Under the big top | WritersCafe.org | The Online Writing Community
Under the big top

Under the big top

A Poem by revalatia
"

tickets anyone?

"

Come one, come all the funs begun!

Now join us for a show..


...Inside you'll find a state of mind

unlike the one you know.


Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls!

Step right up and see!


All the wonders and the horrors

of this troubled mind called 'me'.


Lets dim the lights for fright's delights

and queue the hobo clown


Her tattered gown and forlorn frown

reminds us when my circus is in town!


© 2017 revalatia



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Reviews

Lose the comma at the end of the fourth stanza (between 'called' and 'me'.)

This was awesome to read, one of the better things here. The ending is perfect.

Posted 9 Months Ago


revalatia

9 Months Ago

Nice, thank you for the tip..done and done.
Glad you liked it. :)
Funny and dark , clever and honest. Your poem can resonate with so many minds. If they read it.

Posted 11 Months Ago


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Gee
Like this lots. Rhyming my favourite and this does it so well with good content

Posted 1 Year Ago


Another great gem!! So much fun to read. The last line, though, is a bit of a mouthful for the musicality to flow smoothly (if I may be so bold as to say). It could be shortened to "My circus is in town" (to comply with the rhythm of the poem up until there), and the first line of that stanza is shortened to include something like "announce" (any reason for "reminds"? The poem seems to be an announcement for a circus, so why "reminds" and not "announce" or some similar verb"?....just a thought). Or...."circus" is attempted to be shortened (and "reminds" is still changed for I still don't understand why it's there).

Other than that, I absolutely loved this piece. Made me feel like buying a ticket upfront (hahaha).

Posted 1 Year Ago


Very nice use of words. You create place and people. I liked the energy of the words. Made the reader feel the vision and the words. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 1 Year Ago



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256 Views
5 Reviews
Rating
Added on April 26, 2017
Last Updated on November 4, 2017

Author

revalatia
revalatia

Azusa, CA



About
Thoughts in motion..words spiraling inside me.. more to come.................................later....In the meantime.. My own moment of clarity.. was realizing repeating the same mistakes over and ov.. more..

Writing
Beeware.. Beeware..

A Poem by revalatia



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