The way it did before

a poem about pain

Sometimes it hurts so much

It's the way the waves devour you, staring at the line that meets the shore

Feet on sand, water pouring over them

Sometimes the pain is just too much

And I bleed a red river

It has waves too, and it devours my enemies

They stop and pause when they see my scars. The earth vibrates, humming, a little too loud.

The world grows louder and louder and I try to shut it off,

Close my eyes, dream of what it could have been

Nostalgia creeping in with ever-pure evergreens

Singing songs waking up the sleepers.

Here we are at the abyss,

Sitting with our feet dangling off the cliff

I want to jump off and fly

But I sit there, terrified of myself,

the lurking nightmares and forgotten hopes

I sit there gazing at the ground beyond the rumbling cliff

I climb a small volcano and smile as I stand where the fire is,

Watching over two girls lost in the wild

These are my dreams.

But sometimes it hurts so much

Sometimes I take a razor blade - it's better than any drug -

And I dig it into my scarred arms and legs.

I breathe in and out and then I slice. I yank the blade and dare myself to watch my own blood boil.

And there are better days, when it doesn't hurt at all

I get out of bed and go to gymnastics.

I don't listen to anything but the song of the phoenixes.

I smile as a cat hugs me and climbs up my head and jumps off

It doesn't hurt these days, to get out of bed

It's those dreams of flying,

lucid dreams of college, I find myself locked in a thorny cage

The cage society is, and then it hurts again

The world doesn't want to let me be me

And it is so loud

And then the pain goes away again, and I watch God watching me

Remember: you can find happiness in the mist, in the kiwi rain and island beaches.

You can find it. It hurts, and then it doesn't.

The water has become a friend when I respect it

A sea monster that devours some.

But there are those of us who don't sleep - we are immortals hiding

And God's Promise calms me down

Demons yell

but nothing hurts, not the way it did before.

Before, I was alone

Before, I was terrified and starving and I hated my body

Now, I love myself

Now, I welcome the pain with open arms

No one hears, but I know I can learn from it

And at the beach I know,

the ganja in my lungs and the rocks I climb

I know

It's okay to not be okay

And I am nostalgic for the pain, the way I used to see cuts on my arms, cuts replaced by silver scars,

But it doesn't hurt the way it did before.

Reviews

[Ranger Kessel]

Again I can relate. This is a great write. It is a great way to let it go. I am glad I read this.