Preface- The First Noble

Preface- The First Noble

A Chapter by revenant21
"

this is when we meet the first Noble vampire- a rouge Vampire. He follows the orders of no one. His name is Viktor Mcnair.

"

 His pale hand knocked at the door of a small cabin just outside Evony Village, a small town near New Jersey. A little redheaded girl answered the door. She smiled a smile that was missing front teeth. Viktor smiled back, flashing his fangs. The mother noticed. She got up and told her daught to stay away from him, he's dangerous.

 "Nonsense, child. I'm your friend. Now, you just invite me inside your beautiful home." He grinned at the child.

 "Please, sir, won't you come in?" The girl spoke, her eyes glazing over as she did so.

 "Such good manners, Jessica." Viktor stepped inside the home. The mother stared at him, "How do you know her name?!" Viktor did nothing but step forward, and shut the door. She demanded how he knew her childs name again and again. Footsteps sounded heavily down the stairs. The father stood at the foot of the stairs with a shotgun in his hands. Viktor looked at the gun with lazy eyes. "Now lets not do anything we might....regret."

 He stepped closer to the man. Another step. The man cocked his shotgun and pointed it straight at Viktor. Viktor took one more step. The shotgun went off with a lound bang!. Viktor was no where to be seen. Suddenly, the man felt cold fingers wrap around his throat. Viktor's melodic, enchanting voice spoke from behind the mans, "Now, what did I say?" And he sunk his teeth into the mans neck. 



© 2009 revenant21


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Featured Review

An interesting begining...instead of calling it chapter one, perhaps prelude would suit it better. It caught my attention and I am passionate about vampire's so I hope you continue so i may read more. Seriously if you have more send me read requests!
ARe you sticking to the traditional vampire, or going for a new or updated version?
I am asking because i also write about vampires and it is intriguing to imagine something different than what we grew up reading about.
Good job! Keep it up!


Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

The plot is good, it carries the usual suspense/horror feeling of a typical vampire story. I like the dialogues of Viktor Mcnair because they seem sort of formal, and ominous, whatever that means. However, I noticed some technical errors, and I think it's too fast-paced. While I love short stories, I would love it if you make this longer and more detailed. Oh, and make the words a bit bigger too, to make it easier to read. But of course, those are just suggestions.

By the way, I'm pointing out a few things, just in case you'd like to edit.

"She smiled a smile..." --it's a bit redundant so if you want you can change the word 'smiled' to 'flashed'.

"...told her daught..." --daughter

"...he knew her childs name.." --child's

"Now lets not..." --let's

"...shotgun went off with a lound.." --loud

Oh well. Guess that's all I'm pointing out. Hope I didn't offend you. Oh, and have I mentioned I love the ending? Nope, ok, now I'm saying. It's definitely a good ending. Good Job.

Keep Writing. ^___^

Posted 14 Years Ago


This better not be one of those stories you write and don't put on here. I will be seven shades of angry. Get off your a*s (or on it technically to sit in front of the computer but you get the expression) and type the rest of this!!!!!! I'm waiting! The people that commented before were right it is considerably short for a chapter but it works.

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Apart from the SPaG, it is a good read...I liked it.

Kudos

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Not to be annoying but the font is a bit too small......had to strain to read it, but it was good, nice job

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Baby this is sooo good! I hadn't realized that you posted anything new. I love it. And I love you

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Wow. That was good. I would call it a prelude maybe instead of chapter 1. but it is really good I def want to read more! I love vampires and this is no exception! Send me read requests as you add chapters. I like it so far.

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

An interesting begining...instead of calling it chapter one, perhaps prelude would suit it better. It caught my attention and I am passionate about vampire's so I hope you continue so i may read more. Seriously if you have more send me read requests!
ARe you sticking to the traditional vampire, or going for a new or updated version?
I am asking because i also write about vampires and it is intriguing to imagine something different than what we grew up reading about.
Good job! Keep it up!


Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.


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Added on July 6, 2009
Last Updated on August 14, 2009


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revenant21
revenant21

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