While Looking Back

Over the years and recently, I've needed help. Getting it, and then coming home, can stir up a myriad of feelings. My synopsis here ->

I was destined to fall after losing it all

But excuses are empty and can’t scale the wall;

So I traipse through the stark and starless night,

Hearing makes up for my lost second sight,

The blanket of emptiness covering it all.

 

My trips filled with envy…each hospital bed

Provides rigid comfort; the thoughts in my head

Are vast and complete but not quite connected…

But the candy they give me will leave me protected;

Why are the results so conflicted instead?

 

Self is a notion, identity wavers

Such contradiction does me no big favors.

I avoid any twists in my return or reason;

Why is recovery never in season?

My candy cane mind must have millions of flavors.

 

The shocks and their jolt wear a clever disguise,

A machine spewing smoke that can scramble my eyes.

Now I must pack my bags for the trek to my home;

Though happily married I feel so alone.

Such a quandary itself is a faint compromise.

 

dan © 2016

 

Music: “These Are the Days of Our Lives,” by Queen

Author's Note

Reviews

[Amber Lily]

dan, throughout everything you have been through, it lead you here. To creating such work like this with words that make your readers tremble. Within each poem I get but only a taste of your candy cane mind, and it's fantastic. The way you put words together and make your reader feel something. I will never forget it :)

[dan]

Thank you Amber, this is quite flattering. I like to make readers think a little bit and I seem to have had that effect with your read. I really appreciate it! take care...dan

[Amber Lily]

As always, you're most welcome :)

[Gaia Octavia]

This is such a deeply personal and vulnerable piece and it truly does take a brave soul to share the very core of their being with strangers. I found it immensely beautiful and honest in its fragility. As a fellow human being who struggles with mental health, I hear you. And you are not alone.

Amazingly poignant and crafted by an artist. I wish I could convey the importance of letting others know, through pieces such as this, that they are not alone in their struggles. Well done. Well done.

[dan]

Gaia, It's always nice to get a review that says, "Hey, I know...I've been there." It seems that as I get older and closer to death I write more often about my MH turmoil. And I really don't want any readers feeling sorry for me, we all have our crosses to bear.
I'm very flattered by your complimentary resonance. take care...dan

[Taylor]

Thank you for sharing this, Dan. As usual, your gift with language creates a steady flow of cascading words. You also have managed to convey the difficulty of dealing with altered mind-states, produced by chemical imbalances in the brain -- and the ultimate sense of aloneness such separate experience creates. May you be blessed as you continue your journey and may you increase in health and the ability to manage your own uniqueness.

[dan]

Taylor, You seem to have grasped the tension of purpose, the recollection of recollections that paint the picture of psych ward confinement. This write was a piecing amalgam of so many points in time, each so different yet so alike. Thank you so much for your perception and insight into these disparate puzzle pieces. take care...dan

[I Am Svetlana]

Recovery happens for those who truly "want" it. Some will make it, others go back to their old, desired ways. No one can force you to get better if you aren't prepared for it. And I understand the feeling of being alone in a relationship, it's something I've been struggling with these past couple months. I have good days & bad, but it's just the fact of taking each day as it comes and not expecting too much. I've never been hospitalized, but I can feel and imagine the fear one must go through in dealing with such an event.

[dan]

My 'recovery' will never happen, simply because bipolar/anxiety disorders are only treatable, not curable. The things toward which I look back are stays in psych wards over the past 35 years. My pains are in the mind, sometimes very hard to handle, sometimes causing suicidal attempts. I write about my disorders as a sort of self-healing proposition.
Thank you for your very intuitive review, I sincerely appreciate it. take care...dan

[EileenMarie]

Wow.. Smack.. Been there. The array of emotions this poem brings up is mixed. Before my spiral & subsequent divorce my friends called me the single married mom.
I can not write of my experience the way you have here. Raw & really powerful. Great write! And I do feel your pain ...

[dan]

EM, This piece is a rough summary of the many times (40+) I've been hospitalized for my mental health issues (bipolar and anxiety disorders). I too have been through a divorce but just as I was ready to give up on love I met the woman of my dreams, and we've been married 22 years now. If you are still looking the right guy is out there looking for you. Thank you for the great read/review. take care...dan

[Coyote Poetry]

Good song and honest thought my friend.
"Though happily married I feel so alone.
Such a quandary itself is a faint compromise."
I believe all of us wish for the old days and still appreciate the present. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[dan]

John, It's been 33 years since I was diagnosed w/bipolar and anxiety disorders; in that time I've been hospitalized at least 40 times. This piece is thinking back on all of those times and summarizing the feelings. Thank you so much for the read/review and kind words. take care...dan

[Coyote Poetry]

Your words always strong and leave the reader with something to think about. You are welcome Dan.

[Nisreen]

Something about being unwell
leaves one feeling like they are the loneliest soul alive
But recovery happens
the phase of being in the hospital puts one's mind a pure suspended form
Where you question the idea of life

Happy for your return home
May you enjoy limitless good health and love of family

[dan]

Nisreen, Thank you for your warm and generous review. Being hospitalized over 40 times since I was diagnosed 33 years ago is tough to understand if one has never been through it, but just knowing someone cares is a huge morale boost. Thank you so much. take care...dan

[Nisreen]

Surely i could never understand
but my heart is present with you as a friend ..... wish all the best

[dan]

Thank you so much...dan

[Rose Jaeger Kaneki]

this is beautiful, love this. keep up the beautiful work

[dan]

Since being diagnosed bipolar/anxiety disorder with OCD features 33 years ago I've been hospitalized at least 40 times. This is kind of a synopsis of all those voluntary and involuntary commitments. Thanks for you review. take care...dan

[Rose Jaeger Kaneki]

wow, welcome, you take care too

[DIVYA]

Very well written. Much appreciated.

[dan]

Thank you, Divya for the visit, the read/review. I appreciate you taking the time. take care...dan

[DIVYA]

You are welcome. It was a pleasure to read you.

[DIVYA]

You are welcome. It was a pleasure to read you.

[Insight "MH"]

I think that the feeling of helplessness is what makes me go crazy after being strong I see myself as a child who needs care. Years back when I was in my teens I got really sick, I had "hepatitis" not the infects others I don't remember its name :) I couldn't eat with my family they were afraid that my heart will be broken seeing them all eating the dishes that I love and used to eat and may eat when they are not looking, so I felt neglected and helpless, but thanks to GOD ALL MIGHTY I was cured.
I hope to you all the best.

[dan]

I've been hospitalized roughly 40 times in the last 33 years since diagnosed bipolar/anxiety disorder. This is a generalization of all of those times, kind of a synopsis. I'm sorry about your struggles with hepatitis, that must have been emotionally devastating, I'm hoping all is fine now? take care...dan