Tick toilet tick box

Written when many public conveniences were full of ridiculous orders that were to be obeyed and Ticked before the toilet was used

The Toilet Tick Box.

It would seem we need a check list now to cover all we do,
Try and visualize the hassle this could cause,
Let’s create a fool proof check-list for a visit to the Loo
On those occasions when you can’t afford a pause.

We have all had that experience where you start to lose control,
When that little turtle’s head is touching cloth.
We are talking Whoopsie panic now, not going for a stroll,
You’re not going to have the time to tick things off.

So you reach the bathroom door, collect your questionnaire,
Are you male or female? Tick the box.
This is going to take a while so try not to despair,
It may be wise to tuck your trousers in your socks!

Be sure to check the seat is down, is there paper close to hand?
Are there signs of strange deposits on the rim?
Tick to state choice of position, will you crouch or will you stand?
Be aware, communal toilets, can be grim.

Now you have to drop your trousers, sometimes this can cause concern
There are many ways to keep your pants in place,
But the quickest way of dropping them is something you must learn,
Are they drawstring? Are they belt? Or are they brace?

While these checks are taking place your heart is beating like a drum
And your sphincter is about to lose its pinch,
At least a pound of pongy poo is trying to exit from your bum
And it’s surging in your knickers inch by inch.

Do you continue with the checks that'll be discarded and forgotten?
Or do you drop your pants and sit upon the pan?
Enjoy your little motion, take the paper, wipe your bottom
Then fill your questionnaire in when you can.

This is an example of how things are likely to become,
You may think that I exaggerate, not true.
Let’s not lose the sheer enjoyment that we all get from our bum
By the requirement of a check-list for each Poo.

                                Rod Broomham.(c)

Reviews

[.]

A very witty piece, Rod! If there really was a public order like this, then it is a downright crazy thing to expect people to fill out! The way our democratic societies are further leaning to the left, i suspect many more crazy public orders will soon be on the horizon.

Another well written piece. Brisk, well rhymed and full of humour. Nicely done.

[matelotrod]

Glad you enjoyed it, actually it was written quite a few years ago when I was working, (Merchant Navy) and our toilets etc. were covered in many demands to be obeyed by us.