sickness...

this is the poem soon-to-be published in Erin L Georges anthology book!

sickness...

 

 

I sit here,

waiting.

The time passes,

like the sun and moon do.

You walk into the room,

only to slap me again.

"My throat", i begin to say,

"It hurts. It's fire.",

I look up only to see him slap water into my face.

He laughs and walks.

Slamming the door,

back into my darkness.

I cringe at the thought of him coming back.

My sickness is my throat,

oh....now my stomach,

Now everything.

I try to get out,

but he has  me locked.

I try to cry,

but have no more tears left.

I used them all on him.

He never cared,

He only cared to beat me,

At his own sick game.

He walks in the room,

and once again my stomach turns and twist,

and the migrane in the top of my head,

does the same.

I begin to think,

as the blood drips down my nose,

"The sickness was never in me,

It was always you."

Author's Note

hope you enjoy it!!!! and remember i dont care if you did or didnt just tell me the truth!!!!!!!!! And noo, this isn't a true story i wrote it for an abuse contest, and i was stuck at home with strep.

Reviews

[Stammers]

The abuse contest was my own, and it has taken me a year to be in the position to judge it, with studying and working part-time I wanted to actually be able to really look at and appreciate the pieces that were entered because I am grateful for every one of them.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this, I think it's fantastic you were brave enough to write in first person, it's not a nice place to go perhaps even more so if you don't have experience to draw from, a lot of people would find this a great strength, your last two lines made the whole piece. A really great message, as it is so intimate and graphic it will really help raise awareness and the justice delivered at the end was powerful. A great idea of using 'sickness' to represent the physical impact and the psychological state of mind of those that abuse, so in terms of understanding this issue this was subtly and brilliantly done.

Great writing, especially with your brief. Be proud of the 156 views because they have done a lot of good :)

[Lorraine]

There's something odd about the slap thing. I honestly feel like it's ridiculous going inside a room only to slap a person without even saying a word. Or maybe it's just me. Anyways, I like the last four lines. It's not a happy ending, but it's happy enough for me. Her eyes opened to the truth, so at least, a little light was shed into her.

Keep Writing. ^___^

[Eva]

it's really powerfuland a great peom

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

Congrats on your great winning poem

[Ice QueenJen]

this is a great poem, not sure what it has to do with the contest pic though....

[Allison]

I like it. Is it a tru story?

[M. Amphet Salt]

As for the theme, I like controversial writes. However, there is a lot of mechanic errors that cause it to lose the effective potential it could have. I am going to make some suggestions to some things I feel that could polish it a bit and elaborate on some grammer issues I see that I can help you with.

The persona/speaker of the piece infers waiting twice. I find the second one unneeded and could be replaced with a better adjective or verb.

You change up your voice in the 4th line. Dropping the preposition "The" would help you maintain the voice/tone you began with: "Time Passes".
"My throat", i begin to say,
"It hurts. It's fire.",
Your commas should be placed inside the parenthesis. The lower case i should remain as creative expression because it shows how lowly the narrator feels about herself in the situation. The comma at the end of fire should go. On the, “It’s Fire,” if you want to go with the possessive of it (its), it feels like a stronger metaphor to show anger.
“My throat,” i began to say,
“It hurts. It’s fire.”

In the lines below you have an extra space between “has” and “me”. As well, description from the narrator of the condition of where she is locked would make it more powerful.

“I try to get out,
but he has me locked.”


Another thing, which is a preference of mine, but doesn’t matter because of the changes in Contemporary Literature, is the use of punctuation throughout, as well as lowercase letters. There are many places a professional, like me, would call it unjustified, unneeded, and I would advise you that until you a firmer concept of grammar, and how it works, stay with the traditional structure of a poem. Aside from dialogue, people will get that a comma is needed at the line break without one needing to be there.

This is a good piece of work that needs a little polishing with some revision. With all prose and narrative my philosophy is that all good work is rewritten 10 times. All great work is never truly finished. There is always room for improvement.

H. D. Sharpe (hduanesharpe.wordpress.com)

[Helena]

This gave me the shudders, as do all writes relating to 'abuse'. happening Well done piece on unfortunately a wide spread problem affecting not only women but men also. Well done.

I can't believe you are only 12 years of age....great insight dear.

[Aggie Skeleton]

If it is true my sympathy runs deeper. Nice one, pulls you in from line one.

[A.Lee]

Interesting. This is very well written all together. It needs a little polishing up though, but you can do that on your own. But overall, this is really good work. It has a very powerful feel to it.