The rainy myth

personally, this seems to be my best work till now inspired by certain thoughts at a certain place...

Among the myths soo many
One about a penny

FRom the rainy sky
Believe me.. Not a lie
From the rainy sky
Among the many drops of rain
One evily laughing.. Said hi
Sliding down the crane..on the ground till going down the drain
Only hi, before death, not even a bye

In the drain
It went through
From a tube, that seemed new
Like it had a brain

Seeping through a joint
At a certain unexpected point

Diving like a spy
Many would suprisingly shout "Oh my"

Along the pipe.. Ravish and old
Super fast.. It was bold

Sliding upon an uneven stack of freezed grease
It went and creased

At a totally unexpected point
In the old Wall
Where many bricks came to a joint
There was hole

Flying through
No attention it drew

Straight down
In the mouth of that innocent prisoner on death's row
Wearing a teared gown
As now.. Shouted all the black crows

His Throat wettened enough
His two days survival.. No longer a bluff

His entire clan
That made a single rescue plan

In a day more
As the lion.. Somewhere made a roar

His life
Along his wife

He had it all back
Revealing his name... Was jack
Everything.. He had packed
Nothing then he lacked

They were all gone
Never knowing..his life was an extended loan!!

Author's Note

Kindly all you readers out there, review with all you have, your honest opinions here will make my future works better, Thanks :)

Reviews

[The Invisible Girl]

I loved the imagery and rhythm. :) Well done! :) Keep it up!

[Muhammad Qasim]

Thank you :D

[The Invisible Girl]

You're welcome!!!! :)

[PurpleQuartz]

I loved it! Great writing!

[Muhammad Qasim]

Thanks :)

[Mark]

one drop of water... who knew? Very nice rhythm to this. I enjoyed reading it.

[Muhammad Qasim]

Thanks and No one can even guess to what extent a man's single good deed can alter his life.

[Abdur Raqeeb]

You seem to have a different perspective of things! Nice.

[Muhammad Qasim]

Thanks :)

[The dark story]

oh well i can see one or two small mistakes there:
"One evily laughing.."... " would suprisingly shout ".typo...
"Along his wife "..missing WITH
"Revealing his name... Was jack "..i think it should better be "it was jack"...because it is not proper if we go by the syntax...and i think you are focusing more on the rhyming scheme here and have lost a trifle control on your diction..

But your idiosyncrasy is really touching and stupendous Qasim ...and the role of that one drop...how you have expressed it here...is really nice.It signifies the mercy and solicitude of God which he had for his creations...it shows that He never leave his innocent creations in murky pain!1! that was fabulous ..i can applaud you for that part!!
"
Diving like a spy
Many would surprisingly shout "Oh my" ....this was the best touching line for me in the entire part!!

I guess you have to work a little on it's organisation so that you can expresses your thoughts more vividly...just revise it again!!1
and there's one thing i want to ask you:does the lion's roar signifies anything??..please tell me!!


Posted 2 Weeks Ago

[Anita Harris]

Very nice, Muhammad!

[Muhammad Qasim]

thanks!

[InsanityWriter]

Very interesting. :) Well done. ^_^

[Muhammad Qasim]

hehe.. thank you :)

[RachelReaper]

wonderful poem! I agree that this poem is great, awesome play on words, I liked it a lot:)

[Muhammad Qasim]

Thank you :)

[Rhianne Ney]

This is well expressed imagery. It's a languid free style~!

[Muhammad Qasim]

thank you :)

[Rhianne Ney]

welcome

[Muhammad Qasim]

:) means a lot

[Rhianne Ney]

:D

[Muhammad Qasim]

yeap ;)