Another Journey

Can't you tell that I love to play with fantasy? :) This one speaks for itself. Enjoy!

 

O

n certain spring mornings in Centauria, the mist clings to the ground, falling like a blanket over the golden fields looking over the deep blue sea. Small animals might peek their heads out over the blanket to get a glimpse of the area. But soon, a breeze arrives and blows away the mist, as if heavenly hands came and removed a large, fluffy comforter off of the ground to wake up the world. Then, the long stretches of golden wheat and green grass are revealed and a path makes its way through the growth up over a large hill. It continues down the other side of the hill and branches off in different directions. A forest lies on the right side of the great fields and a vista of the Great Ocean on the left. And many great pine trees spot the land in between the path and the forest. Upon these trees perch many hawks and owls. One hawk in particular sat down on a branch after the mist was removed one morning. He was hunting for mice and rodents in the sea of wheat below him. His head was white and spotted with black and his body was a dazzling sepia with white freckles. His beak was golden in the sunlight and his talons flashed like steel blades. The hawk looked out on the ocean as he saw the sun rising.

 

Against the deep blue sky rose the sun, waking to give the world its morning glory. It rose and spread its wings of light across the world. The dramatic image of red upon purple caught the mighty bird’s attention.  It then looked over at the hill and saw a group of travelers crossing it onto the other side. It screeched a loud screech that resembled the sound of fingernails scratching across a chalkboard. Then, it flew off, flapping its large wings with such force that the grass below him bent to the power of the moving air. One of the travelers, who was wearing a large, brown shirt with tattered brown pants and bore a large cape, turned around to see what was the matter with the bird.

“Hallo!” he called to the bird. His voice was like that of many divine voices singing a most beautiful song. “Come here, Gryn.”

 

The bird turned its course to the traveler and landed on his arm.

“Where were you?” he asked. “You shouldn’t be flying off like that!” Then, he ran up to meet with the group. In this group were five people: Gryn’s master; a fair lady who wore a silken dress of green with many silver images of leaves and branches arranged in a pattern stemming from a gold stripe going down the middle of her dress; a tall, bearded man with white hair and a heavy, brown cloak and a large walking stick that resembled a knotted tree; a fellow who was dressed in silver armor and wore an open faced helm with a nose guard and a golden dragon on his forehead; and a small, stout, man with a large, bushy, beard that trailed off of his chin, down his chest and was so long that he had to tuck it through his belt, and who wore a blue, silken shirt with puffy shoulders and black tights. The small man was, of course, a dwarf, and the rest of the Company was made up of Elves. They also had two horses, one of which the maiden was riding and the other the soldier was riding. The maiden’s horse also pulled a large carriage full of supplies and food.

 

They moved forward when the white haired man, obviously the leader, raised his hand.

“Stop!” said the white haired man. His voice was also unusually smooth.

The short man grumbled in a voice that sounded like his beard looked: wild, gruff, tangled, and tough.

“What is it now, Henwyr?” asked the stout man.

Henwyr spoke slower and smoother this time. “I smell something that isn’t right.”

They all looked around when, all of a sudden, the one who was obviously Gryn’s master grimaced. He smelled something foul, as if a decomposing animal was buried under the stench of a skunk. The smell reeked and everyone covered their nose. The air was made foul by some evil plot. Then the maiden spoke up. Her voice topped the other two men’s voices as far as smoothness and beauty. Her voice was as soft as a bed of clouds, yet as solid and resolute as a stone fortress.

“I fear that we are being ambushed by Urus,” said the maiden.

“Well, that is one fact that we cannot afford to find out,” replied Gryn’s master.

The leader turned and faced the soldier. “Lesmine,” called the old man. “Go and scout ahead to see if there is any danger.”

“Yes, my lord,” said Lesmine.

Lesmine rode off, his white mare running across the ground as if it were running upon clouds and its hooves were as light as a breeze. Its hoofs were making a tlot-tlot, tlot-tlot sound as they glided over the beaten path. Lesmine’s voice carried over to the group as he shouted a fierce war-cry. His voice suddenly lost its heavenly touch and garnered a hair of wildness and a sense of being carefree that none of them had ever heard from the respectable soldier.

 

Henwyr turned to the fair maiden. Her golden hair streamed all the way to her waist and she revealed a hidden bow and quiver that she slung on her back.

“Jill,” said Henwyr. “Ride with Kedren and Gryn. They will protect you. You need to get back to Der-Solverang as soon as possible.”

“No father,” exclaimed Jill.

“Please,” Henwyr pleaded. “As a father, I ask you please to go home, so I do not have to endure seeing you get hurt. Go to the tower and tell everyone that Lesmine and I did not make it. That we have perished. Either we will die fighting Urus or we will get lost in the wilderness and become forsaken.”

 

Suddenly, a horn blast came, loud and clear. It sounded as if a million brass horns blew at once a mighty note and all the earth shook from it. It was powerful and signaled a warning of the wrath of the Urus.

“Go,” said Henwyr.

Jill reigned in her horse and turned around. Kedren then leaped onto the horse.

“Hyah! Hyah!” cried Kedren and the horse bounded forward, pulling the cart of supplies onward. But it was too great a load for the poor horse and Kedren drew a sword and smote the rope that bound the horse to the cart. It snapped with a smart TWANG! and the horse exploded into a fast trot that took them across the fields towards the great ocean. Suddenly, as Jill averted her attention from her father shrinking in the east to the ocean ahead, she felt a gust of wind that carried with it a breath of sea air. She smelled the salt in the air and the moisture of the water. She smelled a smell of fish and seaweed and sand. She was suddenly happy and she felt at home with Kedren, who was her brother. They rode down a sudden slope and met up with a river that flowed through the valley and ran into a large lake that was surrounded by many sloping hills. It gushed from a thick forest on the other end. The horse bounded down the hill until Jill reined it in at the riverside.

 

“Whoa! Easy there!” she called.

It stopped and snorted deeply. The river water was shallower up ahead and, as they neared it, they heard it making a soothing sound as the water glided over the smooth stones. The horse tread carefully over the stones, careful not to slip. On the other end, they rode towards the forest. Soon, they saw a gate that opened up onto a pathway that cut through the forest. They saw a man, wearing a golden helm that shone like the sun, stood holding a spear and a shield with a large, silver dragon on it.

“Halt!” cried the soldier with a voice that sounded like many men banging on tin cans with bones. “What brings you to the forest of Danel Wulbar?”

 

Jill stopped the horse and spoke with a clear voice, as if to sooth the soldier. “It is none of your business.”

“It is none of my business, right. Now, who are you?” asked the man with the shining helm.

“You do not need to know,” mused Jill.

“No, I guess I don’t. Move along,” said the soldier.

“Thank you,” said Jill.

As they rode by, Kedren tilted his head with acknowledgement. “Good day,” he said and the soldier saluted him.

 

They rode slowly through the woods. It was nearing noon, so the sun shone clearly through the canopy of the forest. The trunks looked like millions of different pillars supporting a roof of jade. They were interestingly placed and acted like a maze. The air was stuffy and thick and the air was hot and sticky.

 

It is into this forest that Jill and Kedren walked into. Little did they know that it would take them on the adventure of a lifetime.

 

THE END

Reviews

[Miss Evans]

In total honesty, I liked it. I didn't love it, but I liked it.

I'll say this first, since it's not really a "review" aspect- The way you worded things reminded me of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And I read it in the voice of the narrator from the movie (or what I recall being the narrator of the movie), which made reading it a bit more comedic than not.


Onwards to the review!


~

I'll work from the top down.

"On certain spring mornings in Centauria..." I personally don't like that, it was okay in this scenario, but it through of the rest of that introduction to the scenery.

You began describing what it looks like "on certain Spring mornings", but then began stating what was actually there, the constants, without any transition.

It bugged me, because I suddenly wondered "Wait, so there's not a forest, or what?"

It would keep it in the scope of the "on certain mornings" if you transitioned to this particular morning, sooner.

The rest of the wording in that part were awesome, and they were elegantly put together. Old-folks type of way.

~

Your quote formatting is really crowded.

One example,

“I fear that we are being ambushed by Urus,” said the maiden.
“Well, that is one fact that we cannot afford to find out,” replied Gryn’s master.
The leader turned and faced the soldier. “Lesmine,” called the old man. “Go and scout ahead to see if there is any danger.”
“Yes, my lord,” said Lesmine.



Really needs double spaces, where there is a clear space of white between each line. I read those as kinds of run-ons, where it gets confused as to who said what to whom.

And that might just be a format-irk in WC. So I shan't harp on it.

~

The names were great~ Sounded Gaelic or something similar, to me. The only one that didn't, was Jill. You have Kedren, Gryn, Henyr, and Jill. Which one doesn't fit?

Unless she's supposed to be the sore thumb.

Me: "Ooh, this is so Lord of The Rin- Jill? ... What?"

And since it seems she has the ability to sway peoples minds, I don't think she would eb such a sore thumb, fitting in with the whole Old-folk theme. (And sorry if that's not the correct term, that just means [to me] fantasy-worlds where everything is sticks-and-stones-and-magic.)

~

In paragraph two, line 5 you wrote...

"...of travelers crossing it onto the other side."

Onto and everything after it make that sentence redundant. It is inferred by saying that they crossed the river, that they went onto the other side.

In paragraph 3, line 4 you wrote...

"Gryn’s master; a fair lady..."

Lady would be considered a "biased" word. Generally it is used when saying something unpleasant about a woman. I think saying "maiden" or "damsel" would serve the same effect, without any chance of someone getting in a tizzy over it. (AN: It didn't bother me, but I did notice it.)

In paragraph 6, line 8, you wrote...

"Kedren and the horse bounded forward, pulling the cart of supplies onward."

Another redundant phrase. If they are going forward, the cart has to be moving onward. It's already inferred. Instead of saying that, you could say "Kedren and the horse bounded forward, the cart of supplies trailing behind them."

Same basic meaning, but it doesn't have that sense of redundancy because you're using the opposite word (behind vs. onward).


In paragraph 4 (from the bottom up), line 6 (from the bottom up), you wrote...

"They saw a gate that opened up onto a pathway that cut through the forest."

THis one is not redundant, but I think it's the wrong word. The gate would open into a pathway in the forest. Not onto.

I may be wrong on that one.

~

I'm sure you'll hate me for suggesting this, but please- Get a thesaurus!

I mean that in the nicest way possible, Rufus.

You used certain words, like clear for instance, that could have been dressed up a bit more.

Ie. "Jill stopped the horse and spoke with a clear voice, as if to sooth the soldier. “It is none of your business.”" (AN: You forgot the 'e' on the end of soothe.)

That statement could be changed to...

"Jill stopped the horse and spoke with a sense of halcyon in her voice, as if to soothe the soldier."

Halcyon:
"calm; peaceful; tranquil ~ [hal-see-uhn]" - Dictionary.com

I have Thesaurus.com and Dictionary.com pinned to my browser. Very helpful.

Almost every word has an elegant counterpart, really it's just the old-english that we Modern kids find so romantic (as in Romanticism, not Twilight-Romance.)

On that note though, not every word should be elegant. Unless you want readers to have to go look everything up. Just aim for about 3 words in every 2-or-so paragraphs. It'll keep it simple enough to understand, but elegant enough to hold the Old-folk feel.

~

And now for my actual review of the content!


I would read this if it were published. I wouldn't really love it, as I said before, but I would probably stick to the end.

I understand it's the beginning, so the slowness is fine, but [personally] I prefer more insight.

Every words you write should tell me something. It should tell me something about the characters, or the time, or the setting, or the mood.

Every time a character speaks, it should clarify something that's going on, say something about what the character is thinking, or give insight onto the character's personality.

You did that pretty well, but you could definitely do with more.

*85*

^_^ Not bad, kiddo.

[E. Ryan Miller]

Well, to begin with, this kind of reminds me a bit of Lord of the Rings - the setting and the characters. I like the way that you are narrating, too. It just has a pleasant ring to it - your syntax, I think is what does this. I also really like your characterization of Henwyr.
Critiques? I would work on making your imagery more natural. I notice because I struggle with that all. the. time. I've learned that generally metaphors (where you say something IS something) are stronger than similes (where you say something is LIKE something). Just a thought. ;)