Vanishing

I thought I heard some screaming,

I thought I heard a cry,

I hope that I am dreaming,

yes I hope that I won't die.

I close the door and lock it, 

I close the windows tight,

place my cross into my pocket

and prepare for a long night.

As I climb into my bed,

I start to say a prayer,

I ask that I wont die tonight,

please get me out of here.

I hear a knocking at the door,

I will not reply,

i think its best to just ignore

and quietly I lie.

Its tired of this knocking,

it comes right through the door.

What I saw was shocking,

just wait, I'll tell you more.

A man who looked just like me

in every single way.

It was quite a shock to see,

he said it's time to pay.

He said that he'd been sent,

sent to take my place,

my luck has all been spent

and I was a disgrace.

I knew I had done wrong before,

didn't care about what's right.

He pinned me down onto the floor

and said I shouldn't fight.

I felt my soul was banished,

forever in darkness I will be.

All I am has vanished

and he's living life as me.

Reviews

[Kaylin R. Boyd]

Awesome! That last verse was perfect. I felt like the rhythm in the last half flowed better than the first half (again that last part was awesome), though I can't put my finger on what made the flow different. I like the details of climbing into bed with the cross and praying. I might just be reading it funny in my head. But you might consider toying with the first half (down to where he walks in the room) and see if that helps the flow a bit. But again, I loved the imagery.

[robing123456]

thanks a lot. i will take a look and see what can be done. thanks for taking the time to give the detail

[char]

I love the sixth and seventh stanzas. Very interesting. It's beautifully haunting. This poem is awesome. Very, very nice. :)

[robing123456]

thanks. next time i will number the stanzas so i dont have to rely on my counting skills. thanks for taking the time to say something nice.

[headoverheart]

It always amazes me when writers can make rhymes into a good flowing story. This is nice. You did not even point out a focus, this can be applicable to many aspects. Two thumbs up. :)

[robing123456]

thanks for that. you are too kind. im new to this, so i dont know the jargon. what do you mean by point out a focus?

[headoverheart]

Oh. Its not really a jargon :) i just mean you did not point out the reason for vanishing. :)

[Ezekiel Silver]

A very interesting poem. I like how unique and different the topic of it is. Nice work!

[robing123456]

Many thanks. both for looking and for saying

[Rogue]

This has good flow from beginning to end and I found the story within it intriguing. (So much so, I almost wish this was an actual longer story on it). A good piece of work!

[robing123456]

thank you. i tried to make it longer than what i have done before. still new to this , so a bit of experimentation going on.

[robing123456]

maybe i will try to cook up a short story. ive never written one before

[Rogue]

I think you have a really good concept in this for one. But, always do and take your creations where you want them to go. If this is the end of the line for this pair.. So be it. Ultimately it is your vision. :)

[robing123456]

thanks for the advice.

[Emily B]

quoth the raven :)

[robing123456]

strange you say that, i have seen black birds everywhere today. anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and comment

[Emily B]

looking forward to reading more of you

[Emily B]

hawks follow me, birds generally have something to say when you find them everywhere you are

[S.R. Madeline]

Interesting concept and a fine finish! I like the structure, simplicity and clarity

[robing123456]

thank you. took a few runs to find a good ending. i am pleased you liked it.