Vanishing

Vanishing

A Poem by robing123456

I thought I heard some screaming,
I thought I heard a cry,
I hope that I am dreaming,
yes I hope that I won't die.

I close the door and lock it, 
I close the windows tight,
place my cross into my pocket
and prepare for a long night.

As I climb into my bed,
I start to say a prayer,
I ask that I wont die tonight,
please get me out of here.

I hear a knocking at the door,
I will not reply,
i think its best to just ignore
and quietly I lie.

Its tired of this knocking,
it comes right through the door.
What I saw was shocking,
just wait, I'll tell you more.

A man who looked just like me
in every single way.
It was quite a shock to see,
he said it's time to pay.

He said that he'd been sent,
sent to take my place,
my luck has all been spent
and I was a disgrace.

I knew I had done wrong before,
didn't care about what's right.
He pinned me down onto the floor
and said I shouldn't fight.

I felt my soul was banished,
forever in darkness I will be.
All I am has vanished
and he's living life as me.


© 2013 robing123456



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Featured Review

Awesome! That last verse was perfect. I felt like the rhythm in the last half flowed better than the first half (again that last part was awesome), though I can't put my finger on what made the flow different. I like the details of climbing into bed with the cross and praying. I might just be reading it funny in my head. But you might consider toying with the first half (down to where he walks in the room) and see if that helps the flow a bit. But again, I loved the imagery.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

robing123456

4 Years Ago

thanks a lot. i will take a look and see what can be done. thanks for taking the time to give the de.. read more



Reviews

I love the sixth and seventh stanzas. Very interesting. It's beautifully haunting. This poem is awesome. Very, very nice. :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

robing123456

4 Years Ago

thanks. next time i will number the stanzas so i dont have to rely on my counting skills. thanks for.. read more
It always amazes me when writers can make rhymes into a good flowing story. This is nice. You did not even point out a focus, this can be applicable to many aspects. Two thumbs up. :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

robing123456

4 Years Ago

thanks for that. you are too kind. im new to this, so i dont know the jargon. what do you mean by po.. read more
headoverheart

4 Years Ago

Oh. Its not really a jargon :) i just mean you did not point out the reason for vanishing. :)
Awesome! That last verse was perfect. I felt like the rhythm in the last half flowed better than the first half (again that last part was awesome), though I can't put my finger on what made the flow different. I like the details of climbing into bed with the cross and praying. I might just be reading it funny in my head. But you might consider toying with the first half (down to where he walks in the room) and see if that helps the flow a bit. But again, I loved the imagery.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

robing123456

4 Years Ago

thanks a lot. i will take a look and see what can be done. thanks for taking the time to give the de.. read more
A very interesting poem. I like how unique and different the topic of it is. Nice work!

Posted 4 Years Ago


robing123456

4 Years Ago

Many thanks. both for looking and for saying
This has good flow from beginning to end and I found the story within it intriguing. (So much so, I almost wish this was an actual longer story on it). A good piece of work!

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

robing123456

4 Years Ago

maybe i will try to cook up a short story. ive never written one before
Rogue

4 Years Ago

I think you have a really good concept in this for one. But, always do and take your creations where.. read more
robing123456

4 Years Ago

thanks for the advice.
quoth the raven :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


robing123456

4 Years Ago

strange you say that, i have seen black birds everywhere today. anyway, thanks for taking the time t.. read more
Emily B

4 Years Ago

looking forward to reading more of you
Emily B

4 Years Ago

hawks follow me, birds generally have something to say when you find them everywhere you are
Interesting concept and a fine finish! I like the structure, simplicity and clarity

Posted 4 Years Ago


robing123456

4 Years Ago

thank you. took a few runs to find a good ending. i am pleased you liked it.

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Added on February 12, 2013
Last Updated on February 12, 2013

Author

robing123456
robing123456

Antarctica



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