A Poem by recantichize

in progress.. any feedback would be tremendously useful

she has an impervious smile
to match her whiplash sadness 
which gets better each day,
in that she's learned how 
to dress it up, wrap it with diamond wit
that could cut the heart out of your throat.
her slingshot tongue hurls words, 
cold and penetrating as a blow to the head
 with a freight train.

© 2012 recantichize

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I actually disagree with tcpaessler - no offence intended - but I think the final line is the one that jars the most with my reading. Throughout the rest there is all this wonderful imagery, 'slingshot tongue' or 'whiplash sadness' but then the end comes with a ponderous and clunky finality. I see what was intended but there has to be a better way to write it - though naturally such a way eludes me of course, sorry.

Can't wait to see the final product,

Posted 6 Years Ago

2 of 2 people found this review constructive.


Ouch, this one is as subtle & clean as a paper cut & it really hurts...Smashing write..N

Posted 1 Year Ago

This is absolutely fabulous. I love the impact of the juxtaposing final simile. The brutality of it finely contrasts the much more elegant metaphors preceding it.

Posted 5 Years Ago

This could be an Ode to a former Mrs. Betty Draper.

Mad Men ref, thats what came to mind.

Posted 6 Years Ago

'diamond wit'; a beautiful and really original depiction. Well written.

Posted 6 Years Ago

Creative metaphors and a jarring description that would fit nicely as a passage from a novel. Sounds like someone I don't want to meet. Nice!

Posted 6 Years Ago

Love it, her sling shot tongue hurls wordss, so powerful. nicely writtern.

Posted 6 Years Ago

Yes! So Strong So active! The imagery here ups the tempo and the crescendo! An Tu 'che my Allan E friend but you have not slain your reader till they realize they have been cut off. You don't see it coming! it's not some meandering tale that trickles into a stream. It is the Deliverance! the Fall that kills you! The happy home that rots in moments when wandering eyes fixate on the beauty of this Diamond in the rough!
Although.. for effect, and emphasis I would the word "that" in place of a period or comma to ad a deafening tone to the piece.

Posted 6 Years Ago

i'm confused as to how this has been interpreted as being in reference to a strong woman. I see a woman learning to live with sadness by hiding behind walls, performing a cold ritual everyday, moving to words before others to avoid hurt. enjoyed very much.

Posted 6 Years Ago

This is poor feedback, a so so review
but I am not in the best mood to
caress and please the writer.
I chose you because I think you have
wondrous potential and I am trying to
jus give you a taste to synchronize.
You will get much more in a short
while, and I will make every effort
to ---- smile .
---- John

Posted 6 Years Ago

"her slingshot tongue hurls words,
cold and penetrating as a blow to the head
with a freight train."
This is real poetry. I like your use of words and the powerful statements in this poem. This must be a interest young woman. A outstanding poem.

Posted 6 Years Ago

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25 Reviews
Added on April 11, 2012
Last Updated on June 22, 2012



denton, TX

perpetual wa(o)nderer more..

So I am So I am

A Poem by recantichize

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