As I Fall

Why do I keep chasing you,
Even though I know you'll never be mine;
I'm wading through an ocean blue,
A hopeless survivor of a shipwreck sublime.

We went in full throttle,
Never really cared if we would crash;
Explored each others darkest side, those emotions sealed in bottle,
Making a pile of memories, a burning stash.

We walked in the meadows,
through the lush green grass;
We watched the night sky, the moon up close,
And danced beneath the constellation of stars.

We dove into those clear waters,
And swam among those schools of fish,
We sea walked like tiny trotters,
And lay in the sand, under the night sky,
watching a comet pass by,
making a wish.

Life with all it's grandeur felt complete,
As I held my enchantress,
Little did we know we were slowly drifting apart,
And your fingers were slowly leaving my hand.

Maybe we'll never know why it happened, what happened
And life with it's false sense of completeness,
Will keep on pulling us apart;
Maybe this hole will never be filled,
And we'll lose everything while we're busy chasing the stars.

Choices aren't easy darling, and people rarely stay,
And you are all I have ever wanted in a perfectly perfect way,
But we started writing something called destiny, together as we came along,
I know tasks are often left incomplete but let's complete this, letting our love re spawn,
I know after all this time it might be selfish of me, but it's falling apart in a utterly hopeless way,
So let me ask you one last time before the break of dawn,
Can I stay?

Author's Note

Hello reader. If you are seeing this you have probably read the poem and thanks a lot for reading it. Do share your thoughts and opinion on this one and let's make it an interesting discussion rather than a one sided communication.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Old country saying. If we don't try. We won't know.
"So let me ask you one last time before the break of dawn,
Can I stay?"
In my lifetime. I asked the above words many times. Thank you Roch for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Najam Us Saher]

I loved the imagery here. Tone and the rhythm of this poem is perfectly fine. I truly liked it.

[Roch Ketchum]

Thanks a lot

[Najam Us Saher]

You're welcome ☺

[Rynn]

"Why do I keep chasing you,
Even though I know you'll never be mine;
I'm wading through an ocean blue,
A hopeless survivor of a shipwreck sublime." - a good start, good description, but I encourage you to expand your imagery beyond the known and the cliche. engage our senses, what does the ocean smell like? taste like?

"We went in full throttle,
Never really cared if we would crash;
Explored each others darkest side, those emotions sealed in bottle,
Making a pile of memories, a burning stash." - I applaud that you've worked out your stanza structure very well. You're ideas are whole and well presented, but again, I would challenge you to evaluate the metaphors/similes your going for and find a new and different way of approaching the ideas presented.

"We walked in the meadows,
through the lush green grass;
We watched the night sky, the moon up close,
And danced beneath the constellation of stars." - just a grammar things here, I noticed that you've used a semi-colon and still capitalized the W. You can keep it a lowercase since it would not be a new sentence. There were also some missing commas.

Example: "We walked in the meadows,
through the lush, green grass;
we watched the night sky, the moon up close,
and danced beneath the constellation of stars."

"We dove into those clear waters,
And swam among those schools of fish,
We sea walked like tiny trotters,
And lay in the sand, under the night sky,
watching a comet pass by,
making a wish." - Again, watch for those places you use a comma and still capitalize the next line. I like the alliteration you used here, good word choice. It's my belief that you should engage your readers more in the way of their senses. We have five senses to scope out the world with, we should be using more than sight. If a blind person read your piece, would they understand it? You can describe what an orange looks like or use it as a color indicator, but that means nothing to someone who's never known what Orange looks like. They will, however, know what an orange feels like, or tastes like. All good things to consider.

"Life with all it's grandeur felt complete,
As I held my enchantress,
Little did we know we were slowly drifting apart,
And your fingers were slowly leaving my hand." - I like where you've gone with this, but feel as though this stanza needs another look over for grammar. Some missing commas and structure things.

Example: "Life in all it's grandeur, felt complete.
As I held my enchantress,
little did we know, we were slowly drifting apart;
And your fingers were slowly leaving my hand."

"Maybe we'll never know why it happened, what happened
And life with it's false sense of completeness,
Will keep on pulling us apart;
Maybe this hole will never be filled,
And we'll lose everything while we're busy chasing the stars." - again some grammar/structure things. I think that you have a lot of nice sky imagery going, but still feel like you could do more to encapsulate the reader. Remember that punctuation is there to guide the reader. It determined how people will read your lines. It is important to read your own work out loud to determine how you would like us to interpret the tone. Commas are important, they are the defining pieces of a sentence. Example:

Unpunctuated: A woman without her man is nothing

This could be one of two things -

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

or

"A woman, without her, man is nothing."

My suggestion: Maybe we'll never know why it happened, what happened
And life with it's false sense of completeness,
Will keep on pulling us apart;
Maybe this hole will never be filled,
And we'll lose everything while we're busy chasing the stars.

"Choices aren't easy darling, and people rarely stay,
And you are all I have ever wanted in a perfectly perfect way," - I like the voice you've adopted here, I think you could think of a fresher way to say perfect. A Thesaurus, I think, would be a huge help.

"But we started writing something called destiny, together as we came along," - I think this is my favorite line in the piece - beautifully done.

"I know tasks are often left incomplete but let's complete this, letting our love re spawn," - Again, I think there is a fresher way to portray this same idea. I think 're spawn' should be written as, 're-spawn'.

Overall, I think you have a good thing going here, if you can work out the punctuation, grammar and structure, you will have a polished piece. It is up to you if you want to change your word choice or the way in which you present your ideas, but please keep an open mind to abstract concepts as far as that presentation goes. Thank you for the read, well done. Write on,

-Rynn

[Roch Ketchum]

Thanks a lot for your extremely valuable suggestions and pointing out areas where I need to work on. Since I didn't pay much attention while posting, so I can understand with that punctuation thing. I'll surely keep these things in mind the next time. Thanks for reading.

[ApDunamis]

Wow......you did an amazing poem. This relate able in relationships. Great work!

[Roch Ketchum]

Thank you so much

[ApDunamis]

Your welcome. Thank you for sharing.

[B]

Beautiful
I love your closing question
Despite trouble and strife
He still believes in those two
And she believes in him too
Those forces inseparable
Like two beautiful leaves entwined
Falling to the ground and taking a journey

[Roch Ketchum]

Thanks a lot.

[.........]

Hey, you asked me to take a look at something you've written, and poetry is always my favorite. This is an enchanting love story. The two things that stuck in my mind throughout were the idea of the emotions sealed in the bottle, mostly because I thought about the message in the bottle kind of thing, and then the other is the fingers slowly leaving your hand. We ALL know that feeling if we've been in love. That hurt me to read that line because I knew what was coming next. This is beautifully penned. My only advice to you would be to be careful with your use of semi-colons. I know semi-colons can be confusing and still pretty on the page, but a lot of people struggle to use them correctly. In your first stanza, for example, you used a semi-colon where a question mark would have done a great job pushing your poem through. Your poem reminded me of the song "Konstantine" by Something Corporate to be honest, something about the feelings you gave me as I was reading. I also really like the line that has the word enchantress. I think this is pretty to read but yet it holds a lot of emotion in it too. The ending took me in a different direction than I expected. I thought I would be left with this hanging, yearning feeling, but instead you seem to be asking if you can stay in a situation where you might not have what you once did, but you would do anything to stay, even if it means staying for a love that isn't as epic or intense as it once was. Gut wrenching. I hope we can continue sharing our work together.

[Roch Ketchum]

Thanks a lot. Means a world to me. I'll be careful in the use of semicolons from now on. And of course we can keep sharing our work :D. I'll notify you as and when I write anything else.

Happy writing.

[Alice Maria]

This poem was very emotional and well written. Good job.

[Roch Ketchum]

Thanks Alice

[LapseOfMind]

Nicely done. A tale as old as time, as one Disney song would say. Something I feel most people can relate too. I enjoyed this, good job

[Natalie Wardle]

natural way with words, heartfelt emotion pours though

[Roch Ketchum]

Thanks Natalie

[Roch Ketchum]

If you wish I'll notify you if I write anything new.. I'll love to have your reviews

[Writing.the.Strings]

Your poems have so much meaning to them. It gives the reader that sense of emotion they should feel. The poem is very beautiful. It's quite contradictory because it's beautiful yet sad in its own way. Is this based off of your feelings? The word choice is unique and I admire that

[Roch Ketchum]

Thanks a lot. Yes it is based on my personal experiences.