weaker not stronger.
Nothing is right, it's all just getting worse,
I'm starting to wonder if I'm the devils curse...

I cry myself to sleep each night,
I'm struggling immensely to continue battling this fight.
I cannot seem to get ahead so I might as well leave,
Discover a new world and set myself free. 

Am I being too hard on myself?
I think not,
I don't exactly care about myself a lot.

Everyday becoming tougher,
I'm loosing all belief,
Maybe I should stop,
Give myself relief.

There's only one thing holding me back,
Of course that's you,
You're just so perfect,
Too good to be true.

However I am trapped, 
Not knowing what to do.
As I could not possibly live without you.

But I'm still fed up,
I've had enough,
Everyday is daunting,
I know it'll be rough.

Do I want to live?
Or do I want to die?
Stay to endure the pain,
Or never feel again...
I can't believe I became such a shallow minded creature.   


© 2017 Phoebe Taylor



Author's Note

Phoebe Taylor
Please feel free to provide honest feedback.

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Let me start with the obvious: This is awesome. Well-writ, well structured, good imagery and some very juicy lines here and there (especially the straggler at the end - well done there). There only factor in which it falls flat is musicality. The musicality is virtually flawless from "Am I being too hard on myself" onward (except for "Give myself relief", which wouldn't hurt to add a "some" in there for the musicality to flow better). The stanzas that come before that section have a bit of issue with the musicality (and musicality plays a very important role in poetry - it's what really gives it its breath and vigour). I love the structure of the poem, it's fantastic how you change form as the poem progresses, but the musicality has to adapt to it, and like I said above, once "Am I being too hard on myself" comes along the musicality essentially is flawless.....beforehand it doesn't really dance as fluidly, and there are some expressions that I'm not sure are grammatically correct ("no point of staying" instead of "in staying"; "fall down to my knees" instead of "on my knees".......probably just New Zealandisms, but it definitely raised my eyebrows). So apart from some musicality issues and possible grammatical ones, too, this is overall fantastic! You might want to consider adding more power to the factor that the "love interest" is the one holder her back, for that stanza seems a little "throwaway", if you ask me.....the kind of factor that you could cut out entirely, for it's not particularly important (this "you" preventer is only mentioned twice and only towards the end. And despite its nod to the title by having a shallow presence in the poem, I'm not sure it's the type of detail that would need a shallow presence. Play with it a little before you decide, see what happens, but really the main issue is the musicality in the first part of the poem. Otherwise it's very well-writ! Well done!

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

' I can't believe I became such a shallow minded creature. '....

Perhaps if you read your own words very, very slowly - and aloud, you'll see how brilliantly you've laid them. Added to that, emotional honesty. From those very words, you might realise that anyone who can write like that - truths and more, makes you anything but shallow minded. Like so many of us, you've just lost the way.

Suggest a new map, a good day and a determined smile. Failing that message me for a natter!


Posted 2 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Phoebe Taylor

1 Week Ago

That is so kind of you! Thank you very much.
emmajoy

1 Week Ago

Tis true.. go think and act and SMILE, please.
Let me start with the obvious: This is awesome. Well-writ, well structured, good imagery and some very juicy lines here and there (especially the straggler at the end - well done there). There only factor in which it falls flat is musicality. The musicality is virtually flawless from "Am I being too hard on myself" onward (except for "Give myself relief", which wouldn't hurt to add a "some" in there for the musicality to flow better). The stanzas that come before that section have a bit of issue with the musicality (and musicality plays a very important role in poetry - it's what really gives it its breath and vigour). I love the structure of the poem, it's fantastic how you change form as the poem progresses, but the musicality has to adapt to it, and like I said above, once "Am I being too hard on myself" comes along the musicality essentially is flawless.....beforehand it doesn't really dance as fluidly, and there are some expressions that I'm not sure are grammatically correct ("no point of staying" instead of "in staying"; "fall down to my knees" instead of "on my knees".......probably just New Zealandisms, but it definitely raised my eyebrows). So apart from some musicality issues and possible grammatical ones, too, this is overall fantastic! You might want to consider adding more power to the factor that the "love interest" is the one holder her back, for that stanza seems a little "throwaway", if you ask me.....the kind of factor that you could cut out entirely, for it's not particularly important (this "you" preventer is only mentioned twice and only towards the end. And despite its nod to the title by having a shallow presence in the poem, I'm not sure it's the type of detail that would need a shallow presence. Play with it a little before you decide, see what happens, but really the main issue is the musicality in the first part of the poem. Otherwise it's very well-writ! Well done!

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on October 2, 2017
Last Updated on October 2, 2017
Tags: depression, suicide awareness, mental health, self doubt, worthlessness, hopeless, feelings, emotions

Author

Phoebe Taylor
Phoebe Taylor

Gisborne , New Zealand



About
My name is Phoebe and I'm a 17 year old aspiring young writer from New Zealand. I have a passion for poetry and creative writing. I also love writing from my own viewpoints to get across powerful mess.. more..

Writing