Prologue

a school-like prison where they are forced to work for their freedom

Sweat dripped down both the girls faces as they labored in the freezing gray stone room. Both of them held a worn scrubbing brush with frayed bristles, and used it to clean the dungeon-like room on their bleeding knees, occasionally dipping the brush into the rancid squash colored water contained inside a splintered wooden bucket with a rusty metal trim that had once looked fairly decent. "This is going to be my first Christmas here," grumbled the smaller girl with the muddy brown colored hair that fell matted down her back. “I heard they don't even give out presents," Lonnie whispered under her breath as she got up on her knees to stretch out her back.she then immediately let out a high pitched moan as her back sent up aggrieving pulses of pain.so not being able to stand the pain anymore Lonnie fell back to her knees and commenced to scrubbing the flagstones once more ,but this time she was scrubbing so slowly and faintly she wasn't even dusting it let alone peeling the abundant layers of dirt, grime, spit, and the dried red-brown smears of blood. The older girl, Emma, knew that if Lonnie didn't stop moping about and get to work a new team of girls would be cleaning up this room and they would be assigned an even more heinous task. she hated being mean but sometimes her chances of freedom depended on it ,and that was too valuable to risk for the sake of a petty ignorant girl she'll learn she thought to herself they all do eventually either that or die so I suppose I’m doing her a favor. “shut up and do your job this isn't a pity party it’s a reform school," Emma barked out in a seemingly unnecessary harsh voice. "Who are you to talk to me that way," Lonnie replied her words accentuated with fury, but also fear because if Emma was higher up on the scales than her then she would be as defenseless as a lump of clay in Prometheus's hand; totally and completely at her mercy. Emma's lips stretched into a thin white taut line and her eyebrows furrowed expressing her rage at the younger girl’s ability to communicate this thought. She quickly dropped the brush to free her hand closest to Lonnie and turned over her wrist revealing the grotesque slash rubbed with a black dye it was scabby and black, tinged with red. She waited a few seconds to calculate the other girl’s reaction which was a paling of the face as the blood drained from her head caused by immediate horror and shock. Then Emma reached over and slapped the right side of her face with the force of a pit bull and Lonnie's face took on a shape of a red and blotchy handprint. "Forgive me," Lonnie pleaded in a desperate squeaky voice. Emma replied with a short terse bob of the head. Lonnie vigorously began washing the stone again knowing Emma might still have some fire in that ire and she definitely didn’t want to face her wrath. The older girl looked with disgust at her work when several layers of vile concoctions were clumped off to the side.After all that she felt like crying, bawling, and never stopping.  Because how would she ever get out of here if she was spending all her time down here being cruel to people just like her. At that moment Emma lost it and let one tear slip down; just one ,but that was enough to prove she was weak; and that was definitely enough for the supervisors. At that moment they had already decreed her fate scratching it on a thick sheet of white unblemished paper.

 

Author's Note

please tell me what you think of this and if i should make a story out of it. Oh, and try to ignore the grammar mistakes

Reviews

[Sarah W. French]

This is great!!! I felt like i was right there with those two girls.

[♥ Kinnixk]

I love the imagery :) On to the next one! L:

[CrimsonBlaze]

Crap wherever they are is plain cruel D:!! Rebellion call please >w

[Facade21]

nice. the imagery is amazing i can't wait to read the next chapter. just one click away :p

[Lynx]

“I heard they don't even give out presents," Lonnie whispered under her breath as she got up on her knees to stretch out her back; and then immediately let out a high pitched moan as her back sent up aggrieving pulses of pain; so not being able to stand the pain anymore Lonnie fell back to her knees and commenced to scrubbing the flagstones once more but this time she was scrubbing so slowly and faintly she wasn't even dusting it let alone peeling the abundant layers of dirt, grime, spit, and the dried red-brown smears of blood.

Firstly, that should not be one sentence. That should be at least 3-4. That's a paragraph, another thing you don't have.

Your whole story is riddled with too many unnecessary details, and I barely let myself finish reading all this I almost couldn't see the point.

However, the concept and plot seem great. I also like the last few paragraphs. It just... needs work is all.

[Blue Chantilly]

you should make a story out of this! I really like it!

[Leave me alone....]

this is really good!!! i enjoyed it greatly! i hope that you plan on possibly making this into a book in the future!